SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 12:

• Ami is pissed off.
• Julie stares at a tree.
• Twila is pissed off.
• Julie stares at a bush.
• Scout plays Den Mother, but she’s just as pissed off.
• Julie stares at a leaf.
• Eliza is pissed off.
• Julie stares at the fire.
• Chris sits back and watches.
• Julie stares at her feet.

Previously on Survivor – Revelations, puzzles and lesbian locations.


Alinta, Night 30 – Back from tribal council, Ami confronts Twila about her vote after she had sworn on her son’s life that she would maintain her original alliance.  Scout mumbles that Ami is “putting Twila down,” something on which Twila expands by accusing Ami and Leann of “acting high and mighty” during the game. 

Ami: “I totally got a little cocky.  Totally.  Because I knew I had people I could trust.”

Well, you were wrong there.  Totally.

Away from the fire, Twila tells the camera that “people like [Ami] piss [her] off because they think they’re so much better than everybody else.”  You’re still pissed off about Braidgate, aren’t you?  I sided with you then, Twila, but you can’t pick a fight with Ami for what you perceive to be her lack of values when you swore on your son’s life your word was good and then theorized that God would forgive you for it if you were to win the million bucks.


Reward Challenge – It’s product placement time again: Jeff drives himself to the beach and announces that not only will the winner get the Pontiac, but the first three will also drive themselves to “a Vanuatu ocean-side resort.”  I’m beginning to think Vanuatu is not such a remote location after all…

The challenge – and I can barely contain my excitement it’s so original - includes swimming, outrigger canoes, floating platforms and balance beams.  At the end of the obstacle course, diving!  To get flags!  Three of them!  First to bring all three flags back to the beach wins the car and gets to take Loser Number One and Loser Number Two to the spa.

From the beginning, Eliza and Ami are practically tied; Chris is third and Scout is still on the beach.  On the way back with the third flag and still in the lead, Ami falls twice, thus allowing Eliza to win the reward.  Tied for third place, Chris and Julie agree they both want to win; unfortunately for her, Julie falls on the way back and, in the process, slams her face on the outrigger canoe.  At the beam, Chris falls because tradition?  It’s important.  Still, he has the bigger kick coming out of the water and wins the third spot at the spa.

After their showers, Ami wastes no time and immediately sets to work on Eliza; she apologizes for having voted for her and for having been “pulled into Scout and Twila’s nastiness.”  Eliza is quick to forgive her and adds that she, like Ami, doesn’t like the way Scout talks to her.

Eliza: “She stopped talking down to me oh, about yesterday, when she needed my vote.”

So, you didn’t buy it when Scout said you had to be taken out first because you’re the smartest of them all?  Did you think that was, oh, I don’t know – patronizing?

At dinner, Ami decides that strategy talk would be a good digestive and tells Chris and Eliza that she realizes they want her gone, but that it would be smarter to “break up Scout and Twila.”  Eliza does some quick math and realizes there will be four players in the Final Four anyway – no, really? – but Chris disagrees, believing it advantageous to get there with Scout and Twila as opposed to Ami because Ami?  She’s the Power Player with the Gay, Lesbian, Homosexual Aura of Enticement.

In bed and in the dark, Eliza’s opossum eyes freak me out.

Again, chatter returns to the game; Ami asserts that she’s saved Eliza from being voted out several times and that listening to her saying that neither Twila nor Scout have ever written down her name makes her “want to puke.”

Ami: “Every single time, I’ve had your back.  Every single vote.”

Yeah - except for the last one.

Still, Eliza does remember that Ami has indeed saved her ass several times and begins to grow angry with her decision to join a new alliance, but Ami just rolls over and goes to sleep, leaving Eliza to twirl her hair and blink the night away.


Alinta, Day 32 – After a sniffing session, Ami and Eliza decide that grooming each other like monkeys is preferable to helping Scout gather wood: after all, Skirted Da might come back and their eyebrows need to be perfect just in case.  Who cares about boiling water and keeping warm?  It’s all about the plucking.

Picking up on her irritation, Ami, Julie and Eliza surmise that Scout must feel “humiliated” that she can’t keep up.

Ami: “I think that she’s irritated with me for some reason, whether it’s because she’s older and I’m younger and I still have my body and she – I don’t know what it is, but after tribal council the other night, Scout has gotten me pissed off.”

And that’s reason enough to turn spiteful, right?  Scout couldn’t possibly dislike you for reasons not at all related to your age and fitness, Ami.  Why, you’re a model of congeniality and warmth!

Ami: “The chance that Scout might be in the top two makes me sick.”

See?  Congenial and warm!  And telling Scout to get “her own damn blanket” reinforces that point.  Also?  It makes you a jackass.


Immunity Challenge – It’s Vanuatu Shuffleboard time, otherwise known as Ami Must Win or Her Ass Will Be Grass.  After three rounds, none of Scout’s pieces have landed on any of the islands on the map: I guess her bad knee is interfering with her arm.  Oh, if only it were six years ago…

In the fourth round, Ami knocks herself off the board and Chris wins immunity.  Bye bye, Gay Aura.


Alinta – Twila gets to work on Eliza to try and keep her in the fold because she knows that “Ami has the power.  She’s got the wit and the power to do it.”  Don’t forget the Alluring Aura of Gay Greatness, Twila.

Around the fire, Ami tells Eliza that she’s saved her ass “five million times - ” and that’s hard to do when there have only been twelve tribal councils.

Eliza has reservations because she “like[s] Ami a lot” and she, like Julie, has been a friend to her since the beginning of the game.  Plus, she’s sick of Scout because she’s “gotten the pillow every single night.”  The whattywhatswhat?  I’ve no idea what this pillow thing is and I don’t care, but if she’s gotten it every time, then off with her head! 


Tribal Council – Ami lights up as soon as she sees Leann, something I’m sure she’ll have to explain to Crissy when she gets home – and Jeff makes matters worse by pointing out that Ami seemed shocked when Leann was voted out.

Ami: “Yeah, I was shocked.  I thought I was gonna go home and sleep with Leann.”

Yeah, I’m thinking the tape will break right before this part, won’t it Ami?

Jeff asks Scout why Chris is still there since she was the one who had told him she wanted to keep the women together and strong.

Jeff: “Clearly, the women have not stayed strong.”

No, they’ve not – and that’s why there are five women and one man left.

Scout: “My desire was to find out what would happen if the women would stay strong and would stay together but, once we merged, several of us weren’t able to play the game.  We were sitting ducks.”

No, you weren’t.  If the women’s alliance had remained what it was originally meant to be, none of the women would have been vulnerable until the last of the men had been voted out first.  Ami might have manipulated the game – and before people go into a frenzied tizzy about that, let’s all remember manipulation is part and parcel of Survivor – but her objective was always to arrive at the end with women.  And, Scout, she’s kept you in the game: if Ami had not been there, you would have been voted out at the first tribal council.  But - this is a game of opportunity as much as anything else: criticizing a changing and evolving strategy would just be stupid.

Ami, again, brings up Twila’s lie and she defends herself by saying that, damn it, she’s not the only person who has lied in this game.

Twila: “Get over it.  Grow up, get on with it: you’ve been had.  Screw you.”

Bwah!  Best Fuck.You.Evah!

Ami: “You can lie all you want and that is part of this game, but to bring in the one thing you say is the most sacred thing to you in the world, the only thing that matters, the only thing that makes your heart really beat, and then you lie on it, that to me is not worth a million dollars.  That is not worth a gazillion dollars.”

A bit sanctimonious but, shit, it’s hard to argue with that.

Eliza gets into the discussion and sides with Ami, adding she’d really miss her if she were to be voted out because – well, because Ami makes her feel good about herself and that’s, like, totally awesome.  Totally.


The Tribe Has Spoken – Casting her vote for Scout, Ami makes an interesting comment.

Ami: “Scout, you’re really good at hiding your nasty side but, when your true colors come out, you’re not part of any rainbow I’ve ever seen.”

I’ve noticed quite a few people have taken Ami’s comment to mean that Scout ought to be voted out of the Lesbian Tribe.  Ami quite clearly means that Scout’s nasty side is dark – or black, take your pick - and, last time I checked, that’s not part of a rainbow.  Only a brainless macaque would interpret that remark any other way – or a homophobic prick who doesn’t think gay people can utter the words ‘triangle,’ ‘rainbow’ and ‘lambda’ without meaning something ho·mo·sex·u·al.

During her vote, Scout announces that “queens get dethroned and lightning will strike a lone tree on top of a mountain faster than anything.”

Oh, yeah?  That’s also how riff raff like you gets to survive longer – and without merit.

Ass-kissing and sister bonding notwithstanding, Eliza votes to oust Ami. 

In her voiceover, Ami says she wishes she could hold Twila “under water for two minutes” and her integrity?  “It’s still complete.”  Well, if you think that whacking someone who pisses you off is standing on principles, then I guess your integrity cannot be called into question.  Ahem.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Eliza and Twila play the calling game.