SURVIVOR VANUATU – THE FINALE

• The sun rises.
• The volcano erupts.
• The sun sets.
• The volcano erupts.
• Rinse.
• Repeat.
• Hang to dry.
• Don’t forget your parachute.

Previously on Survivor – Episodes 1 to 13 in less than 10 minutes.  Oh, sure: way to make a recapper feel appreciated!  Bastards.


Alinta, Night 36 – Twila continues her charm offensive and tells Eliza she’s still on the island because she knows how to ride coattails.  That may be, but the only difference between you and Eliza, Twila, is that you know how to wrestle a pig and I’m not so sure that makes you any more qualified to be in the Final Four.  And let’s not get into how Scout has made it this far or I’ll have to break something.  Again.

Eliza: “I think Twila is a dumb bitch.”

I think the sky is blue.  Oh, we’re not sharing the obvious?  Mmk.

Eliza: “But then tomorrow, assuming you’re still going to stick with an alliance to me – “
Chris: “That’s never changed: what I did today was for our alliance.”
Eliza: “I believe you.”

Oh, Eliza: you’re dumber than a blind rock in a paper bag.


Alinta, Day 37 – Eliza is talking about – forget it: I can’t concentrate with that permanent Ash Wednesday thing in the middle of her forehead.


Immunity Challenge Number 1 – It’s a maze – and it’s vertical.  It also comes with crawl spaces, wooden tiles, twine, letters and an anagram that eventually spells out Final Three.  Hey, I’m just relieved it doesn’t spell out Pringles, Folgers or Pontiac.  Oh - Chris wins immunity.

Back at camp, Scout sends Eliza to get something so she, Twila and Chris can gloat about their positions in the game.  Though Chris reveals that Twila annoys him, he tells her that Eliza was “trying to make [her] look bad.”  I don’t think Twila needs anyone’s help to look like a schizophrenic ass, but OK.

Chris: “Just wait until half an hour before and then ride her like a dog.”

Haven’t you heard?  Twila isn’t into that sort of thing: she’d rather take her sin with an Oath Twist.


Tribal Council Number 1 – Jeff is so excited that Chris has “overcome” the Great Balance Beam Embarrassment that he jumps a little on his tree stump; he settles down long enough to comment on the budding friendship between Eliza and Chris and, while she gushes about him, the Bench of Majestic HoYay silently snickers at her sunny stupidity.

Jeff notices that Scout seems pretty comfortable and she agrees, saying that she’d be shocked if she were voted out, but she’d “grab [her] torch and walk out.”  Oh, I don’t know: what about the bum knee?  You’d probably crawl all the way to the other side of the bridge while singing some folksy shit or another – and that’s reason enough for me to hope you’ll make it.


The Tribe Has Spoken – Whom will Chris screw this time?  Oh, why bother remixing a winning formula: Eliza, there is something wrong with your torch.

In her voiceover, Eliza says she’s shocked and disappointed – and Chris has given her heart a very big boo boo.  Yeah, sniffity sniff and all that, you tool.


Alinta, Night 37 – This just in: “There is a merciful God.”  Oh, Scout: please come closer so I can show you what else a merciful God can do when He gets sick and tired of being brought into our personal shit.

Scout: “This night is beautiful because it’s quiet.  There is no Eliza noises in camp.”

You sent in for that PhD via mail, right?


Alinta, Day 38 -  Oh, crap: it’s time for the Walk Amongst The Ruins While Giving Thanks To Those Who Came Before.

 

Well, fuck that: I’m going to go build a mall with Q-Tips™ and Popsicle sticks while that plays out.


Final Immunity Challenge – Strike the warrior pose and keep it or you’ll pierce the marker.  Go on, plant your feet, endure the pain and - oh, bye Scout!  After 1 hour and 7 minutes of ridiculous “if you talk with Scout, then what am I?” double talk, Twila stumbles and Chris wins immunity.


Alinta, still Day 38 – If Twila had won immunity, would she have stuck to her deal and brought Chris to the Final Two?  I know you’re just dying to find out, dying!

Twila: “Chris and I, we had an agreement for the final two.  If he won, he would take me; if I won, I would take him.  I don’t know if he will now because I feel maybe he thinks I tried to hang into that challenge just so I could take Scout with me.  But it’s not true.  I wasn’t trying to win it for Scout: I was trying to win it for me.  For me, my own self.”

Bob Dole is a man of principle.  Bob Dole is – oh, sorry.  So, what you’re saying, Twila, is that you’re playing the game for your own benefit?  You mean to tell me you didn’t sign up just so, at the last minute, you could hand the pot of gold to someone else?  Well, that’s unexpected: I wonder if the sun will rise tomorrow or decide to hand the moon a hall pass.


Tribal Council Number 2 – Must I pretend to give a rat’s ass about Jeff’s oh so incisive questions?  How about Chris’ hand-wringing over which promise he should break this time?  But let’s do pay attention to The Bench Of Majestic HoHay and Eye Shadow.  Ami, what the fuck is that thing on your head?

Chris: “I respect the way Scout got to this point of the game.”

Chris, party of one.


Chris Has Spoken - Respect will get one far in this game – far, as in out to sea: Chris decides to take Twila to the Final Two and, to thank him, Scout’s open mouth intercepts his lips.  Holy mango, that’s revolting!  Lemme play it again.  Yup, still gross.  One more time…well, now it’s just grotesque.  I’m going to replay the lip lock until I reach disgust, then mystification.  Oops, nope: I’m back at being revolted.

In her voiceover, Scout says she played the game with “loyalty and integrity” until that just became too damn hard and screwing people over seemed like a much more fun alternative.


Alinta, Day 39 – Chris and Twila agree they both pissed people off but, more importantly, they decide they won’t “take any crap” from the Seven Benched Losers and, when I say ‘they decide,’ I mean Chris agrees with himself that he’ll let Twila hang herself with the jury.


The Final Tribal Council – And not a moment too soon.

Chris thinks he deserves to win because he was alone with six women and he overcame those odds.  Well – ok, pumpkin: We The Women Of The Earth do thereby decree that being The Last Man Standing With Six Women entitles you to a lollypop.  Go on, suck.

For her part, Twila believes she deserves to win because she played the game to, erm, win and playing the game to lose is for losers.  Christ, this final tribal is going to kill me.

Ah, there is nothing like the smell of bitterness by a campfire: Eliza rants at both the “deceptive, lying bitch[es],” but she resents Chris more because she knew Twila was a deceptive lying bitch while Chris seemed more like a hapless nincompoop.  Apologize to Eliza for being deceptive lying bitches, you deceptive lying bitches!  Screw that, Twila says.  And Chris?  Chris decides to kiss Eliza’s ass and she falls for it.  Again.  Dumb.As.A.Rock. 

Julie looks at Chris and tears up because he played the brother/sister card and she believed in it and she was adopted, damn it, and you don’t do that to adopted kids!  Well, that’s just a guess on my part, but let’s pretend it’s true.  Chris wrings his hands and, boo hoo, he did it all before he realized he’d be voting her out and he’s so, so sorry.  Really, he’s sorry.  He lied and he’s sorry, sorry, sorry.

Chris: “I didn’t play you, Julie: I lied to you.”

Well, that’s different.  Julie, get over it: all he did was lie, not play you.

Leann, Ami and Sarge build on the Twila Is a Lying Skunk theme; Sarge in particular, who had previously stated he’d go out for dinner and beer with her, says he never wants to see Twila again and, by the way, if his mother were on an island full of active volcanoes and were to swear on his name and lie, he’d tell her to kiss his ass and make her drink lava.

Finally, it’s Scout’s turn: she praises Twila’s lack of diplomatic skills and tells Chris he’s a bullshitter.  Well, eventually we all say something that makes sense.


The Jury Has Spoken - Hang on while Jeff hacks his way through the forest for a few hours, boards a plane, flies to Hawaii and then to California, straps the thing with the votes to his back, sky dives back to earth and rides a bike all the way to Hollywood.  What the fuck is this, The Amazing Race, only less scenic and without the abusive spouses?

And we’re live!  And no, I am not going to recap the reunion.  I have standards, damn it.  They’re somewhere and I’m going to, huh, find them.  Soon.  And the winner is – the mullet!  Oy.  With a vote of 5-2 (Ami and Scout), Chris wins the game because lying and then lying about the lying is better than lying and then refusing to coat the lies with bullshit.

See you on the other side of the ponytail.