Meet Spencer Carlin via her introductory voiceover: “This is where I live now, Los Angeles. A week ago, my two brothers and I were in small town Ohio, where I knew the rules. Now we’re in this huge city where everything moves faster, harder. And there are no rules. I feel like something is different with me. But that’s good, right?”

Spencer is the heroine in South of Nowhere. And even though I am all grown up, I’m going to tune into The Noggin network for teens every week to watch Spencer come to terms with her sexuality. I can’t help it. I didn’t have shows like this when I was a kid. (I relied upon Charlie’s Angels and Laverne and Shirley to help me figure things out!) Watching South of Nowhere is a double-dip: it’s a form of (couch potato) activism, and it offers me a weekly pass for regression! 

But back to Spencer. Blonde, earnest Spencer. Watching her sashay through her new high school in her non-slutty teen attire while the L.A. girls hooch about with their cel phones and fetish footwear brings to mind that Tom Petty song that goes,  “She’s a good girl…”

And Spencer IS a good girl. She is probably too young to be crazy ‘bout Elvis, so I’ll bet she has John Mayer (or Fiona Apple) posters in her bedroom. At her new high school, Spencer is trying to find her science lab when she literally runs into Ashley. 

Ashley is an edgy and rebellious teen, evidenced by the fact that she is drinking a big cup of coffee and wearing a lot of smudgy black eyeliner. She snaps at our little Spencer for being lost and for spilling Ashley’s big, edgy beverage when they accidentally collided. Ashley stomps away in a huff, all decked out in club attire, while Spencer is left baffled by this cute but angry girl’s behavior.

I think Ashley is angry because she has to go to this high school full of bitchy girls. Of course, I’m mostly talking about the cheerleaders. They are hot and hateful, and they rule the school. Queen demon is Madison. She catches her doe-eyed boyfriend Adrien checking out Spencer and quickly redirects his attention.

Madison is like a really mean Paula Abdul. She looks like Paula, she’s a cheerleader and she likes the smarmy, loser-y guys (remember Justin Guarini and Corey Clark?). Adrien is supposed to be the campus jock-stud, but with all that mooning about and an overly pretty hairdo, he looks like more like a gay porn star. I know this show is supposed to be about queer girls, but I think Adrien could swing. Spencer tells Madison that her brother Glen is a jock-stud too, and Madison’s claws quickly emerge. He’d better not get in the way of Adrien’s “eight-figure deal.” Meow! This girl is in high school?

Meanwhile, across campus, Spencer’s brother Clay is getting the shaft. Clay is adopted and black, and his experience at the new school is a lot more contentious. He can’t get into any classes and other guys are bumping into him on purpose. Unfortunately Clay is a bit of a bookish dork, and he gets hysterical when things don’t go his way, which is often now that he lives in Los Angeles.

Glen, on the other hand, is completely full of himself. He’s all “yo” and “chill”—like a country boy trying to talk city. Cross Justin Timberlake (curly blonde locks) with Kevin Federline (weird basketball clothes and irritating fake rap attitude) and you’ve got Spencer’s inexplicably popular brother.

Spencer is such a nice girl that she hangs out after cheer practice to watch Glen’s basketball practice. That’s when she sees Ashley again, who asks, “So are you a basketball fan or do you just like watching guys pat each other on the ass?”  Spencer is prepared for her sass, and fires back, “Question - are you on meds?” Ashley says she’s not but “they think I am. Gives them a reason to justify my behavior.”