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Now that's what I call music — Pat Benatar is singing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" as Alice helps Tina unpack and decorate her new apartment. Why is Tina wearing that scary flowery shirt? Anyway. Alice cranks up the music and plays air guitar, while Tina plays drums. Alice hops up on the couch — "Tina! Hello? I'm doin' the solo," because she knows how to rock. She jumps off and crashes to the floor and I giggle so much, I almost miss Helena the Viper sauntering in.

Alice sees Helena first, and stops cold, because it's obvious that Helena is already thoroughly unimpressed with this adolescent behavior. Tina, who was having a great time, gets embarrassed when she sees Helena.

Helena: "I did ring the bell, but I guess you couldn't hear me over the cacophony."

Hello? Helena, meet Pat Benatar: trained to be an opera singer, born to rock, and not a cacophony in any sense of the word. In other words, why don't you piss off, as they say in the melodious classist dentist-deficient country of your birth, or at least of your accent.

Helena: "I was just on my way to brunch and thought I'd drop off this paperwork. Now the Headquarters for Social Justice has money in the bank."
Alice: [with sarcasm beyond all imagination] "Wow! Where do I sign up? Hi."

Helena just sort of smirks at Alice, and does not introduce herself, and Tina doesn't introduce Alice either, which annoys me. I guess her old friends aren't good enough for her new predators.

Helena wanders off, muttering something about Thursday. Alice wants to know what that means, so Tina mutters something about a Peabody dinner — but while she does so, she sits down on the couch, and it makes a noise that almost sounds like a fart. Has the poltergeist followed Tina to her new abode? Nah: if the poltergeist were a farting burping prankster poltergeist, we'd all be having a lot more fun.

Tina: "I can't believe she saw me like this."
Alice: "Like what? Like a pregnant woman at home doing normal things in her apartment? Like a normal person who doesn't look like she was always dressed personally by Yves St. Laurent?"
Tina: "I think I've put her off. Did you see the way she looked at me?"
Alice: "Yeah. I did. It was a little bit scary. [pause] Are you sleeping with her?"
Tina: "No! No, I haven't."

The way she says "No, I haven't" sounds just like Randy Dean in The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love, when she tells Evie that she's never had sex before. But it's not as sweet or as cute or any of that.

Alice pelts Tina with pillows as Tina continues to protest. Tina concludes with a "Besides, she's not even interested in me," to which Alice can only say, "Ha."

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