SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 09:

• If it’s neither conspiratorial nor intriguing, is it still a cabal?
• Eliza seethes.
• Bacon or Babe, Pig On The Island?
• Sarge seethes.
• Puzzle or fire?
• Sarge seethes.
• I’m bored.

Previously on Survivor – Rory complained.


Alinta, Night 21 – The men realize that this is, indeed, “women against men” and are shocked because they were playing it as men against women – and that’s different.


Day 22 – Lea is hurt because he thought Twila could be trusted and he’s crushed to realize that the Legs of Shelter didn’t buy his way into the women’s alliance.  Also?  He really, really wishes Scout would stop that infernal singing she’s doing.  Hang on – no, that’s me.


Reward Challenge – True or false: the rewards bite.  And they come with cubes.  And fire.  And coconuts.  And skulls.  Because cannibalism?  It’s the new moral value.

The men are benched in short order; once only women are left, they make it abundantly clear that Eliza is the last rung on the ladder and send her off to simmer.  Leann wins the reward and decides to share her chopper and chicken wings with Julie; while holding hands and telegraphing more HoYay than RuPaul in his Freedom Bustier, Leann and Julie fly over some trees.  And green stuff.  And more trees.  And, erm, more green stuff.


Alinta – Eliza is still annoyed with everyone because her skulls were set on fire first; Scout tries to make it better by pointing out that the game dictates the “smart people” are to be taken out forthwith but, in the Tree Confessional, Scout reveals she’s been “fed up with Eliza since day two.”

Day two?  What’s wrong with day one?  Eliza has been driving me nuts since the first ‘like’ ran out of her mouth.

Away from the rest of the tribe, the men discuss Eliza’s vulnerability but, instead of trying to devise a plan to bring her to their side and give them a shot at survival, they decide to exploit her weakness, “sabotage [her] game and send her off.”

Oh, you men: you’re a regular cabal of braniacs, aren’t you?

Back from the dormant volcano, Julie and Leann distribute the chicken wings they smuggled and send the women off into the jungle to eat them.  Once the guys make it back to the beach, they’re ecstatic to discover a bag of bones is waiting for them.  Eliza might be the Weakest Estrogen Link, but it seems to me that the ladder has a few rungs below the surface and you guys are barely white-knucking it.


Alinta, Day 23 – Eliza gets the tree mail and finds pork chops – I mean, a pig.  And she can probably manage this one because it’s tied, but this pig acts like a donkey and refuses to budge so Eliza, because she’s smart, but really not, decides to drag it back to the beach instead of, oh, I don’t know, carrying it.

Twila sees bacon and lifts her machete in the air, but the note says they’re supposed to take care of it and no, not that way.


Immunity Challenge – Oh, look: a puzzle!  And they get to do it four times!

After the first round, the Testosterone Brigade is eliminated en banc.  Scout and Twila join the benched men after the second round; Eliza misses the third puzzle, Julie and Leann miss the fourth and Ami gets to wear the Immunity Necklace.


Alinta, Day 24 – You want to know why Lea was eliminated after the first round?  Because he “didn’t expect the center spike to be different colors.”  No?  So, the fact that you had four puzzles to solve on the same board and with the same pieces lead you to conclude that it would not be about colors, but shapes?  Holy crap, you’re a twit.

In the thicket, Chad and Chris discuss Eliza’s possible elimination with Scout while Eliza, out on a stroll with Ami, targets Scout.  It would be unfair to expect Risk-caliber strategy from the guys since they can’t even solve a puzzle and the soft bigotry of low-expectations is such a fun thing in these games, but is it really that difficult for them to realize they should form a five-minute alliance with Eliza and try to kick out one of the women?  There’re men vs. women and then there’s ‘my penis makes me too proud to ask a woman for help,’ know what I mean?

On the beach, Bacon watches Julie and Leann’s Tango of HoYay and yawns.  Pfft, what kind of guy are you?


Tribal Council – Jeff wonders about the divisions in the Estrogen Brigade and asks Chris whether “duplicity is part of this game.”  Jeff, do you even watch Survivor?  It might be a “numbers game,” as Chris suggests – and, if it is, why the hell have you not made a better poaching attempt? – but strategy is not found in math alone.  


The Tribe Has Spoken – There might be a vein of division in the Estrogen Marble, but Sarge will be scowling from the Jury Bench next week.

In his voiceover, Lea says the game has “put another chip in [his] foundation.”  And his foundation?  It’s on his shoulders.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Scout makes a move; Ami’s trust in the women wanes.