SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 04:

• Lisa punks Eliza.
• Eliza renames Lisa.
• Brady scares the kiddy fishies.
• Ami remembers she’s gay.
• Da makes the skirt count.

Previously On Survivor – Eliza talked; Rory walked; Lea built and destroyed; Ami was a sexist tool; Mia walked the plank.


Yasur, Day 7 – With the perennially erupting volcano in the background – I’m sure it’s not symbolic or anything – Eliza confronts Lisa about her decision to vote independently from the Alliance of the Young, Lazy and Stupid and send Mia home.  On a rock, Eliza says that tribal council “shocked the hell” out of her – oh, I think not, you soon-to-be piece of ember! – and that “Lisa was supposedly in an alliance.”

Eliza: “When [Lisa] voted against Mia, that totally blindsided me and I was like, ‘that bitch.’”

That’s right Eliza, you’re the only one who gets to break alliances.  Remember Dolly?  Well, ok, neither do we, but she was in an alliance with you, pumpkin, and you voted her out.  Also?  You’re an asshole.


Lopevi, Day 8 – Rory muses that, even though he “got three votes at tribal council,” he’s not bothered by it: after all, it doesn’t mean that people want to send his ass off the island or anything.  Oh, wait.

Surrounded by shrubbery – or whatever that green stuff with leaves happens to be – John is perplexed by the new rules of the jungle: all the young, fit guys are gone.

John: “Why are we letting fat dudes run the show?  This doesn’t make any sense to me.”

You’re right, John: why don’t we just round up all the fatsos and shoot them?  Why should they be allowed to live and, good god, take two seats on a plane?  With fewer of them in the world, we could have so much more space for dumb asses like you!

Brady, who knows how to count and realizes he’s in the wrong group, decides that fishing might be what keeps him in the game, a pseudo-strategy that might work if he were able to spear something bigger than a premature sardine.


Reward Challenge – It’s a memory challenge: first team to pair five items will win a man in a straw skirt with a machete.  Oh no, wait: the winning tribe will get the man in a straw skirt with a machete who knows everything there is to know about finding food, killing it and improving living conditions in the camp.

The women take an early lead when Ami pairs the tribal drums and Eliza finds the grapefruits.

Ami: “Nice grapefruits.”

Bwah!  Oh, so you are a gay, homosexual lesbian! 

After pairing the shrimp traps, pig jaws and nautilus shells, the women win and take Da back to camp with them.


Yasur – Da gets to work right away, showing the Ya-Ya Sisterhood all the roots, fruits and sugar canes they could have been eating had they bothered to research the island before arriving.

Lisa: “Da seemed to understand us more than we could understand him.  He had to kind of use his hands a lot.  Eventually, we got it.”

So, what you’re saying is that Da, a “native tribesman,” didn’t speak English and, horror of horrors, had to gesticulate so you could understand what he was attempting to teach you?  What is the world coming to if you go to an island only to find the natives haven’t even bother to learn English in survival school in the remote chance your privileged, selfish ass should ever land there?


Lopevi – After nine days on plantains, the men kick pride in the ass and openly admit they wish they had their very own man in a straw skirt – and they don’t even care about the machete.

Travis decides to carve the name of his children on his torch; Chad and Rory worry about him and the fact that he “lets his thoughts get the best of him.”

Rory: “It’s becoming obvious that Bubba’s weakness is his family.”

So, that orange shirt with Bob Barker’s face on it is not it?  Huh.


Yasur, Day 9 – While Da paddles away, Lisa breaks into her rendition of Blessed because there just isn’t enough religion on this island; the rest of the women join in, like the sheep they all are.


Lopevi, Day 10 – To Brady’s consternation, Rory decides to take the spear and go fishing.  I say ‘fishing,’ but Rory never bothers to take off his shoes, let alone actually get in the water.  So, this kind of fishing is the equivalent of New Math lost in an equation and wrapped in a parenthesis?  Wait, what?


Immunity Challenge – The tribes have to solve a tile puzzle; each piece must be arranged so that, as Jeff explains, “none of the same symbols, none of the same colors are in the same row or the same column.”  Eliza and Rory are chosen to be “the set of eyes.”

Rory soon loses control of his team because the men seem more interested in trying each of their individual strategies rather than working together.  Eliza directs her team well and the women win their second challenge.


Lopevi – Aww, look at all the fish none of the men seem able to get out of the ocean! 

Around the fire, the men acknowledge their clusterfuck and realize they lost because they didn’t listen to Rory.  Or maybe it’s because Rory just sat there.  Or maybe it’s because Rory had no idea what to do.  Or maybe they lost because they wouldn’t let Rory direct them.  Well, I’m sure they’ll figure it out as soon as they stop trying to top each other.


Tribal Council – Travis tells Jeff that, even though the women kicked them in the balls, Lopevi will be a whole new tribe come sunup and they’ll be taking names and slashing tires at the next challenges.  Jeff thinks that’s a bunch of crap.

Brady advances the theory that the men have started playing as individuals far too soon; Chris says something convoluted about not knowing whether the women are playing as a team or as individuals, which is when Chad jumps in.

Chad: “If things within the tribe start happening where there’s a sense that people are starting to go individual, what are you gonna do as an individual if you feel that that is starting to happen?  You have to jump on.”

Yeah, because that individual thing?  It’s been working so well for you guys.  All hail the Individual Penis.


The Tribe Has Spoken – And it really wants the Pretty Boy Posse to get the hell off the island: bye-bye, Brady.

In his voiceover, Brady says that he feels “like a bit of a loser,” but thinks he was kicked out because the others might have thought that “Brady is one of those guys that, if he makes it to the merge, he’s gonna kick my ass.”

Yeah, that’s exactly what they were thinking, Brady.  Here, take this to polish your ego: I’m sure you won’t miss a single spot.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Lopevi and Yasur face the first shake-up; the volcano gets mad.