SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 11:

• Chris reveals Scout’s Whole Plan.
• Jeff reveals a surprise.
• Scout lies.
• Jeff reveals a surprise.
• Eliza’s mother reveals her bra.
• Jeff reveals a surprise.
• Twila lies.
• Jeff reveals a surprise.

Previously on Survivor – Scout had a Plan.  And it was Whole.


Alinta, Night 27 – The volcano erupts.  And erupts.  And erupts some more ‘cause, well, what else is there to do on this island?

Once again, Chris plants seeds of discord by revealing that, prior to the vote, Twila and Scout approached him and proposed an alliance to get rid of Eliza.  For once, Eliza opens her mouth and nothing comes out.


Reward Challenge – Wait, where are the beams and the ladders and the water?  We can’t have a challenge without those, Jeff!  Oh, fine: do the stupid memory game.  The reward is not lame, though: it’s a chat with “a loved one” or, as Jeff puts it, “a one hour, real time, e-mail back and forth.  You can type something, they can type back to you.”  Jeff?  I know you’ve been on the island for 28 days so you might not know about this new technology thing, but it’s called Instant Messaging.  Also, Twila doesn’t know how to type – and isn’t it fortuitous that you just happen to have the Penis Cam right there with you?

Before the challenge, everyone gets a one-minute chat: Twila cams it up with her son, Leann with her “I love you, baby” best friend – yeah, I’m thinking Leann will get a “roommate” when she gets home…Eliza shrieks as soon as she sees her mother, Julie pals it up with Unibrow, Scout gets her partner, Annie - whose affected voice is so annoying I throw a shoe at her TV face to make it stop – Chris chats with his girlfriend Laurie and Ami gets to see her girlfriend Crissy. 

Challenge time – and the Penis Cam Chat goes to Eliza: it figures that the only person who was jonesing to talk with a parent would be the one to win the reward.   Pfft.  But wait: her mom is actually there!  And just when I think it’s safe to turn the sound back on because, surely, the shrieking teeth-off must be over, I catch the MoYay and turn the TV off.  Set back on, Jeff reveals that Eliza actually won an overnight visit with her mother while the others get a one-minute hug with their respective cam buddies.  Crissy and Ami’s hug has the Lingering Significant Look of Let’s Get To The Yay part of things, so Laurie runs out to give Chris a proper, cheek-smacking kiss and heterosexuality gets to live another day.  Whew!


Alinta, Day 28 – Sitting on a rock, Eliza’s mom lists all the things she’s been worrying about.

Susan: “I was worried about bugs, I was worried about parasites, I was worried that [Eliza] wouldn’t be flossing every day, I was worried about Ebola virus […].”

Wow, how the hell did you get from flossing to a potentially deadly virus?  Mothers: they’re a different species.

Back at camp, Ami and Leann chat with Scout about Chris’ revelations in re The Whole Plan and she passes the buck to Chad because, well, he’s not there anymore.

Scout: “When I came out here I was determined to play the game with integrity and honesty and truth and, if that didn’t work, then I’d lie, cheat and steal.  We’ve now reduced ourselves to the ‘lie, cheat and steal’ part.”

You’ve been playing the game?  What with the other women carrying you and you passing on the challenges, I must have missed it.  And who knew that Bob Dole’s manic obsession with referring to himself in the third person would spread all the way to Vanuatu?  Of course, in this instance, it goes from the third person singular to the second person plural – because this is Scout’s Lesbian Commune version of the disease. 

Back at camp, Scout tells Ami and Leann that the plan was “Chad’s idea and that is the God’s honest truth.”  Where oh where is a deadly volcanic eruption when you  need one?  And why is it that liars and bigots always use that line to justify their shit?  Oh, wait.

Ami and Leann contend they never said anything about the final four, something to which the God-invoking liar takes great umbrage.  I don’t actually remember any such conversation, but I can’t remember what I had for brekkie two days ago and am much to lazy to check previous recaps, so that’s that.


Alinta, Day 29 – During yet another mayak expedition, Twila swears on her son’s name, “and you all know how much I love that boy,” that’s she’s with Ami and Leann “100% - but maybe if I won one million dollars, God will forgive me.”  Yes Twila, God really cares about money: why else would the Church sell indulgences?  It’s not as if dispensing them pissed off Martin Luther, caused a split in the Catholic Church and was the chief reason for the Protestant Reformation.  Oh, wait.

I have no problem with lying and cheating to win a game like this, but I do get irritated when people swear and genuflect and promise and whatevercakeselse in order to be believed: if you’re going to lie, then lie, but leave the rest out of it.


Immunity Challenge – Chris predicts he’ll win immunity, which means he won’t and I’ll have to actually watch the challenge.  This time around, comes with a twist.  I know: it’s shocking.  The “loved ones” are back to help, though they’ll do so with color-coding and blindfolds.  And guess what?  It’s a puzzle!  Oh goody: we haven’t seen one of those since, erm, the last time.

Crissy gets to her three puzzle pouches first because lesbians know everything there is to know about location, rewards and proper encouragement. 

Ami: “Come straight to my voice, baby.  I love you.  Now drop the bag!”

Heh.  Ami wins immunity.


Alinta, Day 30 – The women go into the woods to try and decide whom to boot off the island; Leann feels that, on principle, the women’s alliance should stick together and Chris should go but, at the same time, believes that he deserves to be around more than Eliza, so they agree she should leave.  But the volcano is spewing ash and, where there is ash, there is soot.  While gathering wood, Twila tells Chris that he has “the key to the game” and that key is Eliza: with her, Scout and Twila, a new 4-member voting bloc would emerge, leaving Ami, Julie and Leann in the minority for the first time since the beginning of the game.  Finally someone’s noticed this very simple fact: too bad no one put 3 and 2 together a few days ago when Chad was still on Vanuatu. 


Tribal Council – Jeff notices that, once again, Eliza has brought her bag and is therefore becoming “the girl who cried ‘wolf’.”  Hey, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you!

Chris agrees that there is tension in the tribe because he’s with “six women.  Six women.  There’s tension between the six women.  I don’t care what anybody says: I can see and feel the tension.”

So, what: Alinta is the Rubber Band Tribe? 

Chris: “Whether it be them playing the game or strategizing or figuring out who they want to go home next, there’s always that feeling that, you know, something is going on.  Not all of them are always agreeing.”

Well, that’s just outrageous: aren’t women supposed to be of one mind and one heart and have only one opinion?  You mean to tell me that women aren’t all the same?  No fucking way!


The Tribe Has Spoken – A new alliance emerges and Leann is sent packing.

In her voiceover, Leann is floored, flabbergasted, flummoxed and all kinds of other stuff that starts with ‘f.’


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Bitterness, recriminations and surprises.