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The circle of ambitious parents — Tina and Bette hand out invitations to Angelica's half-birthday party. Aww. Tina invites the guy who snagged the triangle toy, which displeases Bette because the guy is so straight, and by that she means square (despite the triangle) and suburban.

Tina: "I grew up in the suburbs. The suburbs aren't that terrible. Why does everybody have to be a hipster?"

Ooooh. She's got you pegged, Bette: you're a hipster and an elitist and a heterophobe. Or at least that might be you this season, because we all know that whatever you've been before now doesn't count. Not when there are plot points to push.

Bette decides to let it go and asks the guitar player guy, Angus, whether he'd like to play at Angelica's little party. Angus tries to be funny and sweet, not realizing that Bette and Tina are too focused on their own worries and angst to allow that kind of ordinary good-natured stuff into their lives. Holy hell, did I just prefer an average straight guy to the über couple? Perhaps I should ask David to order some blood work for me too.

Tarot cards for the two-dimensional — Helena is getting a reading.

The reader: "I am power and beauty, emanating the warmth of the sun through a heart as deep as the ocean."
Helena: "Are you sure it's not pockets as deep as the ocean?"

Helena. Did you just mock yourself? Oh, wait: you were probably just bragging again. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to like you.

The reader figures lots of things out, like the fact that Helena has just purchased a movie studio, and also says that Helena's next romance will be with a brunette bisexual woman who drives a blue car. "She is going to stand back-to-back with you, and then face-to-face." Whatever that means.

More therapy — Bette and Tina are getting some sex therapy. The sexpert, Dr. Farber (Kate Clinton), right away takes them to task for calling each other "Mama T" and "Mama B." Yeah, that doesn't exactly scream "tie me to the bed and make me yours."

The sexpert recommends some sensate exercises in which Tina is naked and blindfolded. Tina doesn't like the idea, because she thinks her post-pregnancy body is unattractive. Have you passed a mirror lately? And by the way, you seem to have a cold, and it's making your voice rather sexy. Say something provocative, like "Bette and I fucked for four days solid when I moved back in." Please?

Bette thinks Tina is still punishing her for the Candace dalliance. Probably not, but even if she were, do you not deserve it maybe just a little itty bitty bit?

Dr. Farber tries to take a different tack: she recommends "the lover's paintbox," which is "high quality chocolate" and elicits coy little grins from Tina and Bette. I can definitely recommend the chocolate body paint, if you've got an extra set of sheets and don't mind the sticky stretchy feel of sugar drying on your skin. But to Tina, it's too expensive. What? $33.95 is too much for some sweet sexy fun? How much is this appointment costing you, exactly?

Dr. Farber also recommends an ice cube kit; you let the ice melt in your mouth and "let a little water drip on her clit, on her nipples... because really, one of the big problems of lesbian sexual dysfunction is aversion to oral stimulation."

Bette seems to give Tina a look like "You know she's right," and Tina gives her a fierce look and an eye-roll in reply. It's cute and funny. But the mere notion is appalling: anyone who is averse to oral stimulation when Bette Porter is in the room should really get the hell out of my way.

Bette and Tina continue to give each other hilarious glances, especially when the sexpert puts on a clown nose, because "a little levity is always good." But Dr. Farber's not laughing when Bette and Tina reveal that they're practicing "attachment parenting," and thus don't put baby Angelica down if they can help it. Yeah, I'm sure that has nothing to do with any problems in the bedroom. Just like my tendency to lean a little closer to the TV has nothing to do with Jennifer Beals being on the screen.

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