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Jodie's
no dumbass. I’m sure she
was paying attention to Ellen and Anne. I doubt she wants
to be another Rosie. She wants to work. She seems fiercely
independent to me and probably doesn’t want to be
owned by the lesbian community.
Yes,
owned.
We
lesbians might be a fun bunch, but we can be very demanding.
Jodie's fabulous, sure, but even she knows she’s
not perfect. She could not possibly live up to the image
that lesbians all over the world have created for her.
But
let’s imagine that she tried.
Let’s
now pretend that Jodie comes out—way out—on
Larry King. She shows up on his incredibly ugly,
Lite-Brite set with her partner and kids. They are a happy,
loving queer family, displayed at prime time for all in
the world to gawk at, love or criticize.
Jodie and Cydney hold hands during the interview. They call each
other “wife.” Maybe they even kiss as Larry
goes to a commercial. After the break, Larry takes calls
and Jodie deflects every anti-gay comment with class and,
of course, wit. Everyone laughs, including the kids, who
are smiling and appear well adjusted. The oldest tells us
who his father is (no, not Russell Crowe or even David Crosby).
And by the end of the show, Jodie tells Larry all of the
things we’ve been dying to hear, including that she’ll
run for President in 2008.
As
the weeks and months go by, Jodie The Amazing Lesbian is
everywhere. The kiss with her “wife” is replayed
on CNN every hour and on Fox News every 30 seconds (this
upsets Greta Van Susteren very, very much). She talks live
with Katie Couric and Oprah, and she’s so direct and
honest with Bill O’Reilly that she makes his head
explode—literally. She guest stars on The L Word
and writes a bestseller called You’re Right! I’m
a Lesbian!
She’s
honored by the HRC, GLAAD and every other queer acronym
you can think of. She pole vaults in the Gay Olympics and
wins a gold medal. She promises to make movies starring
real lesbians. She appeals to all her gay and lesbian friends
in Hollywood to come out, and some of them do. We love her.
She’s the perfect lesbian. Even Ellen, who normally
avoids all things gay on her show, invites Jodie to be a
guest. They dance up on stage together and chat for the
entire hour under a blanket by the light of the Looky Loo.
Life is wonderful…
…Until
it’s not. Jodie soon fucks up—in our
eyes, at least. She does something wrong—something
ridiculously human and incredibly innocuous—yet we
deem it bad and can’t forgive her for it.
What
does she do? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe she’ll
be caught by the paparazzi driving around Hollywood without
her rainbow flag bumper sticker. Or perhaps she’ll
say something stupid, call someone “too gay”
or “not gay enough.” Or, worse, maybe she’ll
move to Miami, cut her hair in a way we don’t like
and then tells Brooke Shields that aspirin will stunt her
growth. Whatever un-PC or peculiar thing she’ll do
or say, we’ll take it personally and waste no time
in letting her know how we feel.
Faster
than she can say “Tay in the wi-i-i-i-ind,”
the Lesbian Police will whack Jodie Foster upside her head.
She’ll be swiftly banished to public relations hell
to spend eternity with Chastity, Rosie, Tom, and the most
hated lesbian-for-a-moment of all time—Anne Heche.
Is
that what we want?
If
there’s anyone who’s damned if she does and
damned if she doesn’t, it’s Jodie Foster.
Time
will tell if Jodie ever makes the grand leap from lesbian
icon to Super-Lesbian. But in the meantime, I say we move
on. She’s probably doing more good for the lesbian
community under a cloud of suspicion than she would if we
got our hands on her.
Kim
Ficera is the author of Sex, Lies and Stereotypes: An Unconventional
Life Uncensored. Her
bi-weekly column Don't
Quote Me is dedicated to all the folks in and out of
Hollywood who talk without thinking or who don't know when
to stop talking.
Email her at kim@kimficera.com.
