SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 13:

• Twila is sorry.
• And cranky.
• Then she’s sorry again.
• But cranky is better.
• Scout is sarcastically incompetent.
• Eliza plots and dreams.
• Chris is the reaper.

Previously on Survivor – Julie stared – and the Gay Aura of Sexual Enticement walked the plank to the other side of the rainbow.


Alinta, Night 33 – Twila is sorry, so very, very, very sorry she ever took that oath in her son’s name but, really, she’s sorrier that both Ami and Eliza mentioned it and made their disgust known to everyone within a three-mile radius.

Twila: “The only one I’ve got to condone with or say anything to is my son when I get home.  The rest of you motherfuckers can kiss my fucking ass.”

What, did you think I was going to be as lame as CBS as bleep any of that?  And Twila, your son might condone the Oath of Crappitude you took in his name, but the ‘c’ word you’re looking for is “contend.”

Long after everyone has dropped the matter, Twila starts pointing fingers and tells Julie to “let it go.”  Hum, Twila?  Julie has not said a word since Day 30.

Eliza: “She’s the one who did it: if you can’t live with your past actions, then you shouldn’t have done it.”

Yes, excellent, but please, please, please stop talking to the camera after sunset: with the greenish glow of night vision lenses, your skeletal frame and Opossum Eyes of Freakitude make me want to jump into the mouth of the volcano.


Reward Challenge – They’ve run out of *cough* original *cough* ideas, so this is a mix of challenges past: the mud pit, the pig pen, the tiki puzzle, the balance beam and the sling shot cum fire. 

Julie slingshots her way to victory and chooses to take Chris for the hot dogs and beer.  Remember when it was Julie and Leann who slurped on that green hump they told us was a volcano?  Sniff.  HoYay, I love you. 

On the way to Yassur, Chris transfers his suckitude onto the horse, who promptly refuses to cross a stream.  In fact, he refuses as many times as Chris fell off the beam during the very first challenge.  After a few hot dogs, the talk turns to the game: Julie tries to convince Chris to join a new alliance of three – the two of them plus Eliza – to vote off Twila, an idea to which he’s open but which he’ll certainly nix once he realizes he could reach the final challenges with two older players – Twila and Scout – instead of two younger ones who could kick his ass.


Alinta – Eliza wants a banana, but Twila won’t tell her where she’s buried them so they’ll ripen on time for breakfast.

Scout: “You want a banana, little one?”

You want to patronize Eliza a little more, you bumbling jackass?  Apparently, you do!  Scout tells Eliza that Twila the Banana Keeper has decreed it’s not yet time for her to have the fruit and she can just go chew on her elbow instead.  A crisscrossing series of accusations later, Eliza stomps off muttering that she’ll go bury the rest of the bananas and won’t tell them where they are, either.

Scout: “Touché.  She got you!  She got you, Twila!”

Wow, you really are a moron!


Alinta, Day 35 – As soon as he’s back at camp, Chris lets Scout know that nothing has changed – and why should anything be different?  Her bum knee has not magically healed during the night and she’s still the most convenient person to bring along to the final stages of the game.  However, once he’s on the beach with Eliza, Chris mentions he’s worried about the apparent bond between Scout and Twila and agrees with Eliza that saving Julie would automatically guarantee each of them a spot in the final three.

Gee, I wonder how this will turn out: will Chris want to continue the game with Scout and Twila or with Julie and Eliza?  Yeah, I’m sure he’s really torn.


Immunity Challenge – It’s story time and then?  Pop quiz! 

 

There once was a man

Who conquered some land

And united the people

With talk that was bland

 

The people revolted

The chief was uprooted

To his men they gave Kava

To the women the lava

Ceremony completed

And undesirables depleted

The bodies were buried

And the names were not carried

Eliza is the first to correctly answer the five questions about the story and wins immunity.  Oh, if only you could bring that intellect of yours to the game and actually strategize, Eliza…


Alinta – Under a tree, Eliza posits that she and Chris will shock and awe Twila and get her ass out of the game.  Eliza?  Chris is never, ever, going to allow Julie to stay on this island and you?  You’ll be next to go, so I hope you really did bury those bananas.

Twila the Banana Keeper overhears a conversation between Eliza and Chris and Eliza, fast thinker that she is, decides she’ll make Twila forget all about it by calling her a liar.  Ok, so when I said Eliza should strategize, I should have been more specific.

Eliza: “You’ve been trying to plot against me since day one.”
Twila: “You’ve been on the edge for the last three freaking days: you’re driving everybody freaking nuts.  Chill out.”

Are you kidding?  No, seriously: are you fucking kidding?  Shut up, Twila: you’re getting more annoying and obnoxious by the second.


Tribal Council – Prodded by Jeff, Twila agrees that not every person in the final five actually deserves to be there – and that’s a fair assessment since neither she nor Scout should have made it this far.  Though Eliza is right to point out that anyone who has reached this point is automatically deserving, one wonders whether playing well only one aspect of the game should actually qualify anyone to be a potential survivor – and when I say ‘one wonders,’ I mean I do.

Chris wishes he didn’t have to cast a vote at all because “it’s the toughest vote yet” and he feels “kinda caught in the middle.”  Oh boo hoo.  Yeah, I’m sure your repeated and contradictory promises to Julie, Scout and Twila have nothing to do with your predicament.


The Tribe Has Spoken – Scout casts her vote for Julie and recommends that she go “back to [her] roots.”  What?!?!?  Scout, you pompous ass: put down the bong.

Eliza keeps her promise and votes for Twila, but Chris could only keep one of the twenty five promises he made during the last three days and Julie is sent to join the Bench of Pretty HoYay.

In her voiceover, Julie says that Chris sucks as a crutch.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  The end