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A mansion — Helena is looking at something that might be called a house but is more like a waste of space and a behemoth of conspicuous consumption. Helena makes a show of kissing Tina in front of the real estate agent. Yawn. Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you. (© Monty Python)

The love nest — Dana is doing curls, but I think she's doing them with about 10 pounds. Are we supposed to think it's 20? I doubt it: that dumbbell looks like something I could juggle. But Dana's struggling and flexing her teeny biceps — but it's cute anyway.

Alice, meanwhile, is using her "radio voice" to talk about consumerism. Dana critiques as Alice babbles on:

Dana: "What are you doing to your voice?"
Alice: "It's my radio commentator voice. You have to have one."

I love the way they look at each other as if to say, "Who are you and why do you have two heads?" Hello, A.M. Homes.

Back in ostentationland — Helena thinks the house is amusing. Tina says "Could you live like this?" in a way that makes it clear that she couldn't. Helena decides to test out a table: they proceed to have sex, or to begin to, until the real estate agent interrupts.

The pain of Shane — Shane is trying to leave. She's wearing my shoes. Converse is cool, except for when your feet are sweaty and your shoes make fart noises while you walk through the library. Huh? No, that's never happened to me.

Mark stops Shane to ask how she's doing. Yeah, he's far too fond of her. It's the shoes.

Inside the studio, Gomey's trying to find something interesting. He sees the footage of Mark staring at Shane staring at herself, and realizes that Mark really digs Shane. So Mark throws him out. Yay! Okay, for those 40 seconds, I liked Mark just fine.

The C.A.C. would like you to bend over and grab your ankles — Leo and Franklin barge into Bette's office to announce that Helena will be joining the steering committee. I don't think I can describe the incredulous way Bette says "what?" It gets worse: some hot shot artist (Allyn Barnes) might do a retrospective at the C.A.C., and of course Bette wants to be involved. Franklin says it's more Leo's area of expertise, and they leave.

Bette sighs and reaches for the bottom drawer. I expect to see a flask or a cigarette, but instead it's a candy bar or protein bar or something, which she chomps with a pouty look on her face.

What? Is she eating her pain? Where did the smokes and martinis go? They were much more attractive than this. And we already understood that she's desperate and struggling: next time why don't you actually make her wear the hair shirt?

If I were a rich bitch — Helena and Tina are in a posh beach house. Why do all of the real estate agents look like agents from the matrix?

Helena's phone rings. She's soon screaming into it, so Tina hurries the agent down to the kitchen. But as they make their way down the spiral staircase, Helena hangs up the phone and asks Tina whether she likes the house. Tina calls it spectacular, so Helena snatches it up on the spot. Helena knows a lot about snatching.

Bette's house — Winnie's at the door, with her kids. Bette wasn't expecting the latter. Wilson runs right over to what look like big jars but are really "a Richard Prince." Bette looks like she might know how to be a mom: she's firm but kind, and doesn't talk down to the kid. And when she suggests that they go swimming, she wins big points.

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