Ask Alyssa: “The Real L Word” voice of reason answers your questions


New Kid On The Block

Hey Alyssa! So excited to hear you are going to be the new advice columnist for AfterEllen! You have truly been the voice of reason on The Real L Word! I am not sure how you keep track of all that drama, but you do it with grace, humility, humor, and some really cute Chihuahuas.

So I have a couple questions that require your lesbian expertise! I have just recently starting coming out to my friends and family and it has felt like such a relief to finally be able to be myself. I feel like I’m definitely ready to start dating girls, but I’m not really sure how to meet people. All my friends are straight so they are really of no use to me in terms of meeting other lesbians, and I would rather not have to resort to using online dating services. (it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I feel like I should play the field a little before. I just don’t know how!)

I’m 23 and from the Boston area. Any tips for me? Also, I am kind of nervous for when I do meet someone that I have absolutely no experience with girls. I’m afraid this will be a total turnoff to people. It’s like trying to get a job with a blank resume! I got nothing! Are my feelings justified? It just feels so embarrassing! Any comments you may have would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for listening Alyssa! Even if you don’t respond to me I really look forward to reading your advice column on AfterEllen! Best of luck to you! Callie

Hi Callie! Boston! I grew up in Connecticut, which isn’t all that far from Boston and I know there are tons of places where you can go to meet people! First off, you may not want to try online dating, and that’s OK, but you might want to check out some websites to see where the girl parties and hotspots are. I recommend (Boston). You can also look on Facebook and see if there are any gay meet-up groups. Joining one doesn’t necessarily mean that you are on the prowl, looking for love, but it could help you to start building a circle of friends that are also gay.

I love my straight friends, but you are right — unless they’re introducing you to their steamy queer sister-in-law or their intriguing single lesbian room mate, they’re not going to be your stairway to heaven, so making some like-minded friends might be your first step. This way you have someone to go out with that won’t get bored an hour into the evening and leave you all alone in the girl bar to fend for yourself.

As for the swag factor, you just have to be a more outgoing version of you. Don’t be shy (unless you find a girl who likes shy girls). If you stand in the corner all night staring, you’ll look like a creep show and you’ll scare people away. Try picking someone in the room that catches your eye and go talk to them. The worse thing that can happen is they pretend to not hear you and walk away, but if that happens who cares, you won’t know them, they’ve never seen you before, you’re brand spanking new to the scene! Keep trying!

About the whole blank resume thing, are you kidding? The lesbian scene works like a conveyor belt. Trust me — you being the new kid on the block will only sweeten the deal. Just make sure you look on point, smell good and have something interesting to talk about. It sounds silly, but it’s true. Best of luck! — Alyssa

Office Crush

First off, I want to say how awesome you are. Second, I’ve got a question. So there’s this girl I work with and I am pretty sure she has been flirting with me for awhile, but of course I have some reservations because I am not about to be that gay girl that makes the work place uncomfortable if I turn out to be wrong about her. We text each other quite a bit when we aren’t at work. At first we used to talk about her ex-boyfriend (she is, as far as I know, straight) and my girlfriend. As time went on, me and my girlfriend split up, we talked more and more and were more and more chatty at work. She gets jealous when I talk to other girls at work and she has even changed her schedule around to match my schedule at work. She’s just started to send me good morning texts. Everyone at work talks about us in a pair like, “Oh you and Katie are so funny together.” Someone even went so far as to say we would make a great couple.

My question is how do I know if she is really into me before I make a move? Are there any clear cut signs as to when a straight girl is really into you or not? –Devin

Hey Devin! First off, thanks for the compliment! The short answer is yes and no. No there is no clear-cut sign unless you are making out and then — well, that girl really isn’t straight, is she? A straight girl is only straight until she makes out, sleeps with or falls in love with a woman. Even if that woman only does any or all of the above with you and then goes back to dating men, she was and is bisexual. A straight woman will never be with a woman, that’s why we call them straight.

I had about 20 emails about hooking up with straight girls, and I felt it necessary to clarify. From everything you have said there seems to be clear signs that she is at the least interested, unless of course you are reading into things. Its not uncommon for a straight girl to want to be the best of friends with a gay girl, especially one who makes them feel special or gives them a ton of attention like it sounds like you might be doing.

You mentioned that you text a lot, which is nice, but have you hung out outside of work? Maybe this girl is interested and you haven’t asked her to hang out so she changed her work schedule around to try to spend more time with you hoping that you would invite her out for drinks one of these days. After all, if she has never been with a woman and you have, she might be waiting for you to invite her into your circle of friends where it might be a more relaxed atmosphere rather than her inviting you out with her and her other straight friends where she might feel more shy and restricted. That would be my first idea: Invite her out with you and some of your friends. Don’t go making any moves just yet, the first night you hang out, feel things out, get to know each other outside of work and see what happens. If you feel like the timing is right, make a joke about how people at work think you make a great pair and see her reaction and remember you have been with girls, you know what to do! It doesn’t have to be weird, people get shot down all the time and they dust their shoulders off and keep it moving. If you see that she isn’t interested, turn things back around into a light-hearted fun time, out with friends. The last thing you want is for your work environment to be all thick and soupy with weirdness, so make sure you know she wants to be more than friends before you go for it. Xo —Alyssa

This was fun, I love to help out, it makes me feel like I am doing something good with the exposure I’ve received from being a part of TRLW. So keep the questions coming, if you or any of your friends have a question that you would like for me to give my advice on, send them to! Also, follow me on Twitter @AlyssaMorganLA xo-Alyssa

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