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SH: We arrived moments ago, just as Kim was getting out of bed to begin her evil daily life. We, like you, have no idea what's in store. Kim could attack me, my cameramen, and any innocent passers-by at any moment in an attempt to seduce us into homosexuality. No one is safe. No one.
(Me, walking across the living room to the kitchen in my pajamas and slippers.)
SH: It's daybreak. The sun is rising over a distant mountain range and peeking through the branches of the large oak in Ficera's frontyard. The scene is, ironically, almost Biblical…
When do you begin Satan's work, Kim?
ME: First I feed the cats, and then I make coffee. Want a cup?
SH: Her arrogance is astonishing, ladies and gentlemen.
ME: Well?
SH: No, thank you. But tell me what a normal day is like for you — a woman filled with unspeakable and uncontrollable sexual desires.
ME: I'm going to sit at my desk and work for the next five or six hours.
SH: You're going to write your filthy propaganda and forge your harmful homosexual agenda into the minds of unsuspecting youth, aren't you?
ME: There is no homosexual agenda, Sean. That's a lie…
SH: Yes there is.
ME: No, no there's not.
SH: Is too! Is too! Is too!
ME: Look, I'm going to read the news, answer emails, and start my column. Now and then I'll pet the cats and go to the bathroom. At some point I'll walk up the driveway and get the mail. Later, I'll have some lunch and do a little laundry or go shopping.
SH: Shopping for sex toys, whips and pornography?
ME: No. I need asparagus and socks. Oh, and potting soil.
SH: Potting soil? Is that code for crystal meth?
ME: No, it's code for dirt.
SH: When do you stalk the school children?
ME: I spend my days avoiding children, not molesting them.
SH: How do you recruit them into homosexuality? Do you do it online or befriend them with candy and puppies at the skate park?
ME: Neither. This is my life, not a bad after-school special.
SH: Where do you have sex with the cats?
ME: Not going to happen.
SH: But you love them?
ME: Of course.
SH: And you want to marry them?
ME: No. That would be weird.
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