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The L Word: recaps: Episode 3.1 "Labia Majora" (page 7)
by Scribe Grrrl

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So Jenny does her usual speechifying:

Jenny: "You've wanted me out of the house from the moment I set foot in here. What is it, Warren? Am I too fucked up for you? Am I too perverted? Look at me. Do I remind you of how messy and out of control your life is? Warren... I'm just not the girl you wanted me to be."
Jenny's mom: "Jennifer, stop."
Jenny: "No, you stop. When are you gonna start being an actual person and not this silent slave to this man?"
Warren: "Don't you dare disrespect your mother."
Jenny: "That's a privilege that's reserved for you."
Warren: "Well, I -- don't know what more we can do."
Jenny: "Nothing. There's nothing more you can do for me to make me the person that you are comfortable with. Because I'm not gonna marry that nice Jewish boy. I'm not gonna have those nice Jewish kids. I'm not gonna shut up and be subservient. I'm not gonna set the dinner table and pretend that bad things don't happen. Because when you don't talk about them, they get worse, Warren."

While this is going on, we get a glimpse of Moira, who looks like she's wondering whether she has enough change to buy a Big Mac on the way home. And then there's Margot Kidder's reaction to Jenny's little speech, which is something along the lines of "Why the hell did I take this role? I was better off when I was shit-faced in the gutter!"

It's good to stand up for yourself. Really. But drama for drama's sake? Not so good. Let me translate Jenny's little speech for you:

Jenny: "Me me me me ME, me me me. Warren. Oh, and also ME, and feminist ME, and me me me me me and knee-jerk ME, Warren, and blame-assigning ME, and me me me. Oh, and me. Warren. And Moira over there as she relates to me. And also, me, and finally, ME."

Jenny's mom stops her on the way out, and sits on the front steps with her for a bit. She finally acknowledges that bad stuff happened to Jenny when she was a kid, which is cool even if it is kinda late. And she apologizes for not being there, which is perhaps a sign that she might turn out to be a decent listener after all, that is, if there weren't so much me me me me me going on all the time.

So jealous — Just how jealous is Alice? Jealous enough to have a Dana shrine in the house: pictures and candles and a cardboard standie thingie. Aww, Alice. I have a Xena standie, but that's because she scares me a little and makes me get my work done.

The real earth mother — David continues to ask Kit about her symptoms.

David: "What about vaginal dryness?"
Kit: "What?"
David: "I'm sorry, mom, but it's important that I ascertain these things."
Kit: "Oh, no no no. We do not go there. I am your mother, and you are my son. And my punani, dry or not dry, is something we do not discuss."

Kit, you still rule.

The planet — Back to the euphemism chit-chat. This time Alice is there but Dana and Lara aren't, just to balance out the earlier scene, I guess. How long must we suffer?

Tina says she has a friend in England who calls it "front bottom." Well, that's kinda silly, but it's not the term, it's the technique — and they're better at it over there.

Bette: "You know what's really lovely? Yoni. It's sanskrit."
Alice: "No, I like a non-sanskrit trashy thing, like tongue-trap."

And the irreverent litany continues, especially when Kit shows up to tell them all "I got menopause." Actually, then it becomes a slew of slang for sex. And it all rocks!

Here's everything, for your edification: Burnt curtains, wiff-waff, clit, cunt, pussy, beaver, twat, down there, nether regions, private parts, naughty bits, no-no, lady parts, it, peeper, punani, front-bottom, pretty pink pearl, yoni, tongue-trap, bald man in a boat, breakfast of champions, munchbox, wee wee, ha ha, hoo hoo, mimi, fuckhole, calcunta. Get a hot beef injection, dip the chip, bang the box, sweep out the chimney, stretch that leather, bump the uglies, dip and dive, shake the sheets, crack the nut, get some skank on the hang-low, ride the baloney pony, give that dog a bone, shuck the oyster, put some beef in yo' taco, ride that beef bus to tuna town. The lips between the hips, furry monkey, smurf crease, bearded oyster, bikini biscuit, cooter, cherry pie, cat flaps, cha-cha, hairy goblet, grand canyon, fish taco, cream collector, goodie bag, box of assorted creams, honey pot, dugout, love mitten, mermaid's purse, skeeky/skeezy, pink velvet sausage wallet, nonny, ham wallet, coochie, sweet spot, power slot, foo-foo valve, pork shutters, bermuda triangle, grab hole, squeegee, vertical smile, vessel tube, monkey's chin, chewbacca, panty hamster, roast beef sandwich, camel toe.

Kit: "Camel toe — oh, that's so generic."

NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD: Alan Cumming classes up the joint; Alice acknowledges her obsession; Bette just wants to be a mama; Moira defies roles.

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