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Wax — Carmen is DJing for "the Def Jam guys." They're impressed, and they're also flirting with her, and she's flirting right back. Shane's not impressed with that part.

Alice is there with Uta (who's looking great), and Moira (sorry, I mean Max) and Jenny are dancing, or rather, engaging in foreplay on the dance floor. "She's packing. She's packing," says Alice, in a hilarious "I know all the cool lingo" sort of way.

Shane: "Oh yeah, she's going for it. That's great."

Read that again, but in the most dead-pan way you can manage — that's how Shane says it. I nearly choke on my green tea.

And you know, I really do think Max is sorta cute sometimes, but Max and Jenny together? It's not working. Not yet anyway. And it's not (or not just) because Jenny's hair is confusing me. Perhaps it's not hair, but a small animal that keeps shifting around on her head?

Uta and Alice decide to dance too, but it's considerably hotter. And funnier, when Uta bites Alice's neck and freaks Alice out. Alice signals to Helena, who's been watching and smiling and waggling her eyebrows. They meet up by the bar.

Alice: "Helena, I think Uta might be a vampire."
Helena: "What?"
Alice: "Well, have you seen her teeth? They're..."
Helena: "What?"
Alice: "They're sharp. They're, well..."

Alice shows Helena where Uta bit her, but Helena says "It's a hickey." Alice isn't so sure, so Helena offers her a compact: "You know what they say about vampires: no reflection."

Uta glides over (vampires glide, you know) so Alice turns her back to her, pretending to check her teeth and aiming the mirror over her shoulder. But Uta bends down to pick something up just as Alice turns around, so Alice sees no reflection. "Holy fuckin' shit."

Uta smiles. "Oh, I dropped my ring. Why don't we get out of here?"

Alice agrees, squinting suspiciously as she follows.

Another epiphany — Bette's home. Tina's still unfriendly: "How was the meditation group? Did you have an epiphany or something?" Or something, yeah.

Bette (who is nearly bursting out of her green bra) says Julia told her about a couples retreat. Tina doesn't know when she'd find the time.

Bette: "She also told me that I'm on a short list of candidates to head the Whitney."
Tina: "The Whitney? That's incredible. How did that happen?"
Bette: "What do you mean, how did that happen? Some people actually think that I'm qualified."
Tina: "I didn't mean to imply that you aren't qualified. I just thought that you said that you didn't want to take another museum position."
Bette: "It's the Whitney. It's pretty hard to dismiss."
Tina: "Wow."
Bette: "I mean, we'd have to move to New York."
Tina: "We?"
Bette: "Well, if I took the post, if they offered it to me..."
Tina: "Bette, I have a job here. A job I love. It probably pays more than a museum position."
Bette: "So, um, you're saying that if I were named the director of the Whitney, you wouldn't move to New York?"
Tina: "I'd have to think about it. I like my life here."

Bette, I'd move to New York if you were named the Head Cleaning Lady of the Whitney. Or the Whitney of the Whitney. Or, you know, even the Britney of the Whitney. Maybe.

Bette doesn't know what to think, so she just stands and waits.

Wax — Shane starts to think about confronting flirty Carmen, but turns and leaves instead. Yes, it really was that short of a scene.

The dark side — A naked Alice calls Helena to tell her how incredible Uta is. "I didn't think I was ever gonna have sex like this again. It's like she has unbelievable stamina. I don't know if I can keep up with her."

She tells Helena about Uta's "teaching certificate," which appears to be from somewhere called Dartmill University. What's that: a cross between Dartmouth and Bushmill's?

I think Alice is asking Helena for general advice about vampires, but I'm a little distracted by her general toplessness. Helena recites her the standard lore while Alice paces with a sheet tied around her waist, tapping the walls and looking for signs of the undead.

One of the supposed signs is "stronger than their bodies might suggest," so when Uta comes back with "red wine" from the "cellar" and literally lifts Alice higher, Alice is of course suspicious. But then she's soon hanging by her wrists as Uta devours her (metaphorically) and the music gets all hilariously psychedelically vampirey soft-porny. And then suddenly Alice sees a mirror, and the "teaching license" in it, and guess what Uta Refson is backwards?

At first Alice starts to freak out again, but Uta has been kissing and fondling her, as vampires will, so Alice says "What the fuck" and devours Uta right back. Have I mentioned that Leisha has a luscious-looking mouth?

A harsh juxtaposition — Dana stands in front of Lara, takes her shirt off, and says "please." And cries as Lara makes love to her. Again, no music, no poltergeist, just people, and it's just perfect.

Darker and darker — Tina finally tells Bette she's got something to tell her. Bette can only say "what?" with that kind of breathlessness that life-changing events tend to induce.

Tina: "I fucked DaddyOf2. On the Internet. I fucked him. I only did it once."
Bette: "Then why are you telling me?"
Tina: "Because I just have all these feelings that I don't know what to do with. And they're just so fucked up. I don't know what I'm doing."
Bette: "Feelings about what?"
Tina: "Feelings about men."

And then Tina cries, and Bette does too, and Bette's face says only one thing. Not "oh god, she's straight," or "oh god, she wants men," but something bigger: "oh god, I'm losing her."

Losing themselves in each other — Shane goes to "the beach." Cherie is waiting. They stare at each other, and step toward each other, and then they go right for the fucking, in the pool, by the pool, and with a strap-on that Shane wields quite expertly. It's hot and a little bit empty and somehow almost sweet. And hot.

NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD: Carmen gets her revenge; Mange and Kit get it on; Jenny gets the news she's been waiting for; Helena and Dylan get to finish what they started; Tina gets curioser and curioser; Dana gets by with a little help from her friends.

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