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Obvious Woman turns the radio off, runs to her phone, and calls her very close friend, Absurdity Woman.

“Absurdity Woman here. State your absurdity!”

“We must join forces!” Obvious Woman insists. “I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Howard Stern’s bathroom humor is considered more offensive than Pat Robertson’s call for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez! How absurd it that?”

“Oh, it’s absurd, all right!” replies Absurdity Woman. “Think about it. Narcissist Man and the Others would have been more offended if Robertson suggested someone fart on Chavez.

“Scary!” says Obvious Woman. “But obvious.”

“Instead of holding Robertson to his own moral standard, we call him, “crazy”! Absurd Woman says. “And I think that’s absurd … and very stupid. It’s counterproductive for us to laugh off his statements when it’s becoming more and more clear that all that separates him from Narcissist Man is a good PR manager.”

Obvious Woman nods. “Will you help me inform the citizens?”

“You can count on me,” avows Absurdity Woman. “But we can’t fight this moronic wickedness alone. We should seek the help of … BullshitMan.”

“Obviously!” replies Obvious Woman. “Narcissist Man and his goons go on TV and say things that are not true, malign an entire race with one statement, or even call for the assassination of a world leader, and don’t lose sleep over what they’ve said. Why? Because in a matter of hours any faux-paus will be spun into foie gras!”

Absurdity Woman agrees. “Exactly. I recall that after Robertson suggested that the U.S. ‘take out’ Chavez, Rush Limbaugh asked on air, “Well, Pat, why did you not include Castro?””

“A few months after that,” recalls Obvious Woman, “Bill Bennett’s “abort every black baby in the country and your crime rate would go down”-vomit was turned into a five-star meal — without much from Bill Bennett. Lots of folks came to Bennett’s rescue, including the Other called James Dobson, who suggested that the reason the left reacted so viciously to Bennett “is that their own abortion movement is rooted in racism."

“The public is getting used to the finessed God-speak and contemptuous behavior of Narcissist Man and the Others,” Absurdity woman insists. “Mr. and Mrs. Average are becoming numb to reckless rhetoric. Too many are downright ignoring First Amendment abuses, even when discourse reaches outrageous levels. We must reveal the absurdity!”

Obvious Woman sighs. “Remember when Others could shock you?” she asked Absurdity Woman. “Remember how you felt in 2001, when Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson discussed the events of 9/11 on The 700 Club?”

“I became famous that day,” said Absurdity Woman. “The entire nation was shocked by the inanity.

“Today, Falwell would have to strap a bomb around his middle and blow-up himself and half of the Castro-Opolis for anyone to believe he’s an irresponsible menace,” Obvious woman asserts. “I’ve had enough! We can’t let Narcissist Man cloud reason with talk of censorship. We must do all we can to bring integrity and responsibility back into free speech and to convince the people of Metrosexopolis that their rights will not be threatened.”

“As long as I’m alive, Narcissist Man and his homophobic goons will always have the privilege of free speech and religion,” Obvious Woman promises. “They’ll always be able to offend gays, lesbians, Jews, Muslims, and anyone else they want to offend. And they’ll always be able to do it in the name of God. It’s the Metrosexopolis way! Will you help me Absurdity Woman?”

“Yes, of course I will. There’s much work to do.”

“Obviously,” said Obvious Woman. “Obviously.”

Tune in next time when Obvious Woman, Absurdity Woman and Bullshit Man join forces to rescue Abundantly and Clear from the clutches of Narcissist Man and continue to fight the never-ending battle for Truth, Justice, and Unambiguousness.

Editor's note: Kim will be on a break for the rest of the month; check back in mid-January for a new edition of Don't Quote Me.

Kim Ficera is the author of Sex, Lies and Stereotypes: An Unconventional Life Uncensored. Her bi-weekly column Don't Quote Me is dedicated to all the folks in and out of Hollywood who talk without thinking or who don't know when to stop talking. Email her at kim@kimficera.com.

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