THIS WEEK'S EPITAPHS:

• Claire Fisher: She used to have a brain, but then she had an orgasm.
• Our beloved Nate: so sensitive, yet so utterly clueless.
• Hey, David: maybe the dingo ate your baby.¹

Robert Duane Wething (1958-2004) — A guy is face down in a parking lot, next to the chunks of his lunch. A woman is kicking the crap out of him and screaming that his daughters will never be able to take a drink or have cocktail hour, because he's an alcoholic. Some people nearby finally say "Suzanne!" to get her to stop kicking the guy, who is clearly dead (but it's not so clear to Suzanne). Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life" soars in the background. Is this a Tarantino film?

Brenda's house — Nate whines about having to go to Idaho for the dedication of Lisa's ashes. Brenda says lots of Zen-like things in reply, because she's a goddess and Nate is a git.

Bettina's house — Bettina has colitis. Well, actually, she's playing Scrabble and she's about to play colitis, which is seven letters on a triple word space, so it rocks. Her daughter (who is also playing, along with Ruth) calls Bettina a "seven-letter whore." Wow, I wish I could talk to my mom like that!

Ruth gets all weepy 'cause she doesn't wanna go home. Hmm, Bettina or George? It's not a difficult decision.

Jimmy's place — Russell and Anita have a keg. They also have the most annoying ways of speaking and smiling and... well, just being. Jimmy and Claire were in bed, but not sleeping. So Anita says "so, Jimmy's the refrigerator magnet of the week." Okay, that's funny.

Claire teases Anita about being in a "happy suburban love couple" with Russell, and then proceeds to look for pot in Anita's purse. That sounds like innuendo, but it's not. Anita calls Claire "Stonehenge." That sounds clever, but it's not.

A bereavery — Robert Duane Wething's wife doesn't want it to seem like she didn't care about him, so she wants lots of flowers. And she doesn't want to speak at the funeral, because a lot of people saw her kicking the shit out of her dead husband. She says all of this in the presence of her daughter, who's probably about 11. Nate and Rico feel nervous about this, as do we the hapless viewers, but Mrs. Wething just says "Daddy was a drunk." Wow.

A swanky store — Keith and David are buying a Waterford vase for some friends who are getting married.

David: "Maybe we should get married."
Keith: "So we can have people going on vase-buying errands for us?"
David: "No. So we can say all those 'forevers' and 'no matter whats.'"
Keith: "You're in my will; I'm in yours. We basically are married, even if the law refuses to recognize it. Then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush administration, so I guess it all evens out."
David: "I still think some sort of ceremony in front of all our family and friends would make it more real."
Keith: "I just don't think now's the time to go into big event planning mode."
David: "Why?"
Keith: "I dunno, all the shit you've been through lately? I just don't think it's the perfect time."

David says something about life being short, blah blah, but Keith's right. And he's also right about $225 being too much for a vase, or else he and I are both cheapskates who have no taste.

Fisher & Diaz — George is getting an "action canceled" message in his browser. Don't you wonder what the crew typed in to make sure that message would show up, and perhaps to play a joke on George in the process? Probably something like www.goplaywithyourrocks.com. I need a high definition TV so I can be in on these things.

While he's frowning at the computer, Ruth walks in. George gets all weepy. Go play with your rocks, George.

Vanessa's house — Vanessa is using those tooth-whitening strips. The phone rings; it's Rico, complaining that he never gets to see the kids. Rico, just look in the mirror: there's plenty of childish behavior there.

At least Vanessa is having a little trouble speaking clearly while she bleaches her teeth: I hate those commercials that suggest that you can carry on with your normal life while you have plastic on your teeth. I mean, sure, ith you thound like thith in your normal life.

Fisher & Diaz — Weepy George is explaining why he wants to stay with Ruth.

George: "And I was... hauling this box of meteorites out to the car and I thought, 'Jesus, God, look at yourself, moving these goddamn rocks again. How many times are you going to keep doing this?'"
Ruth: "We're supposed to stay together because you don't want to move your rocks?"

Stop with the icky rock innuendo already!

But no, George really means that he loves Ruth, and she says yeah, fine, but love is less important than you behaving like a human being rather than like a rock, moving or otherwise. And letting the family flow in. And making Ruth feel like your favorite person, rather than just saying she is. Also, could you please stop weeping like a pathetic fool? And talking and walking and thinking like one? Good, it's settled.

Brenda's house — Nate decides Idaho will be fine if Brenda goes along. Oh, good move, Nate: bring your new/old girlfriend along while you visit your dead wife's family. That's beyond the pale even for you, and you're pretty damn pale.

Brenda resists the idea at first, but because she's as in love with the idea of a happy little Brenda-Nate-Maya family as I am, she gives in.

Jimmy's place — Jimmy is having another party. Claire is high and dancing kind of... well, rather brazenly, I guess. She sees Edie leaning against a wall and tries to get her to dance.

Edie: "This should be illegal."
Claire: "What?"
Edie: "This should be illegal!"
Claire: "I know, what should be illegal?"
Edie: "People trying to get other people to dance. It doesn't work."

[Claire keeps trying]

Claire: "You're right."

[Claire goes in for a kiss]

Edie: "What the fuck, Claire?"
Claire: "What?"
Edie: "What are you doing?"
Claire: "I just... you just look so fucking beautiful tonight."
Edie: "Oh, do I? Wow, that must make it so hard for everybody. High much?"
Claire: "Why are you being such a fucking bitch?"
Edie: "The world's not your own private fucking chemistry set, Claire. Just stay away from me. Leave me the fuck alone."
Claire: "Okay!"

So Claire goes back to dancing with Jimmy, but mostly with the hopes of making Edie jealous. She turns to see Edie walking out the door.

So much for a happy ending.

Nate and Lisa's hotel room — Lisa's family wants Nate to go to a barbecue thing. Nate is paranoid about answering the phone while Brenda's there, so Brenda's OCD-with-bridge-phobia client, Byron, leaves a message. See? Perfect little family.

A gay wedding — Keith and David's friends get married. David is sniffly. Keith snoozes.

Claire's place — Claire walks in the door and lights up her hash pipe. Jimmy, who is lying on the floor, scares the living crap out of Claire by saying "hey," or perhaps by having his shirt open. He explains that he fell into a K-hole the night before. Are these people trying to re-enact High Art? You could at least get Ally Sheedy to co-star if you're going to do that, and make sure she ends up in a room with Brenda at some point.

The Kimmel family barbecue — Lisa's mom is a wreck. She says that it's hard: "you think you finally get to the bottom of the feelings, and then there are more." Nate just says "yeah." I hear ya, Nate: what are you supposed to say to that?

The Black Forest hotel — Brenda calls Byron the client. He says he's on a bridge, looking at all the cars, and starts to holler at Brenda for cancelling his appointment, so Brenda tries to talk him down while maintaining her professional distance. Is it wrong that I find Brenda the therapist even sexier than Brenda the sex addict? I don't care: if loving her is wrong, I don't wanna be right — because then I wouldn't need a therapist. I can pretend mine looks like Brenda if I squint really hard.

The camera backs up to reveal that Byron is not on a bridge; he's on his couch, sitting next to his air conditioner to simulate traffic noises. He finally confesses this to Brenda, who is understandably angry. She loses her cool a bit and tells him that if he ever does something that dishonest again, she'll have to stop seeing him. Aww, you were doing so well for a while there, and now you're blackmailing your poor bridge-phobic client! It's okay: Angry Distraught Therapist Brenda is the sexiest of all!

The barbecue — That freaky kid who looks like Jena Malone asks Nate whether he ever gave David that book Stiff, which is about cadavers. He's confused at first, probably because when she says "Did you ever give David Stiff?" it sorta sounds like "Did you ever get David stiff?" — and that's not a happy concept.

Nate admits he didn't give the book to David, but he will, and the cool creepy kid says he could read it too. I like her: have I mentioned that I think she should go live with David and Keith?

Lisa's sister Barb tells Nate to go back to the hotel so the Kimmel family can hang out with Maya for a while.

Vanessa's house — While Rico is playing with the kids, Vanessa answers the door to her very hunky friend Kenny. Rico is jealous, of course, and he also thinks Vanessa looks foxy with her white teeth and straight hair. You idiot: she's always been gorgeous, and you've always been stupid.

The gay wedding — David talks to a woman who has adopted a baby from Guatemala. He asks her which agency she used, and she says it was kind of a religious agency that doesn't work with gay couples. David looks offended, which is ridiculous: why would he assume that any adoption agency anywhere is gay-friendly? So, okay, with this and the "let's get married" bit, it's becoming clear that David's panic attacks have morphed into some kind of lack-of-reality episodes. Sigh.

The Black Forest hotel — Nate wants to hear about the phone session with Byron, but of course Brenda is committed to the doctor/patient confidentiality thing. Nate teases her about having a mystery man on the side, which bugs Brenda, so he says he wouldn't have moved in if he were worried about her extracurricular activities. They talk a little about this being the first time they've ever really been together without running away or being stoned "or something." Okay, maybe you're not running or toking, but you two will always be "or something." And it's all good!

Claire's place — Claire and Russell are getting stoned and looking at photos.

Claire: "I'm so much happier when I'm high."

Yeah? Well, so are most people. That's why they call it "high" instead of "low." Never mind that: why the hell are you hanging out with Russell again?

Claire doesn't like the way her nose looks in a particular photo, so she tears the nose out of the photo. Russell tears up a different photo and says he "has Claire's eyes." Then he puts the photographic eyes on Claire's real face and takes pictures. It scares me.

Dinner at the Fishers — Kyle and Becky are there. Who? Kyle is George's weird son, and Becky is Ruth's friend from the fabric shop. Apparently they're seeing each other. Kyle and George start rambling about the apocalypse. George is not nice to Ruth, even though he said he'd try to be, and he and Kyle wander off to read something on the Internet about the Pentagon.

Becky: "Kyle loves online."
Ruth: "George too."

Such scintillating dinner conversation!

David and Keith's place — David can't believe that adoption agencies are homophobic. Keith tells it like it is: "People are stupid. What a shock."

David opens the cupboard to look for Rice-a-Roni and hallucinates a Chinese baby in the cupboard. Get a grip, David! I don't care what you want to grip: anything's more solid than your grasp on reality.

Fisher & Diaz — George is still going on about the coming apocalypse. Ruth encourages him to be happy, but he says he can't think about happiness unless he's trying to save the planet or preparing for the end of it. Ruth says he's obsessing and tells him to come to bed. Surprisingly enough, he does.

The dedication ceremony — The preacher says Lisa is still around and is not in the urn. Yeah, we know!

A bereavery — Mrs. Wething is yelling at her kids to stop crying. David interrupts and says the kids have lost their father; but Mrs. W. says it's none of his business. David's face says "and you're the one who gets to be the parent?"

Idaho — The Kimmels want Nate and Maya to stick around a while longer, but Nate says he has to pack and that Maya needs a nap. You can't blame the guy, really: I'm sure Brenda is addictive and it's hard to be away from her for more than, oh, two seconds or so.

Vanessa's house — I'm bored with this again, except for when Vanessa asks Rico, "Shouldn't you be at work? Isn't anybody dead?"

Idaho — Barb runs into Nate, Maya, and Brenda at a cafe. Wow, that's an incredibly painful kind of awkward. It's even harder to sit through than one of George's speeches.

Brenda handles it fairly well, and is gracious to Barb. After Barb leaves, Brenda sums it all up:

Brenda: "Small town."
Nate: "Yeah."

Art school — Claire and Billy are pretending to develop prints, but they're really more interested in flirting. I'd rather pour fixer in my eyes than watch this.

A sushi bar — David hears a guy being rude and decides to comment on it. Before you know it, they're pounding each other. Keith is in the bathroom when it starts, but soon comes to the rescue — but not before David bites the guy on the ear and tears his earring out.

Woah, David. Get thee to therapy!

Idaho — The funeral director who was at Lisa's ceremony noticed something strange: lots of bone fragments in the ashes, which is unusual nowadays. So he tells Lisa's parents that he doesn't think the ashes are hers.

What possible purpose could that serve? These people are already half out of their minds with grief; why bring this up? Don't talk to me about laws and ethics: I don't care. The greater good, and the best interests of my favorite odd little neurotic family, demand that you shut the hell up.

The plane — Maya holds Nate's hand, and Brenda's, as the plane takes off.

NEXT WEEK ON SIX FEET UNDER: Brenda and Nate talk about having a great kid; Claire gets a big break; Rico wants to be a dad again; Lisa's family confronts Nate about the ashes.

¹Click here for a partial explanation of "maybe the dingo ate your baby."

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