Hey there cutie pies! This week I received a lot of really good questions, please take a peek and let me know how you think my advice holds up! Thank you so much for reading, and as always keep the questions coming, I’ll do my best to answer you.
Dont Want to be a Wimp
Thank you so much for this advice column. I’ve been reading this column since your first one and I look forward to it every other week. I love you on the show by the way!
OK, so here is my question! I am very close with my mother and father and they are both really open and accepting people. The thing is, I am still afraid to tell them that I am gay. Last week my mother asked me if I would be bringing a boy home for the holidays this year and she seemed really excited about the idea. I have been secretly seeing a girl now for over seven months and we are really getting along well. I have tossed the idea of introducing her to my parents around for weeks but am finding myself feeling nauseous and my palms start sweating when I try to imagine how it will go down. The worst part about it is I think I am doing this all to myself. I really think my parents will be alright with it — it’s just, what if they are not? What would you do in my situation and how would you handle this? I don’t want to be such a wimp, but I just don’t know how else to feel. Thanks — Gloria
Dear Gloria, It’s totally natural to fear the unknown. I completely understand where you are coming from. When I finally came out to my mom, it was just before Thanksgiving, too. My mother had made a comment to me about being too old to bring “friends” home for the holidays when I told her I would be bringing then-girlfriend Shay home with me. If I could go back in time and tell my mom in a different way I would, but the truth is I was upset by her comment and I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings and telling her I was gay. I never meant to send it, but Shay saw the addressed envelope on my dresser and thought that she would do me a favor and send it for me. I died — but once my mother received the letter we had a really good talk. For me, it took a little finesse to get my mother to see where my heart was, but over the years she has really turned a leaf and accepts me for who I am. The truth is, my mom and I have a great relationship and I straight up told her, “Mom, I’m really happy and who I sleep with shouldn’t reflect at all on our relationship. It doesn’t change anything between us as mother and daughter.” She eventually saw that this was the truth, and this was from a person who wasn’t very open. You said both of your parents are really open and accepting — that’s a good start. Your mom was asking about bringing a boyfriend home because she is excited for you to find someone and to be happy I’m sure. I know its nerve-wracking, but you will feel like a weight has been lifted once you share it with them. Good luck — Alyssa
Please let me start off by saying that I LOVED you in TRLW! You are such an awesome friend. So onto my story/question:
So my ex-girlfriend of three and a half years broke up with me about five months ago to be with another woman she had only known for a few months. For about three months after the break up, I was a mess — a complete disaster. She would ignore my calls, texts, everything. And when she started to post up new things about her new relationship online, I had decided it was time to move on. So I started going out every weekend, weeknights if I could. I’ve met new people and made GREAT friends. I’ve also met this one woman in particular who had just gone through the same thing as me. Her ex-girlfriend of four years had broken up with her about a month ago to be with an old girlfriend. With that being said, it gave us a lot to talk about and eventually, we realized that we have so much in common. It has been two months since I met her. We are both still single, but we do have feelings for each other. We could care less about the other girls that try to catch our attention. I guess you can say we somewhat act as if we are a couple, but we’re not. We are just really good friends who are slowly falling for each other and who are honest about it. So honest, that we both agreed it is just not the right time to be “official” only because we are still in love with our exes. We were hurt so badly by them, and it would just be cruel to treat each other like a “rebound.” We both realized that we might have been the “better halves” in our past relationship. We are both highly trustworthy and faithful. Yet, we are so scared that we could be wrong about each other. So we agreed to remain friends until we finally gain the courage and strength to trust and love again. She’s met my family and I am slowly getting to know hers. We hang out with the same crowd so it makes it a lot easier to bond.
I’m falling for her, Alyssa. But in “love”? I’m scared to even write the word. She is such an amazing, beautiful woman. I’d be lucky to have her. And she said she’s be lucky to have me too. But we are just so scared to get hurt again. With all these feelings rushing through me. A few weeks ago, my ex-girlfriend got back in contact with me. We’ve been catching up. I have not brought our situation from the past because I feel like I am making such a great progress in moving on. But as for my ex, she’s been telling me that she has not stopped thinking about me. She still loves me and misses me. She broke up with that girl she left me for about a month ago. She feels ashamed of what she did. She sometimes catches herself wishing she had never left me. But even though she broke up with that girl, she still talks to her, sees her. And now she wants to see me. She did admit that she is not ready to get back with me. But she does want to start things slow and see where it takes us. I haven’t told her about the woman I am currently interested in. She doesn’t need to know. But I did tell her that I do not want to be treated like a toy. She wants to be able to hang out with me on day and the other girl the next day. I do not deserve that. But I still love her very much.
Basically, I am falling for someone who is falling for me, too, and I would love to see where this goes, but my ex wants to try and take things slow with me and see if we can bring back what we had. Alyssa, please, what would you do? Rekindle an old flame or spark up something new that could possibly be better? Looking forward to your answer — Brittany S.
This is tough because I’m sure that you are still in love with your ex, but also forming feelings for this new person. I don’t personally always think that the next relationship after a break up should be considered a “rebound.” I think for people who need something easy and disposable after a bad break up, or a long relationship maybe, but I have friends who got married to the person they dated right after a break up and they never considered them a rebound. It’s all in how you handle yourself and your intentions when entering into something new. It sounds to me like your ex is still keeping her options open and you should, too. I think that it might be healthy for you to date a little before getting into something completely serious and committed right away anyhow.
Maybe you should continue dating your ex, but also explore something more than friendship with this new girl and see how they both make you feel, you might discover that you and your ex have grown apart, or you may realize that she is the one for you. At either rate, I wouldn’t jump right back in or throw away something potentially great without first feeling it out. You and your ex broke up for a reason, that doesn’t mean you cant work it out, but maybe it was for the best and you won’t ever know until after you have tried something completely fresh. Love — Alyssa
This is really embarrassing, but I don’t know who else to ask. I am 24 and not super sexually adventurous. Recently I have started seeing this girl — she drives me completely insane. I can’t stop thinking about her and its like being on drugs when we are together. I am pretty vanilla when it comes to sex, but am open to try new things, it’s just that I don’t want to turn her off by coming off as naive. How can I still look cool and impress her while trying to teach myself new things? Thanks so much — Cristie
This is super cute of you. I was once with a girl that made me feel exactly the same way. She did things that made me blush constantly, but the truth was, that’s what she liked about me. Part of the attraction was that I seemed like a bashful babe when ever she would turn it on. I’m not saying that this is the exact same situation, but it might be similar. I think if you are THAT vanilla she has figured that out by now, and the fact that she is still around is a good thing. I think that its sweet that you want to leave your comfort zone to impress her and as long as you are still having fun why not. One thing that you could do to is ask her what she likes, go on a field trip to a sex shop and try something out! I think it could also be really fun and equally as hot to tell her when you feel like you don’t know something and ask her to show you. You are 24 — you’re going to learn a lot still, I say have some fun. Passion is important, and it sounds like you guys both have some, so run with it! — Xo Alyssa
Do I or Do I or Do I?
Hello there Alyssa,
I just want to say that I love you on The Real L Word and I’m so glad that you and Sara are friends now. I saw you two getting your nails done in West Hollywood last week and you guys looked like you were having a lot of fun together. You both seemed truly happy and very funny, all smiles and laughs!
OK, so here is my question, I hope that you can answer. I have NEVER been with a woman before. In fact, I have a son and have been married before, to a man, but recently we split up. When we were together, my husband and I, he always wanted us to have a threesome. I was very against it, but mostly because I was very intrigued by it and was afraid that I might like it. The thought scared me.
Last month I was at my friends art opening and while I was fixing my shoe in the ladies’ room, my friend’s date came into the bathroom. It was a small bathroom and a tight squeeze into the stall past the vanity, as she passed by me into the stall she smiled at me and then she leaned over and gave me a kiss. It wasn’t a make out, but it was a sweet, small kiss, followed by a stare that lasted forever — or maybe only one second, I have no idea. At dinner after the show me, my date, my friend and his date were all sitting around eating and chatting, but everything around me was muffled, all I could think about was this woman. I honestly don’t remember a thing from that night other than her, her brown eyes, the shape of her mouth, the way her hair was curled in different directions. I sound like a creep. I tried to forget about the entire thing, but yesterday my friend told me his date from the art show a few weeks ago, wanted my number because she told him she thought I was interesting and wanted to hang out with me since she was new to Los Angeles.
I’ve read your past columns and I remember a piece that you once wrote to a younger girl about how not to put labels on yourself, so I’m trying to not put the cart before the horse and assume I know anything about my sexuality, but at this point I keep asking myself, should I, or should I? I feel like I already know what I want to do, but I think I just need someone to tell me to do it too. Sincerely — Lina
I wanted to just leave it at that, but I didn’t think it would be fair. First off, nice visuals! My palms got sweaty just reading your email. Go you! This sounds way too exciting to pass up. I think that you are doing the right thing by not trying to put yourself into a box. It might be a one-time thing, or who knows? It could lead to something so fulfilling. The way you feel right now is so totally normal, especially because you have never been with a woman before, but don’t let your nerves get the better of you. Go out, don’t have any expectations and have a great time. Maybe nothing will happen but hopefully something will, and then you must write to me and tell me everything!
p.s. Yes, Sara and I are friends now and, yes, we laugh a lot together, next time you see us come say hello Good luck! Xo — Alyssa