• Hot: A word that can't even begin to touch Carmen.
• Misery: Its name is Bette. And it loves company, but company is scared of it.
• Ton Ton: An unspeakable (and hilarious) horror.
• House rules: What Shane has. No matter what she says to the contrary.

THIS WEEK'S GUEST-BIANS: Jane Lynch out-toxifies Tonya; Sandra Bernhard blinks; Betty does... well, whatever Betty does.

Alice's toxic dream — The caption says "Present day — in your wildest dreams." This is not my "wildest dream." I mean, yes, Alice is in my wildest dream, but she's not typing, and she's certainly not feeling uncertain or afraid, and I'm probably not facing her. Well, that part depends on whether Bette is there too, because I know I'm not facing Bette. Okay. Now that I've managed to make myself blush, I'll tell you what's on the screen.

Alice is in a jungle, with her laptop, and she's typing, over and over, this:

Dana is a friend of mine, she will do it anytime. For a nickel or a dime, 50 cents for overtime. Down the cellar she will go, she will strip from head to toe.

That's kinda creepy, Alice. Oh, but not compared to what happens next: there's Tonya in full jungle woman mode. Um, hello: does she look kinda good, or have I been poisoned? Meredith McGeachie cracked me up last week, so I guess I still have some fond feelings left. Anyway, she grabs Alice's shoulder, and Alice breathes/chokes "Tonya!" in the most hilarious away. Tonya calls Alice a "bad, bad girl," and all Alice can do is stare at Tonya's considerable cleavage.

Alice looks terrified, but she begins to unwrap Tonya, which elicits this response:

Tonya: "That's right. If you're gonna play, you don't play without the Ton Ton."

And then the Ton Ton grabs poor defenseless Alice and kisses the life out of her. Dana comes into focus in the background, but the Ton Ton doesn't care...she's more interested in what's for lunch. And that would be Alice. But wait, the one who's about to partake of the feast is not Ton Ton — it's Dana, who is kneeling down and saying she's "starving" and also looking waaaay too much like the Ton Ton. And I thought Japanese horror films were scary! I think I've just shrieked.

Suddenly Alice wakes up (thank god) and clutches her lunch to make sure it's still there. Maybe she's just clutching the blanket, but I know I'd be checking for missing body parts if I'd had that dream.

Page 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 - Next