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Mark's computer — Mark is watching Shane stare at herself in the mirror. It's sort of interesting — not to mention reflexive to the point of lunacy (meta-narcissistic?) — but I can't pay attention because the writer credit is rolling: A.M. Homes is in the hizzouse. I have first editions of all of her novels, and I hyperventilated several years ago at a reading of The End of Alice. So don't expect me to do anything but gush. Okay, not literally. That's Dana's territory — not that we'd know from this season.

By the way, A.M. Homes's book The Safety of Objects was later made into a film, directed by none other than Rose Troche. Alice's chart has so many applications.

The Planet — Bette is waiting for Tina. They are both smiley, and Bette has ordered tea for Tina, who says "Thank you, that's nice." Bette is constantly gauging Tina's reactions and mood (and perhaps the hugeness of her stomach, and her very lovely face).

Bette reveals that she has spoken to Dan Foxworthy and is thinking about going back to therapy.

Tina: "Oh, I don't know about therapy. I think we should just focus on the baby."
Bette: "Oh, not for us. I... I was thinking about going to see him myself."

Tina says that's great, and even though I don't like the way she says "it'll be good for you," I kinda agree.

They're so nervous.

Bette: "Can I just say one thing?"
Tina: "You can say anything you want."
Bette: "No, I can't. I mean, you've made it very clear that you don't exactly want to hear what I have to say right now, and that's fine. But I... I um... I never got to say how happy I am for you... for us."

And this makes Tina do that little "come hither" thing she does with her eyebrows. She's glad Bette is happy, and says it's really Bette's happiness too. She leans forward and says they should focus on being really good parents — "It'll be a new kind of partnership for us." Bette looks like she thinks maybe the old kind of partnership was okay too, but she raises her teacup to the new one.

A sidewalk — Carmen has dolphins on her shirt. Okay, but please don't start talking about manatees. Instead, Jenny is talking about Charlotte Birch and all the challenges she offers. Carmen clues right in:

Carmen: "I think you have a crush on her."
Jenny: [too quickly] "No I don't."
Carmen: "I think you do, and I think it's totally okay, and I think that you are allowed to have a crush on your teacher. And you know what? I think you should go for it. Totally go for it."
Jenny: "Fuck you."
Carmen: "What? [pause] You want me to be jealous?"

Jenny nods, so Carmen kisses her, and I think Sarah Shahi is probably the second best kisser on the show (after Alice, of course). And I think Mia keeps slipping Sarah a little tongue. But, again, who wouldn't?

Carmen: "Well, if you think about fucking her, I will kill you."

The teacups of love — Tina and Bette are talking about Tina's next sonogram. Bette wants to be there. Tina still has the "you're saying everything right face" when Ms. Everything Wrong shows up.

Helena says "we're real estate hunting," but Tina takes herself out of it and says Helena's looking to rent a house.

Helena: "The Chateau Marmont is getting so tedious. I mean, I can't walk from one end of the lobby to the other without being offered to do blow or finance four independent films starring Maggie Gyllenhaal."
Bette: "All totally unsolicited, I'm sure."

Snort! But as Tina leaves, Bette's sad face makes me sad too.

A meeting — Mark and Gomey are pitching their "movie." The pitchee says he wants to be able to smell and taste the pussy. Why did I just type that?

Mark is hesitating, having somehow managed to see the humans behind the pussies. Oh, fine, so Mark isn't a complete asshole. But 99% is close enough. Gomey, on the other hand, tips the scales at about 250%.

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