SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 07:

• Jon naps.
• Rory prays.
• Jon naps.
• Scout passes.
• Jon naps.
• Folgers sponsors.
• Jon naps.

Previously on Survivor – Misunderstandings fuel Ami’s power(s).

Lopevi, Day 16 – Everyone works – except for Jon, who seems to think that “there isn’t much to do” on the island: it’s like a resort, really. 


Yasur, Day 16 – After having proved that God exists by avoiding elimination, Rory keeps up the Prayer Quota and gives thanks.  In the thicket, he wonders what his “situation” in the tribe might be while Ami nibbles, bites, licks and sucks on a stick – which is so, so wrong because…you know.

Unfortunately for him, LeAnn and Ami remind him that, even though they voted out Lisa, “the women have an alliance” and, well, he’s not a woman even though his name says he is.  Rory sputters and spits that he doesn’t care about the men in the other tribe and, after the merger, he will maintain his allegiance to the women.  Ami and LeAnn are unmoved.

Rory: “I’ve decided that I will go in self-destruct mode.  […]  If I get voted off this island, the Yasur tribe will burn.  I can guarantee that.”

Just two days ago, Dick Cheney guaranteed that bin Laden was “holed up in a cave somewhere” but, it turns out, he’s been making videos with kick-ass lighting and sound so – yeah, Rory: without you, the women will just lie down and set themselves on fire.


Reward Challenge – Tribe members will have to manage an obstacle course while carrying a half coconut shell filled with its juice; at the end of the course, they have to spill the remaining juice into a bottle: first tribe to fill the bottle will win a trip to the Home Café, sponsored by Folgers (though, fortunately, minus that annoying ‘the first part of waking up is Folgers in your cup’ thing they do to the rhythm of Lord of the Dance).  Also: juice and croissants.

Boring, boring, boringcakes – until Scout deliberately dumps her coconut juice so she may skip her turn and go last.  Jeff declares the Juice Dump is “a new strategy,” but we all know it only means Yasurians have decided they’re sick and tired of losing because Scout the Great and Wise Poobah fucks up each and every challenge.  Lots of juice later, Yasurians win the reward even though LeAnn, Fucker-Upper Numero Dos, first runs back without the jar, then gets the jar and promptly falls.


The Home Café – Oh, my favorite part of the show – you know, if I were an amoeba.  There are pictures and letters for everyone; for some inexplicable reason, this reward, each and every season, sends everyone into a crying frenzy.  Get it together, you tools: you’ve only been gone for 16 days!  16!  Whateverthefuckcakes.

Scouts gets a letter from Annie, her partner; Rory sees the enclosed picture and declares it to be “just beautiful,” which it is once you eliminate Scout and Annie from it and just look at the horse.


Lopevi, Day 17 – Twila and Julie decide it’s time to chat because, well, they’re women and that’s what women do.  Julie lets Twila believe that the men have approached her about being in the final four; since Lea offered Twila that same deal, she figures they’re being played; for her part, Julie believes her strategic lie will bring Twila back into an alliance with her.

Yeah, that’s incredibly interesting, isn’t it?  Almost as interesting as the fact that Twila has braided her hair: I guess Braidgate had an effect after all.  Or maybe she just likes to pretty up for the boys.

After getting Tree Mail, a slingshot and some marbles, Lea declares that they’ll win the challenge because “Yasur is like a High School team against an SEC team.”  Crap, I hate it when you guys spoil the end for me: now I don’t even have to watch to know that Yasur will kick your ass. 


Immunity Challenge -  Using the slingshot, each tribe member will have to try and break his or her own tribe’s ceramic tiles.  Each time a tile is broken, a corresponding wooden tile will be flipped over; once each row is completed, the tribe member associated with that row will move to the map.  First tribe to break all twenty tiles will win immunity.

This will be yet another riveting challenge, won’t it?  I’ll need a whole brain cell just to follow it.  Just as Lea didn’t predict, Yasurians win the challenge and get to keep Rory for at least three more days.


Yasur, Day 18 – Scout is ready for the celebratory cup of coffee while Rory is so pumped that he decides to colonize the island with the Immunity Stick.

Rory: “Today I rocked Ami.  I rocked the hell out of her world today.  […]  Now she’s number one on my hit list.”

Somehow I don’t think that’s a likely scenario, Rory.  Oh, you don’t mean “rock” and “hit” that way? 


Lopevi, Day 18 – Though they neither like nor trust Jon, Chris and Chad wonder whether it would be better to bring an extra guy to the eventual merger.  Around the fire, Jon tells Chris that, if Chad were to make it to the final two, he’d win because [whisper] he has a prosthetic leg [/whisper] and would therefore “get the sympathy vote.”  You’d get my sympathy vote, Jon, because any person as stupid as you needs a little help now and again.

Jon: “I take Twila’s word because she is a rough redneck and to me all rough rednecks that I have met are pretty loyal.”

You’re an idiot wrapped in ignorance, aren’t you?  ‘Cause I’m pretty sure you think the “redneck” riff is a compliment and, really, you just sound like a moron. 


Tribal Council – Chris says everyone has a role in the tribe and the whole thing is a “team effort.”  Obviously, the memo never got to Jon – unless sitting on one’s ass all day is a role: in that case, Jon fills is very ably.

Lea makes Twila giggle like a girl when he says that she “is the wonder for exotic foods, she is the preparer of meals and she is constantly going for firewood.  She does everything.”

For her part, Julie feels the tribe is gellin’ like Magellan; Chad declares he can “get to the core” and figure out who is lying and who isn’t while Chris, following in Scout and Ami’s tradition, has decided that votes are to be based on trust, but he also says his vote will be based “on [his] future in the game,” which doesn’t exactly jibe with trust, not unless he meant he’s putting it all on himself.


The Tribe Has Spoken – Despite his efforts to get Julie and Twila to vote with him against Chad, it’s Jon and his catnaps that are voted out.

In his voiceover, Jon says he veni, he vidi and he losti.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Lea tans his ass; Rory’s patience runs out; a new twist.