The
episode starts off with football player Van (Steve Howey) explaining
to his family that the top agent in his league is interested
in representing him, but "she won't represent problem athletes,
so her big thing is to meet the family and check 'em out."
His mother-in-law Reba (Reba McEntire) assures him they'll make
a good impression, but Reba's teenage daughter Kyra (Scarlett
Pomers) isn't quite so optimistic.
REBA:
Don't worry Van, we'll make you proud.
KYRA: Proud? Look around this place, buddy. You live with the
divorced mother of your teenage bride due to pregnancy, whose
dad ran off with his dental assistant, also with child. (pause]
I may claim to be pregnant just to fit in.
VAN: She's right! We're practically circus people!
KYRA: 'Practically'? Put Barbra Jean in a tiny car and we could
sell tickets.
Cut
to an exchange between Reba and her 9-year-old son Jake (Mitch
Holloman) trying to fit into last year's suit, which is way
too small for him. Cheyenne comes down the stairs wearing a
low-cut shirt, which exasperates Van, who tells her "My
agent's a woman--put those away! [referring to her breasts].
Reba's
ex-husband's current wife, Barbra Jean (Melissa Peterman), shows
up uninvited and chatters on about how she loved the movie Jerry
McGuire. Reba tries to get rid of her but she insists on
staying.
Finally
the agent, Sadie Owens, (Wendy Malick) shows up in a nice business
suit, still negotiating a deal on her cell phone. She hangs
up, apologizes, and introductions are made all around.
BARBRA
JEAN [shaking Sadie's hand]: Barbra Jean Hart. Reba and I have
the same last name because I married her ex, Brock. We're currently
separated, but his teenage daughter still lives with me, even
though Brock moved out. (pause] He's on pills.
Reba
glares, they all sit down, and Barbra Jean chatters about Jerry
McGuire some more. Cheyenne asks whether Sadie spells her
name with a "y" or an "ie." Reba's ex-husband
(and Barbra Jean's soon to be ex-husband] Brock (Christopher
Rich] shows up.
BROCK
[shaking Sadie's hand]: So, a woman sports agent.
SADIE: Yes, women have made great strides in the last hundred
years.
Barbra
Jean and Brock start arguing, and Van steers them into the kitchen
to argue there. Cheyenne makes another stupid comment and leaves
the room in embarrassment, leaving Reba and Sadie alone on the
couch.
REBA
[sarcastically]: Well, that's his peeps.
SADIE: Look, I don't expect any family to be perfect. I've got
kids and an ex-husband and a crazy family of my own.
REBA: Yeah, but you haven't met all of them. Our other daughter
Kyra lives with her dad--
SADIE [interrupting]: I have a daughter who lives with her father
too. I miss her like crazy, but she makes his life so miserable
that somehow it all evens out."
REBA: We really do have a lot in common! You know I
was just saying this morning how I miss having someone to relate
to. It gets lonely sometimes.
SADIE: Tell me about it. I started talking to my bird. But you...I
don't understand how you can be lonely.
REBA: Well, my girlfriend, she moved away, and she was supposed
to come visit this weekend, but she's in this "new relationship."
SADIE: well maybe you'll meet someone new.
REBA: yeah, that'd be nice. Hey, you know what? Maybe you and
I could get together sometime and hang out!
SADIE: Really?
REBA: Yeah!
SADIE: Well, yeah, sure. This is wild, because this is actually
what I've sorta been hoping would happen ever since I switched
teams.
REBA: teams? but if you're an agent, how could you...
SADIE: not sports teams.
REBA: oh.
SADIE: yeah, I got a divorce and then I realized "I'm gay!"
Reba [finally getting it]: Oh....
SADIE [putting her hand on her leg]: that's just another thing
we have in common.
REBA: oh?
SADIE: it's okay, Van already told me you were gay.
Reba: [looking shocked]: So Van told you I was gay?
SADIE: I'm sorry, was I not supposed to say anything about it?
He was so upfront about it. Well, the truth is, he said you
were super gay.
REBA: He always was a talkative little poot [getting up]. Could
you excuse me for a second?
Reba
runs into the kitchen, grabs Van by the ear, and pushes him up against
the wall.
REBA:
Why did you tell Sadie I was gay?
VAN: I never said that! Why would I say that?
REBA: Did you tell her I was super gay?
VAN: Well, yeah. I didn't mean to, it's just Sadie and I were
talking about our favorite cities, and I said I really liked
Lubbock, and she mentioned San Francisco. I wanted to say something
clever and make a joke, but I don't know anything about San
Francisco except cable cars and gay people. So I made a joke
about gay people and it wasn't funny apparently, because she
looks at me kind of offended and says "Van, I'm gay. Do
you have a problem with gay people?" And I'm like "No,
no, not at all. My mother-in-law is super-gay."
BROCK [grinning at Van]: I love you man.
CHEYENNE: Sadie is gay? This top is perfect. She probably
hasn't even heard a word I've said.
REBA: You're going to go in there right now and tell her the
truth!
VAN: Mrs. H, if she knows I lied she won't represent me. Believe
me, lesbians do not find this kind of thing funny!
BROCK: They really don't.
VAN: Mrs. H, if she doesn't represent me then all the other
agents will think there's something wrong with me. And then
who will be my agent then? The golfing dentist with the bad
accent.
CHEYENNE: I can't keep rationing diapers, mom. And I want things.
Shiny, fancy things.
VAN: Maybe you could just go with it for a few minutes?
BROCK: Yeah, Reba, what's a few minutes?
BARBRA JEAN: Just don't go to Massachusetts, Reba. Theyr'e making
them get married.
REBA: It's a little more complicated than just fibbing about
it for a few minutes. [pause] I may have already asked her out.
CHEYENNE: Wait mom, what exactly did you say?
REBA: That maybe we could hang out together sometime.
CHEYENNE: Well, that seems pretty innocent.
REBA [continuing]: because my girlfriend moved out of town and
I was lonely.
BROCK: Alright, hang on a second. Saying "maybe we could
hang out" doesn't mean you asked her out on a date.
REBA: Really?
BROCK: Absolutely! You've got nothing to worry about.
Sadie
walks into the kitchen and interrupts them. SADIE:
Hey guys, there's a boy in a tiny suit in there watching TV.
REBA: I'm sorry, I was just coming out [realizes what that sounds
like]...of the kitchen. I was just coming out of
the kitchen.
SADIE: Look, I have to go anyway. But it's been real.
VAN: Wait a second, wait a second. [pause] This isn't my real
family. They're circus people.
SADIE: Van, I like them. And I'm looking forward to representing
you.
VAN: You'll be my agent?
Sadie nods and Van squeals and hugs her.
SADIE: I'm going to start on Van's deal right away, and it was
great meeting you [she shakes Reba's hand goodbye and leaves].
REBA: I am never getting myself in that situation again.
SADIE [popping her head back in the kitchen]: Oh Reba, I almost
forgot. How about I pick you up tomorrow night at eight, and
we can "hang out"?
REBA: Super.
VAN [pacing in the living room looking up the stairs]: Where's
your mother? It's almost time for her date!
CHEYENNE: Van, I would stop calling it that. And stop singing
that song about her and Sadie in a tree.
BARBRA
JEAN: Did I miss it? Did you take pictures? Oh my gosh, did
they look adorable?
Reba
comes down the stairs in jeans and a white t-shirt, with a light
brown jacket over it.
BARBRA
JEAN: Oh Reba, you are definitely going to be the pretty one.
Reba
glares at her and goes to sit on the couch next to Cheyenne.
REBA:
I don't think I can go through with this.
CHEYENNE: Mom, this really important for our future, okay? Sadie
could take his career to a whole 'nother level.
REBA: Sadie's a really nice person and I don't like lying to
her.
VAN: Mrs. H, I know this has been tough on you, but I promise
you, the second the deal's done, I'll tell Sadie the truth.
I don't care what she thinks about me. You are more important.
The
doorbell rings, and when Barbra Jean opens the door, Sadie walks
in.
SADIE:
I have big news!
VAN:
Is it about my deal? Is it done? Is it good?
SADIE [smiling]: Well, if you consider a 25% raise and a third
year good, then I'd say yeah, it's pretty good!
VAN [excitedly]: We're so rich!!
Van
and Cheyenne hug. Reba congratulates Van and gives him a meaningful
look. He reluctantly turns to Sadie.
VAN:
Sadie, there's something I need to tell you.
SADIE:
I know, and you're welcome. But you just wait and see how badly
we're going to nail them on your next three-year deal!
VAN [turning back to Reba]: Have a nice dinner!
He
grabs Cheyenne and they make a run for the door while Reba fumes.
REBA:
Barbra Jean, could you give us a minute alone.
BARBRA JEAN: Sure! And by the way, I have a suggestion of where
you two could go.
REBA: I have a suggestion where you can go, too.
BARBRA JEAN [looking miffed as she leaves]: I thought gay people
were jolly!
SADIE: So Reba, what's going on?
REBA: Well, here's the thing. It's a little bit funny, depending
on your sense of humor. You see, I'm kind of a little bit less
gay than Van said I was.
SADIE: Oh, so you're not super gay.
REBA: No. I have no powers of gayness whatsoever.
SADIE: Oh.
REBA: I'm sorry. When Van told you that, he was just trying
to cover up some lame joke of his.
SADIE: I see. [begins pacing] I should've known, this happens
to me all the time. [turning back to Reba] See, I got no gaydar.
How am I supposed to meet women? I got no gaydar, I got no dates,
I got nothing. It's because I'm no good. I'm bad. I am a bad
lesbian [flops on the chair].
REBA [sitting on the couch]: well, for as long as I've been
a lesbian, I can tell you: it's not easy.
SADIE: When you come out of the closet they never tell you how
hard it's going to be. All the TV shows and the magazines that
make it look so easy. "Get out in the world, the women
are waiting for you." Well, you just look out there [pointing
to the window behind her] and tell me if you see any available
women.
Reba
looks out the window and sees Barbra Jean with her faced pressed
against the glass.
REBA:
Yeah, it's ugly out there.
SADIE: I don't know, I just get a little lonely sometimes.
REBA: Yeah, I know. Like when you're best friend moves away
and you think you've found someone you could be friends with,
but then you blow it by pretending to be gay.
SADIE: Why do you think you blew it?
REBA: Well, if you lied to me I wouldn't want to be friends
with you!
SADIE: Reba, I'm an agent, I'm going to lie to you!...Hey, we
both lie, that's another thing we have in common.
REBA: So I guess that means we can still go to dinner?
SADIE: Well, I'm going to have to cancel the violinist and you're
going to have to pay your own way.
Reba
laughs and they head for the door.
REBA:
Hey, you're not the kind of friend who runs off to Jamaica with
a nun, are you?
SADIE [shaking her head]: I won't make that mistake twice.
Reba
laughs and opens the door to find Van, Cheyenne, and Barbra Jean
all listening through the door, and the two women pass them on their
way to the car.
VAN:
Where you two going?"
REBA: Out to dinner.
BARBRA JEAN [watching them walk away]: Oh my gosh! She turned
Reba!
VAN [excitedly]: Elizabeth is gonna have two grandmas!
Read
an analysis of this episode here.
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