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Shaolin
Studios — Dylan and her man are there
for a meeting with Tina and Helena. Helena says yes
to everything Dylan asks for, which annoys Diva-Tina.
Alexandra Hedison is just really damn foxy. And of
course Helena agrees with me: when Dylan starts to
leave but then goes back to get her jacket, Helena
goes back with her and tries to talk to her about
this thing between them. But Dylan's not playing.
She makes some excuse about getting caught up in her
work. And when she says "I'm straight,"
it seems like Alexandra stumbles on the line, because,
well, how ridiculous is that notion?
The
Planet, where an old computer needs fixin' —
Max is the cutest boy Billie has ever seen. Billie
asks Max whether he's taking hormones, and then says
his friend Tom can get Max some hormones without the
pesky visits to the doctor's office. Right, Max —
that'd be fucking genius. I mean, it's not like you're
trying to do something life-altering; I'm sure it's
no big deal and shouldn't really be regulated in the
first place. Stupid "big government" is
always curtailing our individual freedoms.
Flame
retardant — Shane is trying to have
a cigarette and read the paper. Can't a girl get some
peace? No, Carmen is there with a vocabulary lesson:
Carmen:
"Okay, we're talking monogamy. It is a
noun, and it is 'the condition or practice of having
a single mate during a period of time.'"
Shane: "I get it, Carmen."
Carmen: "Wait a minute,
I just want to make sure that you and I both know
what we're talking about here. Oh, listen to this:
monogamy is common among birds."
Shane: "That's great,
because I love birds."
Does
it look funny in print? Because it's pretty damn funny.
And then it gets funnier: Carmen picks up a fire extinguisher.
Shane:
"Don't."
Carmen: "Really? Don't
do it? I shouldn't do it. It's wrong. It's completely
irresponsible."
And
then she does. Frosted Fraggle!
Alice
arrives just in time to see the show: "Hey weirdos."
She stares at Shane for a few beats, and then says
(to Carmen) "Still tryin' to get her to quit
smokin'?"
Alice.
Funny, sweet, hilarious, fabulous Alice. Sarah Shahi
looks like she's about to crack up any second.
Shane
just sits back down to her paper and a new cigarette,
clearly willing to take her lumps. "Did you know
birds mate for life?" she asks Alice.
Alice
[to Carmen]: "Hey, do you know anything
about bats?"
Carmen: "Bats. Bats, bats,
bats, no."
Alice: "Too bad, because
I got bitten."
As
Alice shows Carmen the bite marks on her neck, we
get that great psycho screechy horror film sound again.
Alice:
"Okay, but don't laugh, because I could
really be one of the undead. In like two days."
Carmen: "Al."
Alice: "Do my eyes look
a little black? I'm serious."
Carmen: "No. Come on,
Al, you got embraced."
Alice: "I sure did."
Carmen: "No, it's called
a vampire's embrace. There's like these lesbian
vampire goth cults. So what they do is they pick
a victim, they like take them home, seduce them,
fuck them blind..."
Alice: "You don't even
know."
Carmen: "... and then
they bite your neck."
Alice: "It was the best
sex I've ever had. In my whole life. I came like
9,000 times. Did you hear that, Shane? Nine thousand
orgasms."
Shane: [deadpan] "That's
fantastic, Alice."
Alice
wants to know whether Carmen and Shane are going to
the Sleater-Kinney show. If they're not, can I have
their tickets?
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