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The GLBT community was one of the first to realize the social and political benefits of the Internet. Early on, gay individuals (especially closeted gay individuals) reached out to one another online for friendship and support. As a result, more and more of us came out — even if only to each other, at first--and our fellowship grew in size and might. We were among the first to respect the power of the Web, not abuse it. Why start now?
Just because the Internet has become the world's largest bathroom wall, doesn't mean we should scrawl on it. While I am a huge proponent of personal responsibility and can appreciate the reasoning behind KnowThyNeighbor.org's actions, and while I can even admit that I get a great deal of satisfaction knowing that somewhere right now a bigot is being metaphorically de-hooded, my better judgment tells me that putting petitioners' personal information on the Internet, although legal, isn't very ethical, and isn't the best use of new media.
As I looked through the Florida list, and searched in vain for the names of the people I know who live there, I felt rather slimy and not very neighborly at all, like I was spying on my neighbors during a fight. Yet, at the same time I felt like a fly on the wall at a Klan meeting. I was a bit empowered. I thought, “Gotcha, Joe Smith at 1234 Main Street, Naples, FL 12345! Now everybody knows you're a jerk!”
But that feeling of superiority was short-lived, lasting only as long as my conscience allowed. It didn't take long to admit that the list smacks of thought policing and blacklisting, and there's just nothing honorable about that.
Thomas Lang and Aaron Toleos, the directors of KnowThyNeighbor.org, tell us that their organization “hopes to inspire civil, legal, and respectful discourse and discourages with its fullest conviction the actions by anyone to harm a person or their property in retribution for exercising their democratic right.” They also tell us, “If you see a friend, family member, or neighbor on the list of petition signers, make sure they are not a victim of fraud and let them know why marriage equality is important to you.”
The language is innocuous enough, even altruistic (“make sure they are not a victim of fraud”), but let's be honest, beneath the good intentions there's an intimidation factor in play. Why not just post names without addresses?
Better yet, why don't Lang and Toleos create and house a user-friendly database where gay and lesbian Americans and our supporters can post our names and the states in which we reside? That would be a much more effective use of the Internet, I think. In fact, I honestly believe that our numbers would render the number of anti-gay petitioners miniscule. Know thy neighbors, indeed!
These are very important times for the gay and lesbian community, crucial even. The rights we have are being threatened and we are up against great opposition in our fight to acquire the rights we don't have. We need to speak out and combat the fear that is at the root of many opinions. But we don't need to be icky about it.
The gay marriage debate has been going on since 1996, when Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act. I suspect that by now, ten years later, most queers know who in their families and circle of friends are for a federal (or state) marriage amendment or against it. I know I do. And many of us have already had conversations with those people about why supporting an amendment is a bad idea. I know I have.
I suspect that some minds have been changed and some have not. But will shaming those we haven't reached help our cause, or is it rather a low blow? Last time I checked, we all still have freedom of thought.
So, what do we make of all of this? Is it a wash? Do the creepy petitioners get what they deserve from the do-good bullies at KnowThyNeighbor.org? Do two wrongs make a right in this case? Will the end, whatever it might be, justify the mean means?
I would hope that if there's one thing we've learned from having conversations about sensitive issues with our families and friends, whether they are political, religious or personal, it's that delivery is everything. No one likes a close-talker (space invader!) and no one likes to be preached to. The best and most effective conversations are those that are invited, not inflicted.
What both the petitioners and the efforts of KnowThyNeighbor.org tell me is that we've got a lot of work to do and resorting to questionable tactics isn't the best way to do it. Let's leave the bullying to our small-minded opponents and instead try to convince them that, as Mr. Rogers believed, diversity is a blessing, not a curse.
But if we think ourselves too mature and our lives too complicated to follow the wisdom of Mr. Rogers, then perhaps we should heed the words of Oscar Wilde, who wrote, “It is grossly selfish to require of one's neighbour that he should think in the same way, and hold the same opinions. Why should he? If he can think, he will probably think differently. If he cannot think, it is monstrous to require thought of any kind from him.”
Kim Ficera is the author of Sex, Lies and Stereotypes: An Unconventional Life Uncensored. Her bi-weekly column Don't Quote Me is dedicated to all the folks in and out of Hollywood who talk without thinking or who don't know when to stop talking. Email her at kim@kimficera.com.
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