SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 08:

• The moon howls.
• Rory complains.
• The beams reappear.
• Rory complains.
• ‘Whoa’ beats ‘psyched.’
• Rory complains.
• The aura is definitely gay.
• Rory complains.

Previously on Survivor – Jon napped.


Lopevi, Night 18 – Julie is “psyched,” but not as much as Lea once she sits between his legs because he “was like, ‘whoa.’”  So was Chad because he really wanted to be between Lea’s legs, too.  I’m not sure where Twila wanted to be, but I’m betting she’d rather have been the legs.

The next day, the guys are still talking about Julie and Lea’s Legs of Shelter until Lea decides it’s time to tan his ass, turns on his stomach and drops his trunks.

Lea: “Julie is an exhibitionist.  I mean, she’s comfortable with it and I told her I’m comfortable with it because I’ve been in Europe.”

Those godless, immoral, nudist Europeans!  Why don’t they just leave us and our Drill Sergeants alone?  Oh, hi mom.  Hi dad.


Yasur, Day 19 – Rory complains that he and Scout are the only people who do any work – I guess we all must have imagined Ami breaking her ass the last 18 days – and says LeAnn is crabby when she wakes up.

Rory: “What a worthless crew.  What a completely worthless crew.  Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me.”

Well, shit, at least LeAnn is crabby only when she wakes up!  And stupid people irritate the living hell out of me, too, but those who think they’re not stupid and are piss me off even more, know what I’m sayin’, you God-complexed boil in the butt of humanity?  OK then.


Reward Challenge – This time, it’ll be something original, like – oh, I know!  A relay-style race!  With water!  And a ladder!  And fire!  But that’s not the only thing that sucks: the reward does, too, because I loathe milk.  And chocolate is just gross, but I don’t have a story about a cough-syrup overdose when I was four to go with it like I do for milk.

Lopevians win, mostly because Ami keeps on throwing the water at Rory instead of at the bucket he’s holding: I’m sure that’ll dissuade him from carrying out the jihad he’s declared against her.


Lopevi – Twila is worried because Scout was so happy to see her earlier and thinks the guys would be stupid if they weren’t “to read something into that,” like the very simple truth that Twila’s allegiance is still with the women.

Chad (to Chris): “And with Twila?  She’s too stubborn to go with those women.  Nah.”

Well.  Stupid is as stupid does.


Immunity Challenge – It’s an individual affair now that the two tribes have merged.  Individual, as in only one person can win it, right Jeff?  As for the challenge, it’s another surprise.  Wait, don’t tell me: it’s a water race, isn’t it?  And there will be ladders and balance beams and flags! 

Lea and Eliza win the first heat; Rory and Ami win the second and they all move to the final round, which Lea wins with a pretty good lead.  To make it official, Jeff puts a garlic necklace over his head.  Oh, wait, that’s not garlic.


Lopevi Camp – Hootin’!  And hollerin’!  And huggin’!  And happiness!

Scout: “I am thrilled.  I just missed Twila deep down in places I can’t talk about.”

You don’t know how thrilled I am that you won’t be trying.

Rory: “I am just so completely ecstatic to be back on men.”

On men?  Really?  I figured you for a complete backseat-driving bottom, Rory.

Not five minutes into the cheese and crackers, Rory takes Lea aside and tells him Ami must be destroyed because she caught Bubba when he was trying to send a message to the other tribe, called him out in front of everyone and kicked him off the island.  How dare Ami protect her tribe!  That’s not what this game is about!  It’s about – oh, wait.

Rory: “I’m the cat who swallowed the canary right now.  […]  My fortune has changed, I’m just so happy right now.”

First of all, that makes no sense: it’s the absolutely wrong analogy.  Secondly, if Survivor history is any guide – and it always is – you’ll be voted out next – and we will be canary-eating cats.


Day 21 – Scout announces the new tribe name will be ‘Alinta,’ which means “we are the fire, we are the people of the fire.”  The new flag, which pictures a volcano, also represents this – you know, in case you’ve thus far missed all the shots of the burping volcanoes.

In the thicket and right under a whole bunch of raunchy bats – and, by ‘raunchy,’ I mean they’re doing it – Twila and Julie tell Chad they want to take out Rory first because he does well with the challenges and is therefore a bigger threat than Ami.  Chad disagrees because he feels it’s all about math, there are more women than men and the challenges don’t mean anything.  That’s right, Chad, and that is why you won’t care next time you’ll hug the beam instead of running on it.

Chris agrees with Chad, convinced that taking out Ami will break the rest of the women because Ami?  She’s the rudder.

Chris: “Twila is scared.  She’s insecure.  That’s why you have to pretty much strategize for Twila.”

And you’re a condescending, sexist pig, which makes you the opposite of superior.

Lea: “Ami has control of all the women.  She gets them in her aura and pulls them in.”

Beware the gay, lesbian homosexual with the agenda in her pocket and with the aura!


Tribal Council – After talk of body paint and wood gathering, Rory asserts that he “know[s] for a fact that [he has] been given a second chance.”  Ami says her “good attitude” has brought her this far.  That and The Aura.


The Tribe Has Spoken – Rory’s second chance lasted as long as a fire tended by Eliza: so long, you humorless pain in the ass.

In the voiceover, Rory says he’s “the victim of a gender war.”  That’s right, Rory: you were the only man on the island and the women picked on you.  Oh, wait.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Lea grows tired of the kissing; Eliza gets a pig.