SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 03:

• Rory finds vitamins.
• The blade almost swings.
• John divides and conquers.
• Twila learns what it means to be a woman.

Previously On Survivor – The men can’t hug!  The women dance on the beam!  Jeff!  Rory attacks the classless women!  Lea is a man!  Jeff!


Yasur – Back from tribal council, Mia and the rest of the Alliance of the Young are upset with Eliza because, damn her, she voted independently from the group and sent Dolly back to her sheep.


Lopevi – While working on manly things with the rest of the guys, Lea wonders where Rory is.  You see, Lea is a drill sergeant; he’s used to supervising people and being able to tell them when they can go to the can, so the fact that Rory goes off on his own is a source of great consternation.  When Rory returns to camp, Lea confronts him about his “solitary walks;” Rory holds up a piece of fruit in triumph, as if to say, “Hey, you can’t tell me I don’t pull my own weight!  I have Vitamin C!  Right here!  What are you going to say to me now, punk?  Huh?  That’s right, walk away.”  Yes, I got all that: what were you watching?


Yasur – Twila does Xena on a rock while she sharpens the machete.  No, Twila is not one of the two gay women.  I know, I know.  Once again, the conversation turns to the division of labor.

Mia: “How are people complaining about people not doing work?  Somebody might be starting a fire, but who is getting firewood?  Somebody might be doing the shelter, but who is getting the bamboo?

Hum – not you, Mia.  It’s never been you.  Also?  You look like Ani DiFranco and that makes me prone to dislike you.

Mia: “You start a fire in the morning.  We could easily start that fire in the morning if you were not here.”

Then why the hell don’t you do it?  Get off your ass five minutes earlier, start that fire and free Billy Joel!  But Mia is not yet done and tells Twila that she should stop playing the Fire Card, all the smart people are on to her and “it’s going to backfire.”

Or, as Bren put it:

Mia: "Go ahead and keep playing that card 'cuz it's the only one you got, bitch!
Twila: :::Sharpening machete sounds::: "Mmmmm Hmmm ... well, I gots that, and I got me this here sling blade.  Mmmmm hmmm."

Twila, see that rock in your hand?  Throw it.  Then grab the machete and make dinner – if you know what I mean, and I think you do.


Yasur, Day 7 – While retrieving Tree Mail, Eliza assures Julie, Mia and Lisa that she’s not made an alliance with the others and plans on voting with them from now on.  Under a bush, Lisa whispers into the camera.

Lisa: “Well, I’m not so sure that Eliza is in with us and, even then, I don’t know if I trust her.  But, I’ve got a back-up plan: we’ll see what happens.”

Do you have a back-up plan for that augmentation mammoplasty you had?  Because it’s going in all the wrong places, Lisa.


Reward/Immunity Challenge – And it comes with a twist: both Yasur and Lopevi will go to tribal council at the end of the day.  The tribe that’ll win the reward will move on to the individual immunity competition.  Or, as Jeff put it:

Jeff: “The winning tribe will then move on and take part in an individual challenge where one person will win immunity.”

Oh, so if it’s an individual challenge, only one person gets to win?  Amazing.

During the reward challenge, the tribes have to make their way through three caged walls.  At the first wall, a series of planks have to be untied; once through the gate and at the second wall, they’ll use grappling hooks to retrieve three rings to open the locks.  At the third gate, they’ll have to untie a series of interlocking poles.  The first tribe that’ll get all of its members on the Finish Mat will win the reward - a fishing kit - and a shot at individual immunity.

At the first gate, the men spread out while the women huddle ‘cause they have no fear of Gay Contamination.  At the second gate, Scout fucks up and throws the grappling hook short of the target.  On her second try, she swings the hook over and over and – Scout, throw the fucking thing!  You’re not trying to rope a bull, you twit.  While Scout has a séance with her hook, Twila manages to get two of the three keys.  On the men’s side, J.P. fetches the third ring and Lopevi dash to the third gate.  Scout’s throw, again, is too short.  Twila steps in and gets the last key.  Get your butch on, Twila! 

Alas, the women are too slow and the guys move on to the individual – only!one!gets!to!win! – immunity portion of the challenge.  Buried in the sand are seven ladder rungs, each of them unique; the men will have to get them and put the ladder together.  The first man to accomplish the task and climb to the top will win immunity.  Dig, dig, dig…build, build, build…John wins.  Yeah, I have no idea who the hell he is, either.  One more thing: John will go to the women’s camp and, after the men’s tribal council, he’ll stay behind and pass his immunity to one of the women.


Yasur – As soon as he gets to their camp, John divides the women into two groups: those who voted to send Dolly home and those who didn’t.

John: “Check it out: I’m just curious what happened with the whole Dolly thing.”

Yeah, check it out, women.  Check.It.Out.

Eliza explains what happened.  And explains.  And explains some more.  After that, she keeps on explaining and, just to make sure John understands the intricacies of “I didn’t want to be voted off, so I cut Dolly off at the knees,” she explains some more.  And then she tries to make sure John knows she doesn’t have an alliance with the old people because, yuck, they’re old and who wants to hang with them anyway?

Eliza: “Like, we get along so well.  Like, really, it’s been amazing.”

Like, if you don’t shut up immediately, I’m going to, like, dig a hole in the sand and bury you in it.  Like, for sure.

John moves on to the three who didn’t vote for Dolly, but Eliza is not done talking yet and decides to join them.  Immediately, Mia asks her whether she plans on voting her out.  Well, of course not!  It’s Scout’s turn, Eliza says.  A debate over the merits of a tied vote ensues; Eliza, Mia, Julie and Lisa wonder off, leaving John behind to play with a stick.


Lopevi – J.P. relives the glory of the day’s challenges, but he’s also worried he’ll be voted off because he’s young, virile and handsome.  Also?  He’s full of shit wrapped in hubris. 

J.P, Brady and John take Lea aside, try to take advantage of his tiffs with Rory and attempt to convince him to vote him off.  When Lea goes back to camp, he shares his concerns about Rory with Travis and muses that he really doesn’t like “building a team of men, or survivors, building them up to a fine-tuned team and then tearing them down.”

Yeah, Lea, ‘cause, in the military, soldiers are fluffed and never, ever torn down.


Lopevi’s Tribal Council – Chad goes girly and tells Jeff that winning a few of the challenges has brought the men “closer together,” which I don’t think will ever translate into not purposefully falling off the beam and into the water just so they won’t have to touch each other.  John startles the rest of the tribe when he discloses how he separated the women so that he could determine their alliances, but his ear is still ringing with Eliza’s voice telling him that, like, her tribe rocks and, like, they love each other so, so much.

Despite The Pretty Young Men’s attempts, The Old Men’s alliance holds and Jeff snuffs out J.P.’s torch.  In front of a skull, J.P. says he wishes he’d been able to stay on the island longer than seven days.

J.P.: “There’s no way that I think I was outwitted, outlasted, outplayed.”

That’s right, J.P.: you were just too pretty to stay.


Yasur’s Tribal Council – John gives his immunity to a very surprised Ami; he explains he chose her because she would not have been voted off anyway and he’d rather make it to the merger without pissing off any of the women, thank you.

Mia and Twila get into it again; Mia complains that Twila makes no effort to speak to any of them and she retorts that it’s just her personality and that she generally communicates better with men since grunting is all that’s required.

Twila: “I am the tomboy, I do weld, I do fix trucks, I do those things and it’s hard for me to bring up conversations with these women that I feel I have nothing in common with.”

Ami’s face telegraphs something that I very much wish translated into “whom are you calling a woman, you silly welder?”  But…

Ami: “Have you taken the time to walk in these girls’ shoes and realize they’re just girls, they like to play on the beach, they like to do girly stuff.  Like, have you taken that time?  […]  Do you realize that right now is your opportunity to, like, find the feminine side of you and just let go of ‘this is what I am’ and realize there is so much more to you than just that?”

This is where I could say ‘oh, look: the lesbian is telling the straight woman to find her Inner Girl and let her roar and how ironic and instructive for those tools out there who think gay women are just like Twila and straight women are just like Ami and isn’t it interesting’ and blah, blah, blah – but, no.  Ami?  Shut the fuck up.  This is not the time for Twila to find her inner anything - unless it’s that machete she loves so much and she can use to cut off your stupid mouth.  This is the time for Twila to play.the.game!  And how damn inappropriate and judgmental is it of you to sit there and tell Twila to act more like a woman?  What does that even mean?  Yeah, now that we’re done telling men not to box us in, it’s time for us to tell other women how to act! 

Ami: “It feels nice to have someone else French-braid your hair.”

Yeah, Twila, what’s your problem?  Why can’t you just let those girls braid your hair, pluck your eyebrows and do your nails?  Don’t you know that’s what women want?  What are you, a man?

Ami, just – shut up.  And it’s too damn bad you can’t be voted off now, you insolent tool.

Again, the Alliance of the Young is broken and Mia, not Twila, is voted off.  This time, it was Lisa who broke ranks. 

In her last voiceover, Mia says she hopes Twila will be voted out soon because she’s a “deceitful” person who lacks “the social skills to play this game.”  Right, except for the fact that Twila never hid her displeasure with you from anyone, least of all from you, and that this game requires more cunning than social skills.  Or maybe that’s what I like and, since I’m writing this, who cares about you?


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Brady thinks fishing will help him; Lisa tells Eliza she doesn’t trust her;  Eliza has a new name for Lisa.