SURVIVOR VANUATU – EP. 01:

• Jeff takes on a volcano and pisses off the spirits of the dead.
• Cannibalism is IN, vegetarianism is so, so OUT.
• 18 strangers will form a new society or die trying to put up a roof.
• 39 days, 18 people, 1 survivor – and one cranky recapper.

On a Ship – 18 white people – what, they’re not all white?  Shut!Up! – look on horrified as “the natives” take to their paddles and canoe their way alee.  A bald man is shocked to discover that straw skirts do nothing to hide or prevent a Plummer’s Ass.  When Jeff arrives, they all break into relieved smiles and clap because Jeff?  He knows how to ride a canoe.  And he’s a white man.

Before they can set foot onto the island, the 18 castaways will have to participate in a ceremony and be invited onto the land; Mia explains the whole thing again, just in case we missed it when Jeff went over it.  Travis, who learned to swim only six weeks ago, is relieved they’ll be making the first trek on a canoe because, again he.can’t.swim.  Well, here’s to hoping you won’t capsize.  Oops!  Spoke too soon.

Paddling around the 18, “the natives” break out into their version of Row Row Row Your Boat; LeAnn declares the whole thing was just “overwhelming” and she was “moved to tears.”  LeAnn, start crying only when the oars hit your stupid ass, mmk?

Once ashore, “the natives” run toward the 18 brandishing their spears; J.P. wonders whether he should “defend himself.”  Definitely, J.P: defend yourself from me.


The Ritual – Once the men and women have been separated, Skirted Native Number One points to a bowl and clearly signals for the men to drink.  I say ‘clearly,’ but Lea the drill sergeant wonders whether SNNO wants him to “wash [his] fingers ‘cause it was some rustic-looking stuff.”  So, you can’t tell that’s not a finger bowl, but you know the word ‘rustic?’  Not that water can actually be ‘rustic.’

J.P. chimes back in to underscore that no one is offering rustic water to the women; naturally, he thinks that’s pretty damn cool because men?  They’re superior.  Ami mutters that she’s not used to being “put second behind a man,” which clearly means she’s one of those Feminazis and possibly a gay, homosexual lesbian who does it with other women.  Excellent.

It’s time for a pig roast and for Lisa to realize, as a new look of horror crosses her face, that the pig is not yet dead.  Well, that’s just horrible: why can’t these island people get civilized and get pork like the rest of us do and canoe their asses to the local Safeway?  Anyway – the Chief marks the men with pig blood and welcomes the 9 new warriors into the tribe.  The women look on while Jeff explains the men now have to climb a pole greased with fat to get to the spiritual stone; if they fail, the women will get it and the good luck it brings.  Also, the women will gladly take the men’s humiliation as a consolation prize.  Alas, Brady slinks his way up the pole – contain yourselves! – and fetches the stone.  As soon as he does, it beings to rain.

Travis: “As soon as he got that rock, it started raining like pouring pee out of a boot on a flat rock.”

Hey, who let Dan Rather onto the island?  More importantly, will he be sacrificed next for the good of the tribes?

After the men secure the stone – eh, poetic justice – Jeff brings out the red bandanas.  The men’s tribe will be called Lopevi and the women’s, under a yellow flag, will be known as the Yasur tribe.


Yasur – On their way to their new homes, the women stumble and fall and look like tools until Scout decides walking around in the dark is stupid and they should just “stop and visit.”  U-huh.  Would you like High Tea with that?


Lopevi – The men aren’t faring any better, though they’re certain none of them would ever, ever, miss the flag because they’re men and finding flags is what they do best.


Yasur – The women finally find their flag and, once morning comes, they begin to build shelter.  Well, three of them do while the others decide that, damn it, they’re on an island and they’re going to get a tan and a sand facial – and get the armpits while they’re at it, too.

Eliza: “Dude, are they building shelter now?”

Oh, you’ve noticed?  How about you and the other four get off your asses and help?

Eliza: “Twila has been working on the shelter constantly.  I feel like her continuous work has made those of us who have taken reasonable breaks look bad in her mind, to think that, ‘oh, they’re not pulling their weight.’”

Yeah, Twila: your work ethic is making the slackers look bad: how dare you?


Lopevi – The men try to get fire.  Next up?  The wheel.  And shock and consternation once Chad reveals he wears a prosthetic leg.  Brady thinks all the men are “screwed” because Chad is “nice and quiet” and has a “mechanical leg” and, in our society, people with handicaps always finish first.  Oh, wait: I was thinking of Star Trek.


The Reward/Immunity Challenge -  Let’s see: there is mud, a box maze with a ball that contains matches, a balance beam and fire-building.  The reward is flint.  And I’m not recapping the belly-scraping, high-beam tumbling, box-maze yelling and fire-building because watching it is a big, fat yawn. 

The women start to “make fire,” get it done before the men, grab the torch, run to the mat and win the first reward/immunity challenge.  I just cannot imagine what the men will say back at camp, but I’m sure none of them will feel miserable because the women won.  No way.


Lopevi – Brady says “losing was tough.”  Also, “losing to women was tough.”  What’s with men and their wound-licking every time they lose to women?  Save the bitching for when you’ll lose to primates without opposable thumbs!

Chris, who kept on falling off the beam, is naturally blamed for the loss.  You are the weakest link!  Goodbye.  Oh, wrong show.  But he is the weakest link, the men agree – except for Brady who, though he’s thinking about booting out Chris, also thinks Rory is a good candidate because he “is on his own sheet of music a lot of the time.”  Hell yeah, get rid of the independent thinkers!  You just can’t boss those people around, damn it.


Tribal Council – Lea – yes, I know, but he’s a man – tells Jeff that, during the challenge, he was thinking that Chris was killing them and, Jesús Cristo, what’s so damn hard about a beam anyway?

Lea: “All we've got to do is build a little fire, blow the torch and win over these – these females.”

I’m so disappointed in you, Lea.  You know, I think having a woman’s name has emasculated you, shrunk your balls and made you unable, for all your spit-balling and boister-ing, to say what you really wanted, which was not ‘females’ but ‘bitches’ or a derivative thereof.  You silly, silly [wo]man!

Speaking of women, Jeff brings them up, wonders what the men think of them, and lets them shine in all their unadulterated, modern thinking.  Brook – oh, you’re another one: just because your name doesn’t end in ‘e’ does not mean you’re less of a woman than Lea – says “a couple of the women” have “really nice tails,” though he was “impressed” by how “competitive” the women were.  That’s right, Brook: it’s amazing that those women who vied to make it onto Survivor would actually be competitive.  Who knows, maybe they’ll even give up knitting for the next 39 days.

Jeff: “J.P., you had to be a little surprised that nine women kicked you guys’ butt.”

That’s just stupid, Jeff.  First of all, it’s happened on Survivor before – and with the same insipid and myopic post-challenge commentary – and, more importantly, women kick men’s asses every day: why are we still talking about it?  Why is it a point of shame for men to lose to women?  Who gives a shit – other than you and those tools?  Bah, you suck.

J.P.” “Nine males Jeff!  There’s nine of us!”

Nine males, everyone!  And nine males always beat nine females!  In fact, they can beat ten of them!  Fifteen if they want to!  The shame, the horrible, back-breaking shame!  Just go vote, you assholes.


The Tribe Has Spoken – Blah, blah, buh-bye, Brook. Snuffity snuff firecakes blah blah.  Now, please say something deep and original like, oh, that you really didn’t want to be the first person to be voted out.  Don’t disappoint me!  Yeah, you are a loser, aren’t you?


NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR VANUATU:  In the men’s tribe, lines are drawn; in the women’s tribe, things are bleak and wet; Rory (yes, a man) gets mad.