SURVIVOR VANUATU – EP. 02:

• The men try a new rub.
• Gay is catching.
• Vanuatu is to prison as prison is to freedom.
• Scout is a misnomer.
• Dolly takes it in the a…rm.

Last Week On Survivor - Spears!  Natives!  Jeff!  Greasy poles!  Stones!  Jeff!  Beams!  Lava!  Canoes!  Jeff!


Lopevi, Day 4 - The men huddle around a circle of rocks and wish their, erm, stones could make fire.  They’re also really hungry and begin to ration worms.  Mmm, protein.

In an effort to “boost [their] morale,” the men decide to rub sticks together and make smoke.  Five “dudes” later, the moss mocks them.  Fire laughs in the distance.


Yasur, Day 4 -  The women put their collective HoYay to work, hop on each other’s shoulders and machete the hell out of a tree to get fruit.  They also have fire, but the Bitching Gene kicks in anyway and they complain about the water and about how wet and cold it is on the beach and the rain and blah, blah, blah, grumble, grumble, grumblecakes.

Eliza: ”I think someone was saying last night that being here is like being in prison.”

Yeah, being a convict is just like being on a island, free to make an ass out of yourself while vying for a million bucks. 

Dolly, a sheep farmer who looks as if she really should be on the mountains with Heidi, weeps over the sautéed maggots.


Lopevi -  J.P. assesses the tribe and decides he, John and Brady are “the physical, young, vibrant guys” and that’s a disadvantage because the other guys are five fat slobs who can team together and blob the pretty right off the island.

Travis thinks J.P.’s “great looks” are a threat and, though he mumbles something about his kids and his wife, I really think he’s trying to say he can’t sleep next to a good-looking guy without reassessing his choices – if you know what I mean, and I think you do.


The Reward Challenge – Oh, look: it’s a beam again.  The teams will have to get each of their members from one end to the other and, in order to do that, they’ll have to – gasp! – touch each other.  When Jeff explains that they “cannot touch more than one person at a time” while traveling the beam, the men look relieved ‘cause they’ve all heard the Gay-By-Touching stories and they’ll have none of that, thank you.

Playing for blankets and pillows, both teams begin to move; the first man falls into the water so quickly I almost miss the comical look of horror on his face when his chest brushes against J.P.’s, but there is no way for me to miss the “oh god I’m going to vomit!” expression frozen on J.P.’s face when he realizes the guy traveling the beam is his same height and chest-brushing will therefore be the least of his concerns. 

Unlike the men, the women don’t suffer from Lethal Terror caused by HoYay!Touch and they go on to easily win their second challenge.


Lopevi – Dejected, the men walk single file back to camp; Rory complains that the women have no class because they celebrated their victory by dancing and that’s the devil’s work.  Gosh, you guys would never, ever thump your chests that way and even Lea the drill sergeant knows that, right?  Right?  Hoo-ah!


Yasur, Day 5 – The women take a break from combing each other’s hair – no, really – to go Rambo on a chicken’s ass;  Lea follows one with a machete, which she then passes to Twila when it’s time to kill it.  Suddenly, Twila remembers she’s a girl, gives God props for sending meat their way, apologizes to the chicken for what she’s about to do and then fucks up the sacrifice.  The chicken flies off, but Twila finds five eggs, so let’s call it a draw.

Back at camp, the pot with the boiling eggs tips over.  Chicken: 1.  Women: 0.

On a rock, Ami discusses her tribe and the demarcation that has formed between the “younger” and the “older” women; on a separate rock, Twila asserts she has an alliance with Ami, Scout and LeAnn and the only person about whom they have to worry is Dolly because “she is the pivot person in the middle.”  Oh, you mean she’s the black sheep?  ‘Cause she’s a sheep farm…oh, never mind.


Lopevi, Day 5 – The men wax poetic about the Spirit Stone and the good luck it’s supposed to bring them; Chad says they’ve decided to stop neglecting it and “give it more respect,” so they tie it to a pole and stick it in the sand.  Just like the night they won it, it begins to rain, something which prompts Rory to declare that “there is magic on this island.”  That, and clouds.


The Immunity Challenge – Is it just me, or does that idol look like it’s wearing a bra around its pelvis?  Anyway – each tribe must choose a “set of eyes” who will direct the others to retrieve a number of puzzle pieces while blindfolded and tied together.  Once all the pieces are on the mat, the blindfolds will be removed and the puzzle assembled.

Scout and Lea (I swear to you: Lea is a man!) are chosen to be The Eyes; Scout does not seem to understand that gesticulating in front of someone who is blindfolded doesn’t actually help and is happy to let her teams slam into the puzzle pieces they manage to find despite her sucky directions.  While the last team retrieves the remaining piece from the water, one Scout had previously said was not there, the men put their puzzle together and win their first challenge.  Just as Rory predicted, the men have class and opt not to celebrate their victory.  Oh, wait.


Yasur – On the beach, Julie and Dolly feel each other out – but not in any of the ways we’d like to see.  At camp, Dolly lets Ami and Scout know that the younger crowd agrees LeAnn should be the one to go, followed by Eliza.  LeAnn?  That’s funny, ‘cause I could have sworn that Scout was the one who held up the team during the first challenge and the one who just fucked up immunity by giving crappy directions.  Oh, the brain on you girls!

Back on the beach, Ami discusses Dolly’s intentions with Eliza and LeAnn; the three speculate that, perhaps, they ought to send Dolly back to her sheep.  Away from the rest, Eliza wonders whether she should stick with her Alliance of the Lazy and vote for LeAnn or do the smart thing and backdoor Dolly instead.


Tribal Council – Prompted by Jeff, Scout says that she feels as if she “blew” the challenge – and you did, you tool! – but she won’t allow herself to wallow in he failure because that would make her feel like the loser that she really is and, well, that would suck.

For her part, Dolly thinks she’s so well-liked that it might become a problem, especially since she knows the power is in her hands and, gosh, pissing off people in this game can come back to bite you in the ass.

No, really? 


The Tribe Has Spoken – Dolly, you are the weakest link: goodbye.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Mia fights with Twila; Rory won’t take orders from Lea; both Yasur and Lopevi will go to Tribal Council.