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The C.A.C. of Remorse — Bette's assistant (is that the same guy, but with a cold?) is trying to help Bette find a place for Tina to stay until she comes back home. There's this giant black-and-blue painting of repentance behind Bette: it says "SO SORRY SO VERY SORRY" and it's not a bit subtle, but I like it anyway. I think maybe I want one for my kitchen, because that's where I tend to have the most mishaps. Anyway, Bette is all bitchy and snappy and not happy with anything, because she wants to treat Tina right and simultaneously wants everybody to go to hell. Yeah, it's okay, Bette: c'mere. You're incredibly tense and I need to sink my fingers into that neck right about now. You know, for therapeutic purposes only.

Bette's lawyer interrupts, to break the news about Joyce "The Lacerator" Wischnia. It's all getting a bit too real for Bette.

Hot for teacher — Charlotte Birch (Sandra Bernhard) is writing on the board. Can you believe how gorgeous she is? I can't. I saw her at a show several years ago — opening for The Pretenders, of all things — and had a foolish happy grin on my face the whole time. Anyway, she's playing a creative writing instructor, and her favorite students so far are a guy who wrote about violin making (hmm, Kate Moennig knows a bit about that) and another guy whose godfather is Edward Albee. Oh, wow, Albee: the genius of our time. Seeing Sally Field in The Goat was a life-changer for me, but I think I've already mentioned that in these recaps and thus would probably never be accepted into this writing class. Charlotte, in her strutty way, is asking her wannabe classmates to write for twenty minutes about "the hunter and the hunted." But before they do that, she's dressing them down, especially Jenny:

Charlotte: "Where is Sarah Shuster?"
Jenny: "Jenny Schecter, actually."
Charlotte: "Jenny Schecter, Sarah Shuster... well, well. Ms. Schecter has written a story called Thus Spoke Sarah Shuster."
Jenny: "Uh, yes... I, I realize that it's arrogant."
Charlotte: "Oh, arrogant is fine. Hubristic, overly precious bad puns are to be avoided. Especially if someone wants to be accepted into my class."

Word wordy snorty snort! Oh, please, Ms. Birch: keep me after class to clean the chalkboards.

But of course Ms. Schecter takes it as a challenge, and scribbles some glop of tripe during the twenty-minute writing exercise (why do we have to see the poorly edited black-and-white pretentious re-enactment of her thoughts?). Jenny also thinks she shouldn't have to put down her pen after twenty minutes — never mind that everyone else does. When Jenny finally concedes, Ms. Birch says "That's right," as if it's the only sane thing Jenny could ever do with a pen. Or maybe that was just me.