SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 06:

• Rory plays to type.
• Pigs marry irony.
• Eliza beats the mud.
• Scout’s hands are the New Testament.
• Loyalty kicks strength’s ass.

Previously on Survivor – The earthquake was aptly named; chiefs were chosen and so were new tribes; Lea was caught with his pants down.


Yasur – Rory is shocked, SHOCKED! that, at Tribal Council, the women revealed he would have been voted out had Travis not conspired with his former tribe and suggests that, “for the peace and tranquility of this tribe, it would be best for [him] to hold [his] tongue until tomorrow morning.”

But does he?  Oh, no.  He’s like the neighbor who keeps on saying it’s ok that the branch of one of your trees falls a little on his property, it’s really not a problem, it’s not something worth discussing, really, because it’s just a branch and who cares about a few extra leaves that take away his enjoyment of the Bay?  He only mentioned it because he saw you looking at the tree; otherwise, he never would have stopped windsurfing so he could explicitly tell you not to worry about that branch – that is, until you come home one day and find not just the branch, but the entire tree is gone.  Wait, what were we talking about again?

Rory: “My thing is to come off as the upset, angry ‘brother’ who is welcomed back into the fold.”

Oh, so, instead of waiting for the show to pigeonhole you, you choose to stereotype yourself?  That’s brilliant, Rory, just brilliant.


Lopevi, Day 13 – It’s great to have women around, Lea says, even though they’re not needed.  Oh, no?  And who gave birth to you, a camel?


Yasur, Day 13 – It’s time to have a chat, Rory says, because mumbling to himself all night next to the fire is not half as satisfactory as being a self-serving dork. 

Ami looks amused while Rory prattles on about being unable to go back to Lopevi and having proved to Yasur he’s one of them and having come to the new tribe hoping he’d have a fair shot and, you know what else?  He’s not going to do a damn thing unless he has “a shot at making it through tribal council.”

That’s another brilliant move, Rory: I’m sure none of the women will think they can lie to you and say, yeah, you have a shot, and then kick your stupid ass off the island after they’ve made you gather firewood all day long.


Reward Challenge – Pig wrestling!  With mud!  Oh, I just know a gay man came up with this challenge.  Ahem.  The reward?  After all the pigs are corralled, the winning tribe can enjoy steaks and eggs.  Mmm, I love irony.

Jon goes out twice in a row for Lopevi and successfully catches two pigs; Rory gets one, too, and so does Ami, but she coos and talks to hers and promises “mama” will take care of him.  I’ll help by building the pit, Ami.  Chris gets a third pig for Lopevi and Lisa ties the score but, since her fake chest weighs as much as the pig, she has a hard time walking it back behind the gate.  Eliza goes out next for Yasur but only wastes time, barely touching a single pig, while Chad catches two.  A few pigs later, Lea catches the ninth and tenth pigs and wins steaks for Lopevi.


Lopevi – Chomping on bloody protein – does no one like well done meat anymore? – everyone predicts that Eliza will be voted out next because she was useless in the pig pen.

U-huh.  If Survivor has taught me anything, it’s that those who don’t do well get kicked out right away.  Oh, wait.


Yasur – Apparently, sand is not the only thing that gets in places with no names. 

Lisa and Rory hang out in the water, chatting about all the competitions they’ve lost and the food they seem unable to win.

Rory: “And if we lose tomorrow, the next immunity challenge, I’m going home and you guys are sunk.”

Alright, that’s it: on principle, I loathe these battle of the sexes competitions because they turn everyone into walking advertisements for misogyny and misandry [that’s hatred of men for those of you who, like my Microsoft Word spellchecker, might think misandry is not a real word], but let’s take a simple tally, shall we?  Before you joined Yasur, Rory, the women were kicking your ass; after your arrival, they started losing so, for you to say they’ll be “sunk” once you’re gone is a bit like saying taking a pebble out of the tank makes fish unable to swim.  Shut up, asshole.

Around the fire, Lisa tells Eliza not to worry about the fact that she could not be bothered to get muddy to wrestle a pig.  In fact, she tells her “don’t worry about it” about five times – and that’s before I tune her out.  Under a tree and away from the rest of the tribe, though, Lisa blames Eliza for Yasur’s loss.

With Ami, Eliza crysniffles that she’s not used to being unable to do things, which only tells me she’s a big, fat liar.  Then, instead of letting it go, she says she wishes Scout were not there because then she’d have been able to be the gatekeeper and no one would have known how much she really sucks and blows.

Ami: “Right now, honey, I feel like you’re coming up with a lot of excuses.”

Aannndddd word!


Lopevi, Day 16 – Coming out of the water, Julie announces that she really likes tanning her “ass” and, sitting on a huge-ass root, she admits she’s a big flirt.  And then she tans her ass while Lea tries not to “look too much” and Twila stares at – something.

Lea and Twila seem to have formed a pretty good working relationship and, while we watch them at work getting plantains, Lea says Twila could be his friend for “the next twenty years.”

Lea: “I could pal around with Twila, I’d drink a beer with Twila, I’d go to races with Twila.”

That’s funny because, apparently, that’s how we pick our Presidents nowadays.

Lea: “I also would put a dress on Twila and go out to dinner with her – because she is a lady.”

Now you’re going too far, Lea!  And don’t let Twila hear you calling her ‘a lady’ or she’ll kick your ass all the way back to boot camp.


Immunity Challenge – Starting on a floating platform, four tribe members will each have to transport two wooden tiki pieces to the beach by moving them along a rope through a four-part water obstacle: around an outrigger canoe, up and over a wall, under water through three hitching posts and, finally, still under water, all the pieces have to be moved through a truss.  The remaining two tribe members will have to solve the puzzle: the first tribe to assemble the tiki will win immunity. 

Things are pretty even between Yasur and Lopevi until LeAnn faces Julie and is unable to hold her breath for more than a handful of seconds at a time, spending an inordinate amount of time trying to catch her breath and thereby giving Lopevi a huge lead, so huge that Eliza never gets a chance to go through the course.  The Immunity Idol goes home with Lopevi.


Yasur, Day 16 – Back at camp, Eliza comforts LeAnn, something which must make her feel pretty damn good since now the Spotlight of Suckitude is shining brightly on someone else and, I’m sure, Eliza is hoping everyone will have forgotten about her pathetic pig event and will focus on LeAnn’s shit instead.

LeAnn: “I feel as if I should go home because I screwed up so bad.”

And the English language is suffering with you, too, but – don’t fret: those who suck never go home.  You’re perfectly safe.

Back at camp, Lisa tells Ami she wants to go with her to go get something or rather, I never quite catch what, “just in case…you know,”  which Ami takes to mean should she no longer be there, a not altogether wrong assessment of Lisa’s comment.  Deeper in the woods, Scout says she’ll be voting to oust Eliza; Ami disagrees: quite serenely and in her presence, she announces she’d vote for Lisa first because her “comment was just rude.”

Indeed, Ami: you should get rid of the rude people first because they make you lose the challenges.  Oh, wait.

Ami: “I can honestly say that, right now, I trust Eliza more than I trust Lisa.”

You’re awesome for saying that to Lisa, but I’m not so hot on your logic.  Wanting to eliminate the competition before the merge is fine, but you also need to bring one or two strong people from your tribe to the merge, if nothing else because it’s still a numbers game then and you don’t want to be the solitary ass walking into a whole new tribe.

Lisa is offended that Ami took her comment the way she did and swears on the Bible – well, ok: it’s Scout’s hands subbing in for the Bible, which is the same thing and, also, hilarious because she’s A Gay and, undoubtedly, her lesbian hands are giving an infarct to every homophobic, Bible-thumping cretin who watches the show – that she is “here till the end.”  Well, what the hell does that mean?  Everyone is there to the end: that’s the point of the game!

Lisa: “I’m not going to swear to my God to please these people.  I’m not gonna do it anymore.  I’m not gonna kiss Ami’s butt to stay in this game.”

No problem, Lisa: you, ‘your’ God and every other thing that’s fake about you will be off the island in a few hours.


Tribal Council – Proving my earlier point, Jeff asks LeAnn about her bout with suckitude during the Immunity Challenge and doesn’t even bother to ask Eliza about hers, though he does ask whether “people can trust” her right after Scout says she votes “based on loyalty” and not strength.

Eliza: “I think that the people that I’ve told that they can trust me, I think they do trust me, yeah.  Definitely.”

And English takes another beating!  Also?  That was a prevarication, not an answer - you know, like being asked about job losses and answering by discussing No Child Left Behind.  What, you didn’t watch the debates?  Then you suck.

Ami agrees with Scout: loyalty is her measuring stick, at least for now, which leaves Rory in nudist camp.

Rory: “What can I do?  I mean, my ass is hanging out.”

Heh.


The Tribe Has Spoken – Ami’s power play sends Lisa and her God packing.

In her voiceover, Lisa says loyalty blows.  Boo-hoo, it’s all so unfair!


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Julie and Twila hatch a plan; Rory tries to find a crack.