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SH: I need to tell you that you're not fooling anyone by appearing so…so normal and harmless. You're holding back, and I know it. Surely you have a marriage to destroy today, some innocent youth to poison.
ME: ‘Fraid not.
SH: You're trying to trick my viewers into believing that everything they've heard about you and your kind is a lie. You're putting your evil life on hold until I leave.
ME: Nope. This is what I do …everyday … whether you're here, or not.
SH: I don't believe you.
ME: Stay as long you like, and see for yourself.
(Many, many, many minutes of evil-less silence melt into hours of evil-less silence, broken now and then only by the sound of fingers on a keyboard.)
ME: Not as exciting as a Terri Schiavo vigil, huh?
SH: Hardly.
ME: Why don't you go watch yourself on TV?
SH: I don't want to miss anything.
ME: You won't miss a thing, I promise. If I do something really gay and evil, I'll come get you.
SH: I'm not falling for that. I know how sneaky you are! Falwell, Perkins and Dobson have said that you …
ME: Yeah, yeah, they've said a lot of things. Perhaps you should go live with them for a while.
SH: Cut! Go to commercial! … Kim, do you want me to lose my job?
ME: I'd rather you to do your job. You know, report the facts, be fair and balanced.
SH: I am fair and balanced.
ME: Very few people believe that, Sean. And this is your opportunity to prove you're fair. After you leave here, go see what the Traditional Values Coalition and Focus on the Family are up to and then report …
SH: I can't investigate Christian organizations. And I certainly can't continue to report that your life is … this … this… not evil! This isn't working out. I'm leaving. I think I can make it to Cindy Sheehan's before lunch.
ME: The public wants truth, not distraction.
SH: See, that's where you're wrong. The public doesn't really want the truth. My viewers want one thing — to believe that they're better than you. They need to believe that the horrible things they've done in their lives don't come close to the horrible things you've done.
ME: And you give them what they want.
SH: I tell them they're right every night, and that's the truth. Can you handle it?
Kim Ficera is the author of Sex, Lies and Stereotypes: An Unconventional Life Uncensored. Her bi-weekly column Don't Quote Me is dedicated to all the folks in and out of Hollywood who talk without thinking or who don't know when to stop talking. Email her at kim@kimficera.com.
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