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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 1.2 Drug Wars

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The balancer: Helen tries to make drug testing truly effective instead of just good for the record books.

The beleaguered: The drug team lands at Nikki’s cell, proving that the tests still aren’t properly targeted, especially not when Shell’s involved.

The besieged:

Zandra is subject to a strip search too – but the searcher is Denny, and there are no rules telling her she can’t touch.

A rainy day – Some new prisoners are arriving at HMP Larkhall. They include a surly blonde named Zandra and a 50-something brunette named Monica. They’re both weary and wet and terrified. But there the similarities end: Zandra is young, tattered and ready to do battle, while Monica is classy, wealthy and obviously in shock.

Zandra and Monica wait to be processed. The guards are surprised that Monica has no “property” on her: The other newcomers have brought some clothes and comforts from home. Monica doesn’t really seem to understand that she’s about to spend five years in prison. She’s breaking my heart with her “Why am I here?” face. Zandra, meanwhile, is scaring me with her “Why are you looking at me?” face.

Mealtime – Nikki’s chatting with Dawn, one of the kitchen workers. Dawn wants to know whether Nikki’s going to karaoke tonight, but Nikki says she doesn’t really want to see Shell “singin’ her tits off.” Shell scowls. Well, it’s more than that: Shell just looks crazy most of the time. Murderous.

Rachel’s next in line. Shell tries to give her the vegan option even though Rachel doesn’t want it. Wait a sec – the vegan option? In prison? I am once again reminded that this is not an American show. I think in the U.S., the option would be fried mouse poo or boiled mouse poo.

Nikki senses trouble and comes to Rachel’s defense. Shell relents and pretends she misread the list of vegans. Oh, so even Shell defers to Nikki. It’s good to be king. Ooh, wait, Nikki as a drag king: That would be delicious.

Nikki walks Rachel over to a table and tells her not to get too friendly with Fenner.

Rachel: I don’t know what you mean.

Nikki: I mean Dockley’s doing life for what she did to a girl she got jealous of. So just be smart. Don’t give her any cause, yeah?

I’m guessing that perpetually murderous look on Shell’s face means she doesn’t really need any cause, but OK. Rachel, why aren’t you more appreciative of Nikki’s advice, or at least of her dashing good looks?

Helen’s office – Helen is meeting with her two least favorite people, Jim and Sylvia. Helen has received an anonymous complaint about drug testing: “Basically what she’s saying is that we deliberately select women who’ll test negative every month – so that we can save ourselves paperwork and avoid looking bad at the Home Office.”

Jim says there’s nothing wrong with keeping the drug figures down. But Helen says the records are full of the same names over and over again. She tells Jim to target suspected users until further notice. Jim points out that there are ways to get around the drug tests, and that if the women want drugs, they’ll find a way to get them, so it’s all pointless anyway. Helen is very good at keeping her face blank even though Jim is spouting nonsense – and, no doubt, waves of halitosis.

Sylvia suggests “100 percent closed visits” – meaning no visitors at all. Helen just listens, her eyebrows tweaked, her mouth a stern line, her teeth probably clamped firmly on her tongue so she can’t tell Sylvia to shut up. Helen has the final word, of course: “We are going to reach out to women like this and bloody well show them that we’re on their side.”

I dunno, Helen. You can lead a guard to a prisoner, but you cannot make him or her care. Especially the evil ones like Jim. Sylvia, I’m not so sure about. I think maybe she’s just mean because Jim is, or because it’s fun to be smug and righteous, but not because she likes to hurt people. But maybe I’m just trying to find some good in her because she looks like my fourth grade teacher.

But I do believe that Helen is on the women’s side. Almost at the expense of her own mental health, I fear.

The processing line — Monica’s not allowed to keep her compact because the mirror could be used as a weapon. But that becomes the least of her worries when Lorna tells her to take her clothes off, “all except your panties.” This lack-of-privacy thing is the main reason I don’t really want to fulfill my prison fantasies.

Let’s talk about Lorna for a minute: First of all, why is she so perpetually cheerful? “I love my job; it’s grim and dark and there are all these women who have no hope of having a good life — what’s not to love?” More important, what’s with her hair? Once again, if this were an American show, things would be different; I’d assume Lorna is a big ol’ dyke. But I am aware that sometimes in the U.K., a sensible haircut is just a sensible haircut.

As Zandra and Monica wait in line in their robes, Zandra asks Monica for a pen. Gee, it makes perfect sense that they’d let Monica keep her pen but not her compact. I mean, the compact is obviously more of a weapon than a pen that could be, say, jammed into an eye or someone’s jugular. Think of all the dastardly things you could do with a compact: You could show Fenner how vile his teeth are, or you could reflect the one prison-infiltrating ray of sunshine around the room so that everyone suddenly felt full of energy and able to overtake the guards, or you could beam Shell’s murderous gaze over to Helen’s compassionate visage and turn Miss Stewart into a Medusa. Wait. That last thing might actually work. Take the compact, Lorna! Take it and smash it into bits so that no one will ever behold its hideous power ever again!

Zandra uses the pen to scrawl something rude on a poster. I’m not being coy; I’m just not quite sure what she’s written. This is why you’re in prison, Zandra: You didn’t pay attention in penmanship class.

Zandra introduces herself to Monica and they bond a little. Zandra mocks Monica’s posh accent a little, but it’s mostly affectionate rather than mean. She draws out the A’s in their names: “Moanicahhhhh, Zaaaahndraahhh.” Monica just sort of stares at Zandra and says she needs a phone. Zandra looks like she needs something a bit more complicated.

Rachel’s cell — Jim is visiting his favorite inmate. I can barely stand to watch this. Rachel looks like a friend of mine who got pregnant at 17, though (happily) not from a guy as slimy as Fenner. I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy as slimy as Fenner, and I hope I never do.

Jim pretends he’s an honorable married man and regrets what he and Rachel did; I assume they had sex last week even though (thankfully) we saw nothing more than kissing. Rachel tells Jim she loves him. Blech.

Confessing — Zandra asks Monica what she’s in for. Monica doesn’t want to answer, or maybe she can’t because she’s still too gobsmacked about the whole thing. Officer Hollamby shows up to continue the processing and recognizes Monica as “that fraud woman” from the papers. It seems Monica was involved in some grand scheme, and her husband took the money and ran while Monica ended up in prison. Nice.

Monica says she really needs a phone, but Hollamby says, “You don’t get special treatment for talkin’ posh in here, you know.” Clearly not. Though Nikki’s accent is occasionally posh, come to think of it. It’s sort of all over the place, which I guess might help her stay on friendly terms with everyone.

Putting ideas in Shell’s head — Dominic is putting up posters about the drug testing. Shell whines that the users ruin it for everyone else, and she should know, since she’s been trying to get Rachel to smuggle some drugs in for her. Dominic, who thinks everyone is basically a good person inside (eye roll), tells Shell to let the DST (Dedicated Search Team) know if she suspects anyone in particular of drug use. He says she can even do so anonymously. Why don’t you just give her a pen and tell her to list all her enemies, Dumb-inic?

The showers — Ooh, showers. What are they like? Can we see? Can we see them being used? Steam and harsh soap and lonely prisoners: How can it go wrong?

But no, we’re just outside the showers. Helen pulls a freshly scrubbed Nikki aside for a quick chat.

Helen: I wanted to talk to you about Carol Byatt.

Nikki: [flatly] Did you, Miss.

Helen: I didn’t have her shipped out. It went over my head. And if you think it was to stop her from suing us for negligence, then I’m absolutely sure you’re right.

Nikki: Great. Even more amazing to me you can stick your job, Miss.

Helen: [as Nikki starts to leave] So you still don’t think you can do any good then?

Nikki: No. I think you do a really great poster. Very eye-catching. Totally pointless.

Nikki’s talking about the drug testing posters. Helen says she’s just trying to test the real suspects and protect the civil liberties of non-users like Nikki. That might work — if curious Shell and clueless Dominic weren’t around. Nikki says nothing.

Helen: You’re not telling me that you take drugs, are you?

Nikki: No. I’m not telling you anything.

Oh, snap!

Still processing — Monica’s appalled, even more than before: She’s just been told she has to undergo a strip search. Hollamby tells her she can be forced, but Monica backs away and refuses to go quietly. Zandra overhears and offers some advice: “Just give the sad old cow a flash, Monica.”

I’m glad we don’t have to see that. I’m still bitter about the showers though.

The bully of G-Wing — Shell tells Rachel to write a letter to the drug testing team. And then she tells her exactly what to say. I wonder if one of the words starts with an “N” and ends with an “I”?

I guess we know what she’s in for — After the processing, Zandra ducks into the bathroom to shoot up. Of the many, many reasons not to do drugs, here are two of the best: (1) you might find yourself forced to transport your drugs in a cavity; (2) you might find yourself dipping a spoon into a toilet because you need a little water to heat up your smack with. Good God.

But Zandra does look pretty happy when she comes out of there. That is, until she sees Denny. Then she looks scared.

High society — Monica’s finally getting to make her phone call. She calls her friend Joan, who’s taking care of Monica’s son. Joan isn’t sure what to tell Monica’s son about his mum’s whereabouts. One doesn’t speak of such things in Monica’s circles.

I get that Monica’s wealthy and posh, but she also just seems like a nice mother. She’s genuinely concerned about her son, and also at a complete loss: What can she do for him while she’s locked up? The friend isn’t exactly helping; she just wants to wash her hands of it. That’s the problem with those posh types; they’re always trying to keep their hands clean.

Karaoke night — Wait: a foxy wing governor and karaoke night? Three hots and a cot and no worries about health insurance or retirement? What’s to keep me out of prison again, exactly?

On their way in for the festivities, Denny shows Shell what’s been smuggled in for her: earrings, not drugs. They share a quick smooch. That is the oddest couple I’ve ever seen.

It’s a stretch for me to say “couple,” though — theirs is a love that dare not speak its name, and nobody else seems to talk about it, either. Probably because it’s not really love. Convenience is not a small factor in prison romances. (I say that like I know. But hey, my TV has taught me that lesbians, at least temporary ones, are not in short supply behind bars. It’s like college, only with even worse food.)

Keeping in touch — Nikki is calling Trish: “Hi, babes, it’s me. Pick up the phone and talk to me. Pick up the phone, darling. Come on, you said you’d be there. Get off the loo or whatever you’re doing.”

That doesn’t sound promising. It does sound gay, though.

Oh, that’s what’s to keep me out of prison — Monica is in a sort of holding cell with several other women, more than a few cockroaches and nothing to do but cry. Zandra’s there too, but she’s not really on the planet at all at the moment, so she doesn’t mind the bugs.

Wow, that was kind of horrific. I don’t think I’d last a night in that place. Well, maybe if I thought I’d see Miss Stewart in the morning.

Mail call — Julie S. has a letter from her son, David. This is a big event — she and Julie J. are thrilled and sit right down to read it. David wants to go to France on holiday with a friend, but Julie S. needs to phone the friend’s parents to say she approves. David goes to an expensive school (’cause his mum knows how to work the streets on the outside), so Julie S. is concerned about sounding as posh as the friend’s parents.

Hmm, who do we know who could sound posh? Think, Julies.

These two are the most sympathetic characters I’ve ever seen. They’re just trying to get by, trying to do right by their kids, trying to make it. Damn the economy and the system for forcing them into prostitution!

Also, I guess the two Julies are the providers of the “light” story line for the episode, just so we can see that it’s not all terrible in prison. It’s not really working, because even these sweet souls have to tolerate the likes of Fenner.

Off to your units — Zandra and Monica are assigned to G-Wing. Zandra says she can’t go to G-Wing because there are people there who are out to get her. I don’t even think this is drug-induced paranoia; she seems serious.

So of course Zandra and Monica get assigned to the four-bed cell with Denny. Lorna tells Monica, “I’m sure you’ll be a good influence on them.” Monica has had exactly one expression on her face since she arrived at Larkhall: sheer horror.

Denny tells Zandra she owes her two bags of smack from the last time she was at Larkhall. Zandra says the gear (that’s slang for drugs; try to keep up) was no good so she owes Denny nothing. Denny just pushes Zandra to the floor and starts choking her. Monica screams at them to stop it. Denny jumps up and asks Monica who she thinks she is and calls her a bitch, so Monica hauls off and slaps Denny. Right on, Mom-ica! It seems that Posh packs a punch. Denny just stops and stares.

Nikki hears the ruckus and comes running, just in time to see Zandra vomit.

Well, never mind all that — Monica and Nikki go for a stroll. Nikki tells Monica that they all get personal “spends,” little amounts of cash that are just numbers in a book but can be used to buy various goodies at the canteen once a week. Nikki introduces Monica to the two Julies. They tell Monica there are nice people at Larkhall, and a nice mushroom quiche and a nice sewing room.

Julie S.: It’s not all bad, Monica.

Nikki: No. It’s just … it’s prison.

Monica: Yes.

That was more amusing than it looks typed out.

Plotting — Shell reckons Zandra has to have some drugs somewhere because she’s a junkie. She tells Denny to go through Zandra’s stuff.

Jeez, Denny, are you whipped or what? She just walks off and does as she’s told. Well, not walks: struts.

Meeting the gov — Helen is conducting Monica’s initial “interview” to make sure Monica understands prison procedures. Monica goes on a tirade about the terrible conditions and the horrors she’s seen. Helen quickly loses patience with Monica, especially when Monica mentions her son, Spencer.

Monica: He’s 30. He hasn’t spent a night apart from me in his whole life. He won’t be able to cope.

Helen: Well, don’t you think it’s about time he grew up, Monica?

Monica: [prickly] My son has Down syndrome.

Helen looks extremely embarrassed and apologizes.

Hmm, I’m sensing a theme in this episode. Women in prison have kids on the outside. And guess what? That sucks for both the mothers and their kids. More for the mums because they’re locked up with psychopaths and horrible conditions, but hey.

Investigating — Denny can’t find any drugs in Zandra’s things. Then she realizes, “She’s crutched it all.” Let’s refer again to the Bad Girls A to Z: crutching is “the most popular method of smuggling drugs or other items of contraband into Larkhall — the items are secreted inside a condom or the finger of a plastic glove and are then concealed inside the body of the inmate.” In other words, crutching is what you do when you just can’t figure out where else to put your drugs or your compact or your pen. OK, maybe not your pen. Ouch.

It’s a strange word: Shouldn’t it be “crotched”? Or is it based on the idea that drugs are a crutch and you’ll do whatever you can to keep them handy? I dunno; whatever the etymology, it’s a nasty business.

Drug testing — The scary-looking drug search team is prowling the halls of Larkhall. Guess where they stop first? Nikki Wade’s cell.

Nikki: Oh, wow. You both for me?

Nikki then calls one of the agents “sir,” not realizing the tall, imposing figure is a woman. Nikki’s actually startled when she realizes; the agent thinks Nikki’s taunting her, but it was an honest mistake. But it’s no less fatal for its honesty — the sir/ma’am tells Nikki to strip.

In the administrative halls, Jim passes Helen and tells her the new anti-drug campaign is OK by him now that Wade’s been targeted. Helen is shocked. Look at her face: She’s thinking, “Oh, no, not my beloved Nikki!” OK, I’m being a little flowery there. She’s probably really just thinking, “Oh, s—.”

Nikki endures the humiliation of the strip search. And it’s definitely humiliating; she has to squat over a mirror. But she manages to tease the agent: “God, it must drive you wild, not being allowed to touch me.” But she very nearly loses her cool when Dominic walks by the open cell and gives her the once-over. He’s ashamed of himself as soon as he does it, though.

And then the Dedicated Search Team ransacks Nikki’s cell. Her books and things are strewn everywhere. As Nikki is picking up the pieces, Helen stops by to apologize.

Nikki: Nice work.

Helen: I’m going to make a complaint. Nikki, they are not allowed to do this.

Nikki: They’re allowed to make me squat over a mirror.

Helen: Nikki, they had good reason to suspect that you were dealing in drugs.

Nikki: Why, because you told them?

Helen says she did no such thing, but Nikki calls her a liar. Helen says the program is still worth it to catch the real dealers and users. Nikki sarcastically says she’s glad Helen’s doing the right thing, then yells at her to “piss off out of my space.”

They both seem sad that they’re fighting. Nikki had started to trust Helen just a little, and now look. Damn you, Dockley.

As she goes, Helen says, “You really let yourself down, Nikki.” Huh? But then Helen pauses as she closes the door to Nikki’s cell, as if she doesn’t know what to think or where to go.

De-crutching — In the bathroom, Denny is using a family-sized tub of margarine to get Zandra’s drugs out of their hiding place. Zandra is screaming like a calf about to be slaughtered.

Yikes. Denny, I was sort of fond of you, but the way you’re squishing that margarine in your gloved hand is very disconcerting. Zandra, instead of screaming, try something like this: “Please let me de-crutch myself. Not only will I give you these drugs; I’ll get some smuggled in for you and will do whatever else you like. Please.” The screaming is only feeding Denny’s bloodthirsty urges. Actually, Denny looks a little nervous, but of course she’ll do whatever Shell tells her to do. Shell is just laughing and casting her murderous gaze around the room. Eek.

I guess now we’ve had a closer look at the showers. I should be careful what I wish for.

Misplaced trust — Rachel talks to Fenner about Shell. She says Shell bullied her into doing something she feels really bad about. What, treating Fenner like a human? But of course Rachel’s talking about the letter to the drug search team, in which she named Nikki as a suspect. Fenner calmly and sleazily tells Rachel it’s all good, and she just has to live with Shell’s bullying.

A solution — The two Julies are still trying to figure out how to sound posh on the phone so Julie S. can call her son’s friend’s mother. They ask Monica to help them out. I do understand that this sort of thing is supposed to make scenes like the de-crutching a little more palatable, but it just feels distracting.

Monica goes back to her cell to find a crying, bleeding Zandra. Monica goes to Nikki’s cell and asks for help.

Nikki: Look, who do you think I am? Head bloody prefect? Why don’t you go ask the sodding screws? Go on.

Monica: I don’t trust the sodding screws. Do you?

And of course Nikki doesn’t. So she helps Zandra into a bath.

The phone queue — Julie S. is finally making her phone call with the help of Monica’s accent and quick wit. There’s a lot of noise in the background, so Monica explains that she’s calling from prison, which of course nearly makes the two Julies have aneurysms. But Monica knows what she’s doing: She pretends to be on the prison’s Board of Visitors, which is a very posh thing to do. The Julies are pleased. It seems little David will get to go on holiday after all.

Visiting hour — Nikki’s girlfriend, Trish, has come to see her. Monica’s son, Spencer, is there too. Zandra’s connection, er, fiancĂ©, is not.

Trish reveals that she’s given up smoking. Nikki feels left out of Trish’s life. I don’t know, Nikki. Trish isn’t that cute. Her blond hair and big eyes and made-up face are sort of annoying me. I picture you with someone more brunette. And more Scottish.

Speaking of that, Helen shows up to just see how everything’s going. Nikki points her out to Trish. Trish says, “You never said she was a babe.” Nikki just sort of smirks, or at least I presume so, because we’re only seeing the back of her head.

I guess Trish is pretty smart after all.

Suddenly, a random prisoner’s visitor tries to pass some drugs. The scary drug agents jump all over the offenders and an alarm goes off. Monica’s son Spencer starts screaming. Julie J. somehow gets the idea to clap to distract him. So everybody in the visiting room claps. It works; Spencer calms down.

That was weird. But again, let this be a lesson: Prison is bad for mother-and-child reunions. I know you couldn’t have guessed that.

Nighttime — There’s no “association” tonight because the inmates are too unsettled. That was pretty much Jim’s decision. In the officers’ lounge, Helen doesn’t really argue with Jim or anyone else; she’s not sure she’s equipped to handle the whole drug search kerfuffle and seems uncertain about everything. Jim and Sylvia revel in Helen’s bewilderment.

The night callers retell Nikki’s visit with the “squat squad” and express support for Monica. When Monica doesn’t answer, the two Julies ask, “Are you there?” Someone calls back, “Well, she’s not going anywhere, is she? Not for five years, anyway.” Good point.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS — Zandra tries to get clean; Shell continues to terrorize Rachel; a new inmate disapproves of Denny and Shell’s relationship.

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