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The Planet — Kit is having trouble pronouncing "croupier," but Billie Blaikie (Alan Cumming) is there to handle everything, including Carmen the "cute" DJ and Absolut the ever-present sponsor.

Billie: "And frankly, I'm much more qualified to run this place than you are. Joking. But I guarantee that after tonight, you're gonna want me to run this joint."
Kit: "Mm hmm. We'll see, Mr. Mary P."

I want you to know that when I first typed "run this joint," it came out "runt his joint," and somehow I doubt Mr. Cumming would disapprove.

The Gay & Lesbian Center — Alice is at a group therapy session, or meeting or whatever, for obsessive types. She's talking about Lisa the lesbian man, but only as a way to explain why she's so obsessed with Dana. It seems that to Alice, men are "easy" and not dangerous. But now, unfortunately, she's at the obsessive love phase, and so am I, because Alice is way cute in her glasses.

Alice mentions that this week is her birthday, and thus it would be great if Dana would come by with a little present or "maybe kiss my eyelids." Oh, Alice. I would do that for you, but it would require taking those glasses off, and I simply couldn't.

Alice continues to share:

Alice: "I think you guys would be obsessed too, because our sex was mindblowingly unfuckingly unbelievable. And it just kind of, you know, it makes you realize that this person could be the one great true love of your life. You know? But she'll be back. She will be back. Because our love was too intense. That's all."

It doesn't sound funny when it's typed out like that, but Leisha is doing this shifty-eyed thing and guzzling Diet Coke, which adds up to hilarity. And I swear I didn't mean to establish a Diet Coke theme in this recap.

After all the sipping and sharing, Alice goes out to a waiting car — Helena's car. Helena is on the phone with her son; they're talking about the ballet. "I wish I was coming," says Helena. Well, I don't know: why don't you arrange yourself on the hood of whatever fancy car that is, and see whether Alice will help you out with that?

But Alice is a little too busy burping, which would be funny enough, and is even better when she explains "Sorry, I'm such a gross bisexual love addict right now."

Helena has brought her a surprise, whose name is Janice — and at first Alice thinks Janice is a hooker, but she's really from a cleaning service called Lez Clean Up. And she's also a big fan of The Chart, so when Alice hugs Helena to thank her, Janice joins right in.

Wait a minute: how am I suppose to cope with the fact that Helena is being nice and supportive and... human? She's like Spike with a chip in his head: it just seems wrong, and possibly lethal.

Running on empty — On the road, Jenny takes polaroids of Moira, tells her she's "so fucking beautiful," and then proceeds to go down on her.

Moira: "My girlfriend used to give me head when we drove to school."
Jenny: "Hey, lady... I'm not your ex. And I'm not your girlfriend. Got it?"

Moira doesn't care, and who would? Heading down the highway with someone's head in your lap is a fantastic experience. Unfortunately, Jenny and Moira have run out of gas, and I don't mean that metaphorically. But Moira tells Jenny to keep going: "don't blue-ball me." Um.

Cleaning up — Janice the lesbian cleaning lady wants to know what to do with Dana. As in Dana the cardboard standie, and Dana the shrine.

Janice: "Alice, what do you want me to do with this Dana thing?"
Helena: "Alice is in the loo. What Dana thing?"

And then Helena sees the shrine, and is of course stunned. She hollers for Alice. Alice saunters out with a spliff and says "What the fuck, Helena?" in a way that just makes me adore her more.

Alice insists that the shrine is no biggie, but Helena says it's bordering on psychotic and serial killer. Come on. How many serial killers wear such cute glasses?

Janice gets a box so she can dismantle the shrine, but Alice says "not that box." And why not? Because that box contains a pink bondage hood, which Alice promptly puts on. It's really more than I can describe, especially when Helena puts the flap over Alice's mouth and tells her to just listen. Damn you, Helena: how dare you make me like you like this! But I suppose I was a fool to think I could resist the accent forever.

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