SURVIVOR VANUATU – EPISODE 10:

• Scout has a plan.
• The natives dance.
• Scout still has a plan.
• The children sing.
• Scout has a whole plan.
• Twila bites the rope.
• Scout’s Whole Plan crashes and burns.
• Ami’s Powerful Gay Aura reappears.

Previously on Survivor – Eliza seethed; Sarge was cranky; Babe didn’t turn into Bacon…

…and I was bored.


Alinta, Night 24 – Chris is a dumb ass: how can he possibly think anyone is going to believe that Lea asked him to vote him out?  Not to mention that all of the women are going to see right through his pathetic attempt to align himself with them – except for Scout, but that’s because she’s as dumb as a rock.  Sorry, rocks.


Alinta, Day 25 – Scout has a plan.  No, really: she does.  Does so!  Quit laughing so I can tell you what it is, damn it.

Scout: “The plan that I have would take out Eliza and take out Ami.”

Forgive me: Scout said she had a plan, but she clearly meant she had a dream.


Reward Challenge – Jeff gives Bacon a buff and than goes on one of his patented, drawn-out explanations of the challenge.  We get it, Jeff: obstacles!  Ropes!  Knots!  Hitching posts!

After lots of HoYay-rrific ass-grabs and mid-air acrobatics, Ami, Eliza, Chad and Chris win the reward, which will take them to another island to pig out – but not on Bacon.

Once there, Chris gives Bacon to the Chief and, in return, he gets another pig, Pork Chops.  Sitting on a bench, the foursome are treated to the original version of Stomp – really, how much more pillaging are we going to do? – which continues until the Chief looks about ready to die.  After the kava is served, a delectable combo of water, mud and liquor, Chad takes a nap while the others feast on rubbery chicken feet and cow something-or-rather.


Alinta, Night 25 and Day 26 – It’s a miserable night at camp, cold and rainy, and the women can’t stop whining about it: it’s an endless litany of complaints topped off by Scout blowing her nose right in her hands.  Survivor: bringing class back to prime time.

Once the rain stops, Scout makes her first move and tells the others that the rain is proof they need to get rid of Eliza and try to keep the men around a few more days so they can gather wood.  Yes, because we all know that men are the hunters and gatherers and women are from Venus or some other chick planet.  Scout?  You’re a donkey’s ass.

While the well-edited snake slithers past, Scout takes the guys aside and repeatedly asks them whether they want to hear “the plan, the whole plan.”  I don’t know: is it a long plan?

Scout: “We all want to get rid of Liza.  Like having a rattlesnake in your pocket.  So, we gotta keep Liza from getting immunity, anybody get immunity but Liza, and vote Liza off.  And then from there we gotta get rid of Ami immediately.  We gotta get Ami out because she is dangerous.”

Well.  Scout has a plan – and it is whole.  It’s a Whole Plan.  And it’s full of holes, starting with the immunity ‘what if?’ and passing right through men’s land.  Do you actually think the men will revere you and carry your useless ass the way the women have up to this point?  You’re not under the impression you’ve made it this far because of your skills and cunning, right?  Right?

Scout: “We’ll play ball with you guys because we think it will be a lot more fun.  […]  We just really love you guys.”

Hum, by ‘we,’ you must mean you, your bandana and those glasses you stole from Joan Baez in 1969.

Chris: “You question a woman’s character, you question a woman’s ability, she’ll snap your neck.  You open up your heart, you show a woman you’re vulnerable, then they start thinking with their heart.  That’s when they open up that back door.”

No, that’s when I go Weaver on your ass, you insufferable troglodyte.


Immunity Challenge – It’s ladders and dragons again.  What?  Oh, right: it’s ladders and posts.  Good god, what has creativity ever done to you, Burnett?

Julie loses her grip first, followed by Chris, Scout, Ami, Eliza, Leann and Chad – and Twila wins immunity.


Alinta – Ami wonders whether they should send Chad home; Scout advances her we-can-find-a-way-to-keep-the-guys-on-longer Whole Plan because “you just have to spend one night sitting in the pouring rain trying to keep the fire going to appreciate” them.  That old shit again?  Yeah, Ami is really going to buy it.  Shut the fuck up, Scout.

Ami and her Gay Aura of Magical Powers think Scout’s Whole Plan sucks because the guys might be able to win immunity a few times and that would make the women’s numbers dwindle.  Twila agrees and lets Scout know she thinks voting out Eliza “is stupid.”  Scout is undeterred because 2+2=4  and 4 is more than 3 and that means they have more votes and blah, blah, blahcakes.  Yeah, Scout – but 5 is 3 more than 2 – and that’s not even New Math.


Tribal Council – Leann says the rain makes her crazy ‘cause it burns!  It burns!  Scout argues there has been a reevaluation of the men’s value to the tribe while Julie, Leann, Ami and Eliza look on in semi-disbelief: I guess no one told them that men are rain fighters. 

Jeff asks Twila whether she’ll ever adjust to feeling as though she can’t fully trust anyone and she, again, says she feels stuck in the middle and that 0.01% seed of doubt is as big a pain in the ass as that infernal kernel you try to get out of your teeth the entire time you’re at the movies.

Ami: “I think that is such bullshit.  […]  I definitely know there are people I can trust and I know I can be trusted.”

Though this season has, thus far, been about as intriguing as a dead plant, I’ve been enjoying this new, let’s get-all-our-shit-out-in-the-open thing they’ve been doing at the usually dull and predictable and kumbaya-esque tribal councils.


The Tribe Has Spoken – Scout’s Whole Plan?  It sucked so much that not even she stuck to it, but Chad will read it next time he’s in the can.

In his voiceover, Chad muses that Ami’s Gay Aura of Magical Powers grabbed the women in a tantric grip of seduction – but he’s not sour or anything.


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  Chris stirs the pot; Julie and Leann confront Scout.