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I've never--not once--been mistreated at a hotel because my partner and I walked hand in hand to the front desk. If the “one bed or two?” question is raised, we answer it. It's a question, after all, not a threat. In fact, when checking into hotels, my partner and I are often complimented on our rings. That one remark has led to, “We get many lesbian couples here,” “How long have you two been together?” and the not so scary, “Let us know if you need anything.”
I've also never been insulted by a waiter, mocked by a flight attendant, intimidated at a museum, or assaulted at The Gap. You get the picture--most folks, especially members of the service industry, have more important things to worry about than lesbians.
It's also my experience that unless a person is extremely angry, blindingly drunk or has a screw loose he won't normally react violently in public, even if he's “offended” in some way. For the most part, bigots are cowards who operate best in packs. A lone bigot is simply an ass who is usually outnumbered by the sensible people around him.
A little common sense goes a long way. As a minority that is often looked upon as sick or even dangerous, we in the GLBT community have to be aware of our surroundings at all times. There are, sadly, people out there who want to hurt us, so we should all have a healthy bit of fear. But I truly believe there are more good people in the world than bad. And we have to be open to finding them and letting them discover us. It's okay for us to talk to strangers.
Family situations are, of course, more difficult for us than every day encounters with strangers because it's no fun being insulted and criticized by people who are supposed to support and love us. Naff argues that by coming out some of us risk “alienating” those closest to us. But most of the coming-out stories that I've heard don't prove that at all. Gays and lesbians don't alienate our families; our families far too often alienate us.
I invite my partner to all my family functions because she is part of the family, not a conversation piece. I told myself long ago that if someone has a problem with our relationship, the problem is theirs, not ours. If any member of my family ever told me that my partner wasn't welcome in their homes, they wouldn't see me again. I wouldn't waste time discussing the situation, because my personal life is not up for discussion.
Granted, I'm not sixteen and just coming out. I'm mature, independent and confident. I can live without my mommy's approval on everything. And I can certainly live without the approval of a cousin I see once every five years. I also know that coming out is hard, being young and gay is hard, and everyone's situation is different. But at some point, we all must ask ourselves, “Who is the boss of my life?”
While it might be, as Naff says, “easier” for gay people to leave our partners home rather than take them to family functions, it's really just a temporary solution to a potentially permanent problem. By avoiding certain situations that directly or indirectly reveal or even highlight our homosexuality, we are giving into an idea that our lives (and who we share our lives with) are wrong and bad. We are giving people permission to think of ill of us. And I think we should all refuse to do that. At the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil, it's up to us to dictate how we want to be treated, not anyone else.
While it's not my place to tell Naff or any gay person how to live his life, I think it is my responsibility as a columnist not to add fuel to fires that might--might--burn us, but to empower readers to put out those fires.
Kim Ficera is the author of Sex, Lies and Stereotypes: An Unconventional Life Uncensored. Her bi-weekly column Don't Quote Me is dedicated to all the folks in and out of Hollywood who talk without thinking or who don't know when to stop talking. Email her at kim@kimficera.com.
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