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But then suddenly the scene changes, to Dana in front of the mirror, covering and smushing one breast to see what she's going to look like on the other side of surgery. It's profound, and profoundly sad.

And just like that, we're back to The Planet, where Alice and Lara are having an awkward moment (surprise). Alice is being all defensive about the speed dating, and how Dana and Lara will have a good laugh over it; Lara just mutters that Dana has bigger things on her mind.

Helena breezes by with her cell phone conspicuously displayed: she's gotta go but she wishes Alice good luck. Alice says "Helena, what the fuck?" — and we've heard that once before this season, but we could hear it a hundred more times and I'd still be grinning.

La casa de Carmen — Shane and Carmen are home. But Carmen doesn't like what she sees: a mess. So she starts shrieking: "Can you guys come clean up your fuckin' mess?" Moira stomps out to see what's up, but can only stare at Carmen in wonder. Carmen, I do understand: I'm not very good with messes either. But the shrieking? It's not cool. Shane doesn't think so either; she tries to calm Carmen down and take Jenny and Moira's side. Carmen storms off, Moira starts to clean up, and Shane stares at the ceiling, a little exasperated. Not that "exasperated" is really a Shane state of mind.

Bisexual speed dating, continued — Alice is cranky about the Lara thing and the Helena-has-better-things-to-do thing, so she doesn't seem receptive. But the other half of her speed date is perceptive:

The date: "I just realized who you are. Do you think that's a problem?"
Alice: "Well, I don't see how it could be a problem that you have great taste in radio."

It turns out Alice kind of knows her date too: Alice once referenced Jean Rollin's Les Frissons des Vampires on her show, and also mentioned an essay that The Date (whose name is Uta Refson) happened to write for a course she's teaching. What course would that be? Why, a course on the queer vampire in literature and film. She also teaches a seminar called "Demon Desire," about the vampire as lesbian predator. Clearly I'm at the wrong school.

Alice: "Okay, I'm a total vampire lesbian freak."

Me too! Um, not that I should be so eager to admit that. But I once had a thing for Pam Keesey (still do, really), and I've seen The Hunger far too many times. And, well, lots of other lesbian vampire films. But let's move on before I embarrass myself further.

Uta: "What attracts you to the lesbian vampire, Alice?"
Alice: "I don't know, Uta. Maybe it's just that I like the dark side."

Yes, that was sort of lame, but the great part was the way Alice said Uta: like oooh-duh.

So they arrange to meet for dinner, not lunch, because vampires don't go out much in the daytime. And as Uta says "We lie in bed with the curtains drawn," we hear a spooky horror film scree scree clank clank sound and Alice does that shifty-eyed thing she does so well. Oh, this is gonna be good. Bwa ha ha ha ha (and here I'm quoting my favorite vampire, The Count on Sesame Street).

An unpredictable part of town — Helena is on a dark street, where everything seems a bit dodgy, as she might say. The clothes she's wearing probably cost more than most people in that neighborhood make in a month. Make that three months. But to her credit, she doesn't seem to be feeling uneasy.

Anyway, there's Dylan (Alexandra Hedison), tossing the keys down so Helena can let herself in. So yeah, apparently that's why Helena left the speed dating thing in such a hurry: because Dylan called. And when Dylan calls, you go. Like a rolling stone. (Sorry. That was bad.)

Bedtime — It's dark. It's quiet. And then we hear this:

Bette: "Lindsey76, are you there?"

Tina says "what?" — of course. Bette says "DaddyOf2 was looking for you. He said he had a big hard-on for you." And then (also of course) Tina makes an ewwuggh noise to show her disgust and says "Internet freaks." The disgusted noise is (of course) a big sign: talk about protesting too much. I'm about as gay as they come, but I don't feel repulsed by men. I'm usually just indifferent to them.

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