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Security — Carmen is hanging on Jenny just like that curtainy cape. I don't know why I find it kind of cute. Meanwhile, you gotta love the song in the background: Big Ten Inch (but the Bull Moose Jackson version, I think).

Dana is concerned about her carry-on — and yep, just as the background music is hinting, there's something suspicious in it. The baggage handler dude calls a co-worker over and points to the outline of the dildo on the X-ray screen: "Is it some kind of weapon?"

So out comes the strap-on. Carmen gasps and Jenny says "I like the sound of that." Shane just leers. Alice grabs it and illustrates where it goes in an effort to get the baggage guy to shut the hell up. But then the other screener finds a pair of nipple clamps. Alice acts like everyone should know what they are, but then nudges Dana: "When did you get those? Baby!"

The somewhat dykey looking baggage screener (who seemed to enjoy wanding Shane earlier) says "You can't take these on the plane, ladies. You should know better than that," and pockets the clamps. Dana looks at her like, "You have no idea how good that would have been." File a lawsuit, Dana! She should have at least given you the option of getting them mailed back to you later. Besides, are nipple clamps on the TSA list of prohibited items? No. I don't even see "chains" there. But then I forgive the screener, as she winks at Alice and says "have fun."

Let me pause for a moment to say that I would not have expected Dana to select such a "realistic" dildo. I thought maybe she'd go for the disco glitter variety.

Allegory of Fortune — Melvin, Bette, and Allyn are looking at a Dosso Dossi and talking about mercenary Christianity. Well, Allyn and Melvin are talking; Bette is sort of the tennis ball in between them.

After the verbal battle, Bette finds Melvin wandering around, not sure where to go, and then asks him about Mom:

Bette: "Daddy, if you loved her so much, then why did you let her leave? Why didn't you try to salvage the marriage?"
Melvin: "You wouldn't understand."
Bette: "Give me a chance."
Melvin: "You would have had to have experienced that bond of marriage to appreciate how much I hurt your mother."

Yow. Bette thinks she might be able to understand, but starts talking about dinner instead. Melvin would rather eat at the hotel, and would like to invite Kit and her boyfriend. Bette finds it interesting that Melvin would invite T.O.E. man but not Tina. She says she's "struck" by this fact. I'd say "pissed off" is a better term. She tells Melvin that she and Tina have split up.

Melvin: "Well, then, I don't know what I'm supposed to say."
Bette: "Nothing. You're not supposed to say anything."

All aboard — This music works for me: Kate Pierson singing "We're all gettin' down on the lez boat." Yeah, okay. But it's really an Olivia cruise, which just isn't quite as cool as Kate Pierson's voice. I'm not going to provide a link to Olivia because they're already getting too much damn publicity from this show.

Alice notices Phoebe Sparkle the sexpert (her name is a nod to Annie Sprinkle, I presume) and is all impressed. She tells Dana to shush:

Alice: "Wait, I wanna watch and see if she makes that girl come."
Dana: "Can she do that?"
Alice: "I'm kidding, Dana."

It's cuter than it sounds.

But okay, this whole cruise thing is kind of a yawn. Dana gets mobbed by fans, which gives Alice the chance to talk to some of the ship's crew about something we're not supposed to know yet. But they're nice to her, because who wouldn't be nice to Alice?

How convenient — Carmen, Shane, and Jenny thought they had a suite, but they have one bed. Jenny suggests that they all sleep together and Carmen sleep in the middle. Then Jenny goes off to "explore."

Shane: "Even for Jenny, she's acting weird."

Word! I mean, weird!

Dana and Alice, meanwhile, do have a suite, and flowers from Olivia cruises. Again, I yawn.

A panel — Dana is on a panel, along with the sexpert and some other people. Someone in the crowd asks about polyamory, which the sexpert thinks is workable as long as you're prepared for the jealousy. Then someone stands up and asks Dana to marry her.

Dana: "I'm in one of those committed relationships, and we're not polyamorphic, or whatever it is."
Sparkle the sexpert: "Well, that also works, but I'm guessing that Dana and her partner know how to spice things up."

In the crowd, Alice salutes. Ha!

There's time for one more question, so Jenny asks for advice on three-ways. Yippee. The sexpert says they're fine if all three of you have the same agenda. I don't know what Jenny's agenda is, but I'm pretty sure it's hers and hers alone.

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