SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 05:

• The volcano gets mad.
• The buffs take a tumble.
• Travis twitches.
• Ami doesn’t do ‘ya’ll.’
• Rory meets the burden of proof.

Previously on Survivor – Lisa’s independence rankled Eliza; Ami checked out Eliza’s grapefruits; Da modeled a skirt.


Lopevi, Day 11 – The men converse about sleeping arrangements and who is closest to the fire.  It’s all very wussy and cranky and who-put-my-bra-in-the-freezer teenage-girly.  Thankfully, a canoe approaches and breaks up the you-get-more-embers-than-I-do conversation.

Rory: “When the two men arrived, immediately I was pretty excited.”

So, what you’re saying is that, after eleven days on an island in the company of men, you’re ready to, erm, adapt? 

After working out the language kinks, the men figure out they’re supposed to pick a leader; Lea is it and gets ready to go by taking off his pants but, alas, Canoe Man hands him a carved staff and a necklace and takes off.  Lea feels used and abandoned.


Yasur, Day 11 – A different Canoe Man goes through the same routine with the women and they choose Scout to be their sceptered chief.

Ami: “Scout, she’s definitely a chief.  She’s the oldest, she’s the wisest: I think it was obvious to all of us.”

But not to any of us since she’s also the most useless.  Canoe Man leaves.

Lisa: “Going bye-bye?”

He’s a man, not a child: just because you don’t speak his language doesn’t mean it’s ok to revert to baby talk, you twit.  And see?  The volcano agrees with me!


The earthquake – Ami seems to be rather indifferent to the volcano’s sputtering  even though, as she says, there are no earthquakes in Colorado.  Lisa is not as calm and declares she “felt the ground opening.”  Yeah?  I was wishing it could swallow you whole, Lisa.

The men try to brave it by egging on the volcano; Lea says he’s heard of earthquakes but he “never imagined the whole earth just friggin’…”  What, Lea: did you think quakes are called earthquakes just for the heck of it?


Time for the Chiefs – As has become customary, it’s time to shake up the tribes.  Scout forms the new tribes and Lea chooses which will be his.  The new members of Yasur are Scout, Rory, Chris, Eliza, Ami, Lisa and LeAnn while the new members of Lopevi are Lea, Twila, Julie, Chad, Chris and John.

Well, that was riveting.


Reward Challenge – Each tribe member will dive from a platform, swim to a buoy and dive to retrieve one of thirteen markers tied to the buoy’s rope, the deepest of which is thirty feet below the surface.  After ten minutes, the tribe with the most markers will win Pringles and beer.  Pringles?  I’m all for crunch and salt, but this product placement mania must stop: you might fool my DVR, but I’m on to you, Madison Avenue!

A few yawns into it, I wonder why none of these people can swim and then Chris drops the 12-foot marker and watches as it slowly sinks to the ocean’s floor.  First the beam, now the marker: how has your sorry ass managed to stay as long as it has, Chrissy?  Lea can’t manage to bring back the 22-foot marker because he’s never heard of water pressure and doesn’t know how to compensate.  Really, people: you all know you’re going to be on an island!  Why is it that year after year it’s a procession of survivor-wannabes who don’t know shit about water?

In the end, Ami drops the ball – well, it is Ami – and the new Lopevi tribe wins Pringles and beer under a waterfall.

Lea: “After spending eleven days eating greens and plantains, these taste like gold.”

The folks at Pringles must be so delighted with you, Lea: I’m sure they wanted their chips to be compared to a corrosion-resistant element.


Yasur – Rory and Travis attempt to merge into their new tribe by being overly officious worker bees, but the women are ok with that and offer sugarcanes.  Though glad to be in a new tribe, Travis is aware that he needs to watch his back because “being in a tribe with a bunch of women […] one wrong move and they’ll vote you out.”

Yeah, unlike the men who’ll let you get away with it.

Rory and Travis begin working far more than they ever did in their former tribe; Ami understands why and is willing to stroke their egos and play along but, unlike the other women, sees no need to share each and every one of their secrets “just to be cool” and stops Lisa from showing the guys how to crack open a coconut.

Ami: “We’re still five women strong, that’s not going to change, at least on my end it’s not going to change.  I’m sticking by the ladies.”

We know, Ami: we know. 


Immunity Challenge – Running into the jungle, the tribes have to collect pieces to build an outrigger canoe; once that’s done, two tribe members will paddle out, collect their flags, go back to the beach and make sure the outrigger hits the last marker.

Lapevi are first in the water and Twila is more animated than she’s been to date: obviously, men become her.  Despite the crappy paddling, Lapevi’s lead holds and the tribe wins immunity. 


Yasur – Rory understands that the women will “vote as a solid bloc” and decides to leave his faith to something concrete: the old, bearded dude in the sky.

Rory: “The only thing I can do is assume the worst, hope for the best and pray to God that I’m here tomorrow.”

So, if you’re not voted out, we’ll all know God exists.  I don’t know about you, but this is the best offer of proof I’ve ever had.

Ami tells Scout that Travis communicated with the other tribe right before the challenge and plans to vote him out.

Ami: “Bubba is not part of the tribe.  He was making plans with the other team!  That’s – do you see Michael Jordan whispering to the other team what the next play is?”

Well, no, but that’s because, one, I loathe basketball and, two, Jordan has retired.  Unless he’s changed his mind again.  For the billionth time.  Who can keep track of that egomaniac?

Eliza, who has a hell of a mouth but, apparently, not much of a brain, wonders whether kicking off one of the guys will be counterproductive since Lopevi has four of them.  She thinks the challenges will get more physical and they’ll need the guys to win.  Yeah, because you’ve been losing without them to this point, right?  And then later, when the immunity challenges will be individual, you think having all men around will help you – how, exactly?  Shut up, tool.


Tribal Council – Lisa says she’s enjoyed having the men around, but LeAnn admits she’s not “done the switch yet” and it’s still men vs. women for her.  For her part, Ami thought they were one tribe until she saw Travis signaling to the other team; when he hears this, Travis makes a face as if to say he has no idea what the hell Ami is talking about but, once Jeff questions him, he admits he was trying to figure out whether Lopevi might want to throw the challenge so they could get rid of one of the women and bring more men to the merger.

Wow, that must be one of the most nonsensical strategies ever!  Travis, you idiot: what did you think you’d get out of that moronic move, a ride to the merger?  Please: you’ll be lucky if all Ami does with you is roast your nuts.


The Tribe Has Spoken – And what it’s saying comes as a surprise to no one: so long, Travis.

In his voiceover, Travis says he’s proved his signaling prowess and the Yankees will want to hire him.  Bubba, I don’t think there’s a team in Cuba that’s going to want you.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Rory makes a move; the women at Lopevi get rid of their tan lines.