THIS WEEK'S EPITAPHS:

• Our fair Brenda: for her, the bell tolls.
• George goes underground ahead of schedule. Hallelujah!
• We remember Claire's generosity of spirit, and long for its return.

Edward Gordon Gorodetsky (1956-2004); Coco Grimes Gorodetsky (1962-2004); Michael Timothy Gorodetsky (1992-2004); Amanda Lynn Gorodetsky (1995-2004) — I recently saw an ad for a bumper sticker that said "minivans are tangible evidence of evil." And here's a good example of that: Mom, Dad, son and daughter are in their state-of-the-art minivan, making their oblivious way through the streets. The son is playing Mortal Kombat; the daughter's watching a DVD; the dad is fiddling with his onboard GPS; and the mom is talking on her cell phone. Guess what happens? Yeah, they turn right in front of a semi: splat goes the digital minivan.

Hey, I'm just as big a fan of gadgets as anybody and feel lost without my laptop, but not. in. the. car. Sheesh.

The future of the American family — Brenda and Nate are talking about kids, especially cute kids like Maya. Brenda thinks she and Nate could make a great kid, but when he doesn't respond to that idea, she talks about making dinner instead, especially the fact that it's not fun to do that for someone who hates you. Nate says that Barb (who's going to be visiting) doesn't hate Brenda, and in return he gets a look that says "Are you high?" But no, this time Nate's not high; he's just being optimistic. What? Being high would make more sense for you, Nate.

If you think that was paragraph was muddled, I agree: it's because I'm high. Or optimistic. One of those.

Brenda goes back to that ignored comment. Nate agrees that they could make a great kid, but he doesn't want to rush. But Brenda is in ticking clock mode and doesn't want to commit to a relationship without the possibility of having a kid. Um, who is this? That's not my Brenda. Did these two move to Stepford between last week and this week?

The Fisher kitchen — George is nuts. I mean, George has nuts. No, this is not another "play with your rocks" joke! George has bought many, many walnuts because they're good for you. Ruth thinks it's weird, but is being her sweet self. And she has her own agenda: she wants George to go with her to a "Loving Couples" retreat. Surprisingly enough, George agrees to do it:

George: "'Intimacy and Healing'; 'Finding the New in Your Partner'; and 'Tantric Love,' which you seem to have circled. Hoping to add some spice to our sex life?"
Ruth: "It's becoming very popular. Woody Harrelson, Jill Eikenberry, and Sting are all practitioners. I mean, not with each other, but you know —"
George: "Ruth, if this is something you'd like to do, I'd be more than happy to go."

I would be shocked by George's amenability, but I'm too distracted by the idea of Woody and Sting getting Tantric together.

George also wants to know where the extra water is, for earthquakes and other disasters. Ruth tries to brush it off, but George is nuts. This time I'm not talking about the walnuts.

Art school — Billy thinks Claire's new stuff is amazing. She's following up on the idea that she and Russell had while they were high — you know, tearing up photos of Claire's face and putting the parts of the photos on the corresponding real-life body parts. It's cool. What's cooler is that creepy girl in the back of the class, who keeps interrupting Anita because Anita can't express herself as she tries to compare Claire to David Hockney.

Russell's been sitting there fuming while Claire gathers up all the compliments. He finally says something about how he and Claire came up with the idea together. I think it's pretty clear by now that I am very pro-Claire and rather anti-Russell, so what I'm about to say may seem shocking, but I can't help it: Russell's right. I mean, it's true that Claire actually did something with the idea, which is why I still say she's the artist, but Russell deserves a little credit for contributing to the original concept.

Wait, what the hell am I talking about? Never mind: Claire good, Russell bad. And Billy creepy. The end. Oh — and David Hockney is gay. Is that significant?

The bereavery — Oh, apparently that family of four (the Gorodetskys) left behind a fifth: he's about 17 or so. Wow, and he has no other family except a grandmother who's in a care facility and an aunt and uncle he doesn't really know. Yow. That's what Nate is thinking too.

A law firm — David and Keith are meeting with the guy David attacked in the last episode, at the sushi bar. The guy's name is Mr. Pasquese, and his lawyer is helping him seek $500,000 in damages from David. That's right, David: you're a tortfeasor!

Mr. Pasquese is not happy he's lost his earring.

David: "It was just a little hoop! Who wears earrings now anyway??"

After Mr. Pasquese and his rather cold-hearted lawyer leave, David's lawyer asks whether the biting-the-ear thing is true. What kind of lawyer are you? This is the first time you've asked your client what he has and hasn't done? David, you're so gonna lose.

A restaurant — Brenda and her mom are having lunch and talking about Joe and Nate. Mrs. Chenowith — I love the way she laughs! — orders a porterhouse steak because she's feeling anemic. Then she excuses herself. Ooh, foreshadowing!

Fisher & Diaz — The doorbell rings; it's a guy sharing the good news about Jesus. George matches the guy's evangelical extremes with environmental ones, and it's actually enjoyable. Solitary nuts are annoying, but two nuts pushing their craziness on each other is funny.

The restaurant — A woman gives Brenda a message: her mom needs her in the bathroom. Brenda finds Mrs. Chenowith in a stall, buckled over, bleeding. Eeek.

Claire's place — Claire is making another photo/mask/sculpture thingie and smoking pot. Ah, the life of an artist! Or would that be the life of a slacker? The subgenius must have slack!

Ruth shows up with some laundry. She smells the pot and realizes that she used to smell it on Nathaniel and thought it was some sort of embalming fluid. Rather than freaking out about the fact that Claire has it at all, she encourages Claire to "use it like a spice."

And then they have a little girl talk about George; Claire is impressed by the Tantric thing. Then she sorta makes a face as Ruth leaves. Hey, Claire, you should appreciate her: to quote Margaret Cho, you have such a cool mommy!

Vanessa's house — Rico is boring and no longer welcome. News flash.

David and Keith's place — David is having another meltdown, this time about the possibility of having to pay the one-eared guy so much money. Keith helps him breathe, and then notes that it's kind of good that he and David aren't married, because Mr. Pasquese has no legal way to take anything of Keith's. Huh: good argument, Keith. I'll have to remember that one.

Keith also suggests that they talk to the guy away from the lawyers. Well, go ahead: your lawyer sucks anyway.

The Fisher TV — Ruth and George are watching a promo video for the Loving Couples thingie. David interrupts and asks Ruth to come downstairs, where she finds a lot — really a LOT — of water. Ruth says, "This is a good deal more than I anticipated," and she could be talking about the water, the walnuts, or George in general — probably all three at once. David says the water can't stay in the basement, so Ruth suggests the bomb shelter. George's face lights up the way Sting's does when somebody says "Tantric love." And now I've made myself sick again.

The hospital — Brenda's mom is no longer a woman, at least not in her estimation — now that she is uterus-free. I guess I can see where she's coming from, but I would rather find out for myself because I'm tired of being ThermaCare's best customer. I should stockpile ThermaCare patches the way George stockpiles... well, everything.

Creepy Billy shows up. Brenda is civil to him. She and Billy try to say nice things to cheer their mom up, but Olivier has the magic words:

Olivier: "I look at you in your hospital bed, worn out from surgery, and I selfishly wonder, 'how long must I wait before I can fuck you?'"
Mrs. Chenowith: "Wow. Finally somebody said something right."
Brenda: "It would have been weird if I'd have said it."
Billy: "Not in this family."

I'm laughing so hard, I think I'm now uterus-free!

Where all the flowers have gone — Claire, Jimmy, Anita, and Russell ponder the beauty of flowers and know they will never create anything that amazing. That's because you're always goofing around instead of going to school and cultivating your craft. Russell pisses Claire off again, just being his Russelly self; she walks off, so he follows and confronts her. She says she can't believe he'd try to take credit for her work; he points out that what he's taking credit for is helping to come up with the idea. Again, I hate to say it, but he's right. It's probably the hormones talking, now that I'm uterus-free.

The hospital cafeteria — Billy and Brenda chat and eat. Billy reveals that he slept with Olivier when he was in college. Brenda and I both wish we didn't know that.

Brenda talks about having kids. What is this mommy trip? It doesn't make sense, unless it's some sort of search for stability. Brenda's had very little regard for time and biology up to now, so it just seems so... tired. One uterus-obsessed storyline per episode is plenty.

The bomb shelter — George can barely contain his excitement. Ruth says David used to hide in the bomb shelter. I think maybe he still does, or ought to, psychologically.

A restaurant — One-eared Pasquese is a filmmaker. He likes to put black men in his films. You can guess which black man he really likes, and where he wants to put him.

Keith rolls with the idea and decides it's a good way to get the lawsuit dropped. The sad thing about this is that I saw it coming from a mile away: for a show that's generally so ground-breaking, there sure are a lot of gay male stereotypes flying around. And, um, a lot of gay males.

Claire's place — Jimmy wants to know whether Russell really had something to do with the collage-mask idea. Claire gets all petulant and defensive. Jimmy doesn't notice because "everything's derivative of everything." Mostly he just can't wait to tell Claire that he talked to a gallery guy who's interested in Claire's work. Gallery space in exchange for sex? Well, there are worse arrangements.

Vanessa's house — Rico shows up, dismisses the babysitter, sits down, and watches TV. Oh, and pisses me off. Again. Just being his Rico-y self.

Nate and Brenda's house — Barb and her husband are there, talking about chickens and Lisa. It makes sense in their minds, I'm sure. Then they bring up the "why were those ashes so chunky?" topic. Rather than play it cool, Nate spills the truth and tells them about Lisa's burial.

Guess what? Barb freaks out.

Brenda's been in the kitchen during this little exchange; she comes back to get the general idea and looks like she'd rather be a sex addict again than listen to Nate try to defend his own sanity.

Barb and her husband storm out. Bye!

One-Eared Pasquese's house — Keith does the deed. Mr. Pasquese offers to give Keith a break from post-traumatic David whenever he needs it. Keith firmly declines. Bite his other ear, Keith!

Vanessa's house — Vanessa, who has found out what's up from the babysitter, calls Rico and tells him he has no right to be there and that she's not coming home. Okay, but maybe you could send somebody else over to kick Rico around a little?

Trouble in paradise — Brenda feels shut out of Nate's life because he didn't tell her about Lisa's final resting place. I know I'm breaking all the rules in this recap: but I can't side with Brenda on this one. The thing between Nate and Lisa was personal.

Vanessa's house — Blah, blah, Rico, blah, kids, whine, blah.

Nate and Brenda's — Barb and her husband are back, threatening to take Maya away. Nate starts screaming and Maya starts crying. It's all rather dramatic until Nate compares himself to Job: that actually makes me laugh. You're sleeping with Brenda, you idiot: you have nothing, NOTHING, to complain about!

The gallery — The guy wants to show all of Claire's work. Yay!

The funeral — The remaining Gorodetsky is talking about pain. Nate imagines that the kid is really talking directly to him, telling him that Lisa was just the beginning and everything's going to go wrong. Not if you don't have an onboard GPS and two kids and a minivan.

The bomb shelter — George is talking about generators while Ruth talks about sex. Whose going to win? Who cares?

Bedtime for Bonkers — Nate tells Brenda he just can't have another kid right now. Brenda rolls over and pouts. I can't decide who to feel sorry for, so I go with Maya.

Keith and David's — Keith gets home and rambles about his day while David sits at a table and stares into space. Keith finally notices and asks what's wrong; David says the police called, so he has to go identify the guy who's been haunting his dreams and thoughts and every move he makes. I don't even wanna see the guy on my TV — how is David suppose to handle this? And why do we have to wait two weeks to find out?

IN TWO WEEKS ON SIX FEET UNDER: George goes farther round the bend; Keith encourages David to fully face his attacker; Rico apologizes; Claire and Russell fight some more; Nate tries to find out what really happened to Lisa. That's right: another sunny, funny season finale!

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