Best.
Lesbian. Week. Ever.
by Sarah
Warn,
AfterEllen.com Editor The
lesbian pop culture column
Friday, August 18, 2006 (page 2) Page
1 / 2 - Home
THE
SAD THING IS, SHE MAY BE THE LEAST DYSFUNCTIONAL LESBIAN WE
SEE ON THE BIG SCREEN THIS YEAR Ellen
Barkin (Drop Dead Gorgeous, Switch) has a small lesbian
cameo in Trust
the Man, a new film opening in limited release today
that stars David Duchovny, Julianne Moore, Billy Crudup, and
Maggie Gyllenhaal as two New York couples experiencing relationship
problems.
When
Elaine (Gyllenhaal), who is trying to get her first children's
book published, substitutes her professional author photo
with one of herself in a bikini, the lesbian head of a publishing
house (Barkin) suddenly develops a romantic interest in her.
Because everyone knows that high-powered, sexual-harassing
lesbians have a death-grip on the publishing industry.
DESPERATE HEADLINES
According to the tabloids and gossip columns, Eva Longoria
just won't shut up about lesbians. Last week, gossip columnists
were atwitter about Eva telling Playboy magazine
she wanted her character on Desperate Housewives
to have a lesbian fling.
This
week, it's all about how Eva herself once kissed a girl ("It
was very surprising but very nice"), and wishes she had
slept with one before settling down with her current boyfriend
(“I wish I had a full-on gay experience because I think
women are beautiful creatures...Maybe I’m just holding
out for the future.”)
The
problem? While the quotes from Playboy are accurate,
Eva's publicist is denying she made the
latter statements (about wanting to have a lesbian fling
herself). Not surprising, since these comments were originally
"reported" by ContactMusic.com, a publication well
known for making information up (when they're not ripping
their information off from other sources without giving them
credit).
Advertisement
But
you can tell these statements are fiction just based on
Eva's use of the phrase "full-on gay experience".
Because who actually says that in real life? No one but
tabloid writers.
The
most amusing aspect to the tabloid coverage, however, is
how differently (and sensationalistically) the various publications
spin the same information. Here's a look at the recent headlines
touting Eva's lesbian-related statements:
"Eva
Longoria Craves Lesbian Sex" (Gay.com UK)
"Eva Longoria Wants Gay Sex" (Bgay.com)
"Let's Go Lesbian Says Eva" (Sun UK)
"Longoria Longing for a 'Full-On' Lesbian Experience"
(South Asian Women's Forum)
"Girl on Girl in Wisteria Lane" (GCN)
"Longoria Eyes Desperate Lesbians" (ContactMusic.com)
Then you have Marcia Cross's recent comments
about how Barbara Walters is no longer her favorite person
after bringing up the lesbian
rumors when Cross guest-starred on The View
last year. “My father, who’s
80-something, and my mother were in the front row of the
audience," said Cross. "I just thought about
Barbara, ‘You didn’t have to ask me that question.
That was tabloid-y of you.’"
Here's
what the gossip publications have had to say about this:
"Cross
Furious with Walters for Asking About Lesbian Allegations"
(ContactMusic.com)
"‘Housewives’ star has Cross words
for Walters" (MSNBC)
"Marcia Cross upset with Barbara Walters"
(Washington Times)
"Marcia Cross is Angry With Barbara Walters for
Mentioning Lesbian Rumors" (Starpulse)
I'm confused: is Marcia upset, angry, or furious? Oh,
who cares. For a show that has no actual lesbian characters
or content, and stars no openly gay women, it's amazing
how many lesbian-related articles are written about
Desperate Housewives.
Keeping
in the spirit of muck-racking, may we suggest a few
headlines of our own?
"Lesbo-riffic 'News' Nets Het Readers"
"Straight Media Lusts for Lesbian Sexploitation"
"Desperate for More Readers"
STILL
LIFE WITH LESBIANS The N has moved up the
second-season start date of South
of Nowhere--it's now debuting on September 29th.
Check out the short new Spashley-focused promo
for the second season; although we're not exactly sure why
it has our favorite teen sweethearts posed like lesbian
catalog models, we're happy to have them back!
BUT
WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Rock
Star's openly bisexual contestant Patrice
Pike sung her way out of the bottom three again this
week--but barely--with
her rendition of "Celebrity Skin" by Hole.
Look for an interview with Patrice on AfterEllen.com next
week.
To
the surprise of no one, Ellen DeGeneres's popular NBC talk
show has been renewed for another three years. Look
for new episodes to begin again on September 4th.
NBC's
god-awful Passions has become the first soap opera
to offer its episodes for download online, via iTunes.
Out
artist Megan Rose Gedris won second place in the NBC
comic book contest I mentioned here a few weeks ago.
She lost to a guy who wrote a comic about a superhero who
disappeared, but Megan's comic, "I
was Kidnapped by Lesbians From Outer Space", is
still going to be made into a series. Coming in a close
third was "I Got a Book Deal Because My Lesbian Publisher
Thought I Looked Hot in a Bikini."
That's
it for this week! Check back next Friday for a new installment
of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. or read past
installments here.
Ellen
Barkin (Drop Dead Gorgeous, Switch) has a small lesbian
cameo in 
The
most amusing aspect to the tabloid coverage, however, is
how differently (and sensationalistically) the various publications
spin the same information. Here's a look at the recent headlines
touting Eva's lesbian-related statements: 
who’s
80-something, and my mother were in the front row of the
audience," said Cross. "I just thought about
Barbara, ‘You didn’t have to ask me that question.
That was tabloid-y of you.’"