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Carmen's casa — Carmen's mom tries to hook Chane up with some carpet-cleaning guy. Carmen loses her temper (gee, she's never done that before) and blurts out that she's Shane's girlfriend.

Carmen's mom tells Carmen and Shane to get out of her house. Abuela tries to intervene, but Carmen's mom says "Mejor puta que lesbiana," I think. Whoa.

Dana's place — Alice is on her way out for her date with Chandra. She's brought Dana some DVDs.

Alice: "I got you the complete Dirk Bogarde collection and, like, the whole John Hughes collection, so whatever you're in the mood for."
Dana: "All right. No mistaking what you're in the mood for tonight, is there?"
Alice: "What?"
Dana: "Huh? Nothing. Nothing!"

Ooh, passive-aggressive much, Dana? Alice immediately feels guilty and says she'll stay, but Dana plays nice and tells her to go. But not before making Alice come back long enough to get her a blanket. And then as the door closes, Dana looks sad and lost.

Sigh. Damn this storyline.

And damn this one even more — Henry and his kid Mikey (annoying kid Mikey) have been hanging out with Tina and Angelica. Next thing you know, they're kissing (um, I mean Henry and Tina) and Tina is inviting Henry and Mikey to stay for dinner. Hold on; this is gonna get rough.

The retreat — Stillness and quiet and resolve and peace are entirely eluding Bette.

The beach — Helena is leaving a voice mail for Dylan; it's not the first. Just as she hangs up, a guy shows up to give her a "sexual harassment subpoena" that looks about as authentic as the I.O.U. I typed up for my sixth grade social studies teacher when he kept betting me I couldn't get 100% on the pop quizzes and then wouldn't pay me all the Mountain Dew he owed me.

All Helen can say is "God." Helena, oh Helena, why are you so stunned? You picked a hell of a time to start trusting your lovers.

Dinner — Chandra and Alice are having a good time and talking about the funny (ha ha) phenomenon that is lesbian exes — "Where we maintain deep, intimate, sexless relationships with our past lovers." Yes, it's one of the perks.

Right on cue, Alice's cell chirps: it's Dana. Alice tells Dana she'll be right there after dinner. Chandra asks whether Dana wants to get back together with Alice; I yell "YES!" at the screen, but Alice just says it's a loaded question and it's hard to tell. And then Dana calls again, but this time it's urgent and Alice has to leave.

When Alice arrives, Dana is a shivering quivering mess — not of passive-aggression. She's genuinely sick.

The kitchen of gloom — Chane and Carmen talk about the familial outing.

Shane: "I don't wanna lose your family. Okay? I don't want them to hate me. I think it would be really fucked if they sat there and they blamed me for this, which I am so sure they already have."
Carmen: "What do you know about family?"

Carmen. You have got to learn to control that caliente stuff. But for now, she's saved by the bell: Alice is calling to tell Shane that Dana's in the hospital with an infection.

From infection to invasion — Tina and Henry fuck. Against the door. Of Bette's bedroom. In Bette's house. Near Bette's bed.

And when Henry tries to go down on Tina, she says "That's not what I want," because no, that's too gay, and everyone knows a real woman prefers a good poke against the door of her not-quite-ex-girlfriend's bedroom while her daughter is sleeping soundly, dreaming of her other mommy.

The first time The L Word made me cry — At the retreat, Bette sneaks away to make a phone call. She leaves a message:

Bette: "Hello Angelica, it's your Mama B. calling. I just wanted to call you to tell you that I love you and I miss you. I just...I can't stand this anymore. I mean, I'm supposed to be on this silent retreat, and everything just seems so loud. My loneliness is just so loud, and I can't stand it. I just want to come home. I want my art, I want my books, I want my things, I want my house. I just want to be able to kiss you good night. I just... I want my life back. I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want..."

The hospital — As she gets wheeled away on a gurney, Dana reaches for Alice and says "Don't go."

NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD: I don't think I want to know.

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