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But that wouldn't facilitate any plot points, so let's trundle forth: the ping is not for Bette. Rather, it's for Lindsey76, otherwise known as late-night Tina, and it's from DaddyOf2. I'll type it out for you, shall I?

DaddyOf2: Hi Lindsey76
DaddyOf2: R U there?
DaddyOf2: I'm hard for you.
Bette-as-Lindsey76: Who the hell is this?
DaddyOf2: want me to take it out? a little pre cum sqrtng out.
Bette-as-Lindsey76: I think you have the wrong person.
DaddyOf2: dyke w/baby seeks real man for good fuck.
DaddyOf2: slide ur big cock into my blonde pussy. Lindsey.

And of course all Bette can do is slam the damn thing shut.

There's a lesson here, girls: do not, under any circumstance, share a computer with your partner. Put a password on it. Buy her one of her own. Do whatever you have to do to be master of your own domain (har har).

Oh, and if you do, for whatever crazy reason, share a computer with your partner, log the fuck out of your favorite IM program when you're not actually in front of it. In fact, just log the fuck out of everything. Did we learn nothing from the carpenter photo?

Never mind all that. I'm the first to admit that finding love online is entirely possible, but who types "sqrtng" instead of "squirting?" Also, just because it's online doesn't mean you can dispense with the foreplay.

Shaolin Studios — Tina is in a meeting. She's being charming, and so is the guy she's talking to, sort of. The word "incredible" is tossed around. If I were to say that word, I'd be tossing it at Ilene Chaiken, in a totally different way.

Tina's assistant interrupts to say "Bette's on 2." Tina says "Tell her I'll call her back." And then the charming-yet-completely-dull guy (and I'm not saying that because he's a guy; I'm saying that because he's dull) sees a picture of Tina and Angelica on the desk. He asks Tina about her husband (including asking whether he's African-American, though not in so many words) and Tina says "I don't have a husband" (in exactly that many words).

The Planet — It's bisexual speed dating night. (Admit it, that's funny enough on its own.) And Billie Blaikie is dating himself: he's half man, half woman, in that I'm-wearing-two-costumes way, and also just in that general way. And he seems to be doing the Cabaret emcee spiel, at least for a moment. That's my only complaint about Alan Cumming's stint on this show. I think he's quite sexy, and a fantastic actor, but I don't know why he has to keep recycling the Cabaret thing.

Anyway, guess who's there? Our favorite bisexual: Alice Pieszecki of The Chart, Pieszecki. And Helena's there too, but only to offer support: "I'm not even bisexual," she protests.

Alice: "Look at the world as your bisexual oyster and shut up, okay?"

That is very great on many, many levels. I could spell them out for you, but that would ruin it, okay?

Alice and Helena start the first round. Helena talks (to someone we never do see) about wanting someone who's creative, willing to take risks, has a vision, etc... while Alice talks to someone who's there with her girlfriend and looking for a sperm donor.

Alice: "I'm a little low on the sperm tonight. Little low on the sperm."

Oh Alice. I love you despite that weird shirt you're wearing.

They move on to the next table, and I dig the great loungey music. But it must give way to another kind of music: that of Angus, serenading Kit.

It's not as bad as it sounds: he's not singing the Hello song. Instead he's singing Bowie's "Changes," and I love that song (and that singer), so I'm okay with it. The rendition is not so terrible, and Alan Cumming is there to do the "Turn and face the strain." You might just be okay, Mange.

Is Mange wearing eye makeup? Gosh. Bisexual speed dating, indeed. Also, um, I kinda like the fact that Helena seems to be liking this little scene.

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