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The lez boat — Hey, it's Shawn Colvin! She's fabulous live. Pure brilliance. I wish the camera would quit wandering through the crowd; I just wanna watch Shawn.

As Ms. Colvin finishes up, Shane and Sparkly Sexpert leave, and Alice suggests the same thing to Dana: "Captain Stubing, what are we gonna do about this big hard-on you've been sporting all night?" Dana thinks it's rude to just leave. But Alice is pretty irresistible, especially when she turns up the Julie charm.

I'd like to change my order — At the dinner, Tina keeps looking over at Bette's table, where Bette is charming and impressing everyone. Torie Osborn is at the table, which I suppose is sort of cool.

Interruptus — Julie and Captain Stubing are finally raising the periscope.

Dana: "I just hope my wife Marion Ross doesn't find out about us."
Alice: "No, Marion Ross was the actress. The character's name was Emily."

I have two questions: (1) how funny is it that Alice feels the need to play Love Boat trivia at a time like this? and (2) did I just not see the lube or did they skip the lube? Yeesh.

Dana's saying "oh god" in a way that is becoming less and less sexy, and then turns into "oh no." "Ow!" says Alice, as Dana runs to the loo with her hand over her mouth.

Alice: [sighing] "Okay, I'm coming, baby, I'm coming."

Not the sort of coming she hoped to be doing, of course.

An exotic night — In Sparkle the Sexpert's room, Shane takes her usual position.

Sexpert: "You trying to top me?"
Shane: "What, you think you're gonna top me?"

Touché. Or not — they both decide they're kinda tired and not quite in the mood for the amazing sex they're supposed to be having. And Shane doesn't really wanna go back to Jenny's three-way fantasy, so she'd rather crash on the sexpert's couch. Ms. Sparkle asks Shane not to tell anybody about their un-sexy evening. Oh, the pressures of being a sexpert.

Back in weirdville, Jenny can't quite bring herself to touch Carmen, who's sleeping peacefully. Weirdville.

The Planet — Melvin excuses himself during dinner again, but this time he collapses. Benjamin catches him, so I guess now we know that Benjamin's good to have around in one situation, then.

Tina's moment to shine — Bette gets the news about Melvin and has to leave. As Tina goes up to be honored and adored, she looks towards Bette's table for the only adoration she's truly interested in. Awww.

Back in L.A. — Jenny, Carmen, and Shane arrive home to see Mark taking down the cameras. He's got a speech all prepared, so he gives it; everybody's stunned and unhappy and awkward. Well, except Jenny, who's still sort of trying to have her own little show. She gives Carmen the "Shane/Carmen love confession" tape, which Carmen then pushes into Mark's chest, knocking him backward a teeny bit but not nearly enough. Shane looks stunned.

Carmen follows Jenny to her room and insists that she wants to be with her:

Carmen: "If you heard this tape or this conversation, then you know exactly what I said. And I said that it is fun and easy to be with you. That I want to make it work with you."
Jenny: "It's okay... that we're not meant to be together. And I know that the only reason you're with me is because you want to be near Shane."

Carmen says that's bullshit, but Jenny's trying to be serious: she says Shane is her best friend and she doesn't want to fuck it up. Well, okay: so she's sort of choosing friendship over fake relationships? That's kinda cool, even if I'm not quite sure how anyone can resist Carmen's "please forgive me" eyes.

Tense, or maybe just tired — Shane and Mark just kind of stare at each other. Shane is obviously kind of heartbroken. She smacks Mark with one of the cameras and then throws the camera. I guess it's supposed to be dramatic, especially since the credits roll all of a sudden — as if someone accidentally hollered CUT! too soon.

But, well, I don't feel like I've been watching something dramatic or tense or whatever... I just feel a bit sleepy. I think I'll go crash on the sexpert's couch.

NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD: Dana and Alice continue to follow their libidos; Dana's brother proves he's not narrow and maybe not even straight; Shane doesn't want to lose her happy Jenny home; Melvin's prognosis is not good.

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