THIS WEEK'S L WORD VOCABULARY:

• Lame: The perfect "L" word for the pervy moronic intrusive videocamera storyline.
• Compunction: The junction of "come home" and "fuck off."
• Toasts: Confessions disguised as blessings.
• Helena: Rhymes with snake. It doesn't? Just wait.
• Forgiveness: What Bette craves, but may not really comprehend.

THIS WEEK'S GUEST-BIANS: Camryn Manheim tells Shane to heel; Charles S. Dutton begins to wonder why he took this role.

Stairwell porn — Mark's buddy Gomey (you haven't forgotten those two fascinating creatures already, have you?) is a security guard. His favorite part of the job is watching the security camera monitors. Today he gets to see two people fucking, and even though there's absolutely nothing hot about it, Gomey calls Mark to share his excitement. The whole thing reminds me of some of the crappier preludes from last season (like the Buckley daughter porn and the restaurant manager jerk-off), and I really didn't need to be reminded of those.

The theme song — Remember when I threatened to write new lyrics for the theme song? Well, here's my first attempt:

Girls with no talent
Whose ears must need cleaning

Chicks singing flat
Stupid words have no meaning

Women who watch this show
Don't like the theme

That is the reason
The reason we scream

Groaning, moaning, sighing, scowling
Cringing, begging, shrieking, howling
Crying, sobbing, wailing, weeping
Choking, fainting, dying

Betty's the reason
The reason we scream

They're the reason we scream
They suck!!!!!!!!

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