1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 - Next

Carmen tells Jenny that the place looks great, and if her prom had looked that good, she would have attended. Jenny wants to know why Carmen didn't go to her prom; turns out she was too busy attending a porn festival with Eva Torres, who taught her how to sixty-nine.

Alice: "That's, like, the coolest prom night. I'm so jealous. I mean, I went, but it sucked. [to Shane] Did you go to prom?"
Jenny: "No, she didn't finish high school."
Alice: "You didn't finish high school."
Shane: "No."
Alice: "It's all right. The G.E.D."

Max tells his prom story (he went with Buck Thornton, the captain of the football team), and then gets upset because one of the decorations is a big pin-the-whatever-on-the-tranny, and of course one of the whatever pieces is a penis. Max says "Jenny, you can't do this. It's disrespectful."

Jenny: "But... but it goes... inside the pants."

That was adorable. Again, possibly only in contrast to the un-adorableness of Max's bad attitude and Sea's bad acting.

The retreat — One of the monks (monks? spiritual guides? beautiful bald robed women?) is asking Bette whether she's having any trouble with the silence or the meditation or anything. Bette just shakes her head, but it's pretty clear that things are not even a little bit fine.

A swimming lesson — Tina and Helena are at the swimming lesson with their kids. There's a guy there; his name is Henry, and Tina likes him immediately. I temporarily (mercifully) get distracted from the flirtation because I'm trying to figure out who that guy is: then I realize it's the guy who played Ellen's old boyfriend (the news anchor or whatever he was) in The Puppy Episode. Steven Eckholdt, guest-bian extraordinaire. As in extraordinarily annoying.

So yeah, Tina's giving him all these lusty looks and he's doing the boy-next-door thing and I'm feeling sick. The only bright spot is Angelica's eyebrows; that is a cute kid.

Tina says Angelica loves being around men, but Angelica looks at her like "No, I'm Angelica; your name is Tina. Don't pretend you're talking about me when you're talking about you. And hey, where did the cooler mommy go?"

Carmen's mom's house — Shane likes being part of the family. She brings Abuela her cigars and gets a hug in return. Abuela notices Chane's tattoo, and I think Abuela says something about "matrimonio," and then Carmen's mom notices that Shane and Carmen have matching tattoos. Ooh, busted!

The '80s Trans Prom — Alice and Tina and Helena are sporting '80s clothes and hair. Helena looks pretty gorgeous — she's wearing one of those skinny ties and generally has that '80s "mannish" look that wasn't really all that mannish (see my eyeliner reference above). Tina looks awful: I guess it's sort of Debbie Gibson hair, but it's not cute or funny in the slightest. Alice, of course, is adorable. She looks like she stepped right out of the "Love is a Battlefield" video, and that's a good thing in my world.

They talk about how much they've already learned at the tranny prom.

Helena: "I didn't know it was possible to go through life using gender-neutral pronouns."
Alice: "Do you know what I heard today? 'Ze doesn't like my new genitals, so I told hir to fuck hirself.' I also learned that a vagina is a 'bonus hole.'"
Tina: "Or a 'cockpit.'"

Shut up, Debbie Gibson's ugly stepsister.

Alice tosses a grin to the woman at the kissing booth, and of course Tina and Helena notice. The woman's name is Chandra, and she has already asked Alice out. Tina and Helena tell Alice to go on the date, but Alice is unsure. Tina tells her Dana will be fine.

So they all stare at Dana, who's talking with a transman about the scars from his top surgery.

Dana: "So when did you know?"
Transman: "From the first moment I started growing breasts, I knew I wanted them gone. I even prayed to god for this chest."
Dana: "Really? I used to thank god for my boobs. They were really nice."
Transman: "Really?"
Dana: "Yeah."
Transman: "Huh."

It doesn't look cute and funny typed out, which is a shame. Because it's cute and funny.

Dana, by the way, has the worst '80s costume ever. I don't even know how to describe it; possibly Carol Channing meets Molly Ringwald. Anyway, Dana goes over to Alice and Helena and gets clued in to the Chandra situation. She encourages Alice to go out with Chandra, but far too excitedly.

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 - Next