THIS WEEK'S EPITAPHS:

• Claire is woman — hear her roar!
• Here lies Keith and David's open relationship: buried before it went stale.
• Beloved Ruth: she rued the truth.

The opening credits — No matter who you are, where you are, or what show you're watching, you know it's gonna be quite a night if you see Kathy Bates, Lili Taylor, and Jeremy Sisto in the credits. Not necessarily a good night, but one not easily forgotten.

Lawrence Tuttle (1969-2004) — A guy is talking on the phone. He's surrounded by TVs, videotapes, and comic books. We're talking thousands of comic books. Tens of thousands. The guy is saying he needs money. The guy on the other end of the phone suggests that it's time to sell some comic books, or perhaps just one of them: the premier issue of Blue Twister, 1941, worth at least $3000. But of course if you owned such a thing, you'd rather starve than sell it. Our hero demonstrates this by climbing and tugging on a bookshelf so he can grab this ultra-rare issue and gaze at it with affection. But this is Six Feet Under, so of course the shelf comes crashing down on top of the guy as he declares his wish to be buried with it.

This makes no sense: that issue would not be on the top of a shelf, lying around improperly preserved — it would at least be boarded and in a box, and would more likely be in a high impact rigid PVC toploader. I mean, really.

The Fisher kitchen table — George and Rico refuse to play the "games" that their soon-to-be ex-wives are playing.

Nate: "You guys are more pathetic than I am."

And that's saying something!

David and Keith's place — David and Keith are eating breakfast on the couch. Hey, I do that — does that mean it's a gay thing? Anyway, David is glad he and Keith aren't doing the open relationship thing anymore. Keith decides this is a good time to tell David about the fling with Celeste.

David: "Celeste is a woman, isn't she?"
Keith: "She is. But I've slept with women before, you know that."
David: "You're serious? You slept with Celeste?"
Keith: "It was just once. It was an accident."
David: "You were walking by and you just happened to fall into her vagina?"

If only we could all be so witty in our despair as David manages to be! All David can really say is "okay — wow, but okay." Keith, if you were going to sleep with a woman, why Celeste? That's what's really "wow" about it.

Edie's apartment — Claire knocks, but Anita answers, not Edie. That cool song "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers is playing in the background.

Claire: "Can I come in?"
Anita: "She doesn't want to talk to you."
Claire: "Why the fuck not?"
Anita: "She's just kinda over you for the moment, that's all."
Claire: "Oh, I see. Why?"
Anita: "Because you were a lesbian for about two whole minutes. And then suddenly, you weren't. On top of that, she said you got all, like, grossed out by her pussy. That's totally not cool."
Claire: "Okay, for the record, I was not grossed out by her pussy. Okay, pussy, per se, does not gross me out. I just didn't know what exactly to do with it. It wasn't personal; it just didn't do it for me, you know?"
Anita: "I'll pass that along."

Pussy per se! That's fun to say: try it. It would also be a good band name.

Anyway, Claire never said she was a lesbian, so shut up, Anita.

A bereavery — Larry Tuttle's friends are there to express his wishes regarding that prize comic book. This is supposed to be funny, I guess, because David and Nate are acting all awkward while they talk to these comic book geeks. Yeah, but it's just not very funny, because (a) geeks are not usually actually that geeky and (b) comic books are cool.

Bettina's house — Ruth asks Maya if she wants to help Grandma fold laundry. Maya says "no." I love that kid! Meanwhile, Bettina is tired of being the one who comes up with all the ideas in the marriage.

Ruth: "This isn't a marriage."
Bettina: "It's starting to feel like one."

Well, why don't you just go ahead and make the leap, then? You've got all that chemistry to work with: it'll be easy.

Ruth decides they should go on a road trip instead. This had better not end like Thelma and Louise.

Brenda's house — Nate comes over for a little carefree fucking. Brenda makes the mistake of telling him that she loves him, because she does and because everybody in the universe knows these two are meant for each other, and of course Nate freaks out because he's still a 12-year-old at heart even though he was laughing at the immature comic book geeks.

Brenda tells Nate that he's using Maya as an excuse for... well, for whatever his latest drama is. I love it when the camera gets really close to Brenda: it's like my TV suddenly becomes a gallery and all the paintings in it are sexy.

But I don't like it when Brenda cries, which is what she's doing. Maybe Vanessa and her sister should beat Nate up with the baseball bat.

The basement at Fisher & Diaz — Speaking of Vanessa, Rico is apparently surprised that she doesn't want to talk to him. I have to go back to not recapping this.

David and Keith's bed — David dreams that Keith has unbuttoned his (David's) pajama top to reveal breasts. I giggle in the way you giggle when something's weird and kinda dumb.

Hitting the road — Ruth and Bettina head for Rosarita Beach. They are trying to be excited, but it's just not exciting to go a mere 20 minutes south of the border.

Brenda's therapist training — Brenda talks to a guy who has a phobia of bridges. Brenda's professor, who is watching from behind one-way glass, thinks they should probably just up the guy's meds. Brenda wants to know what the point of therapy is, if they're just going to push pills. Don't let the pharmaceutical companies hear you! They'll break your kneecaps — or they'll probably put something in your tap water that will make your kneecaps dissolve.

The guy with the bridge phobia says that if you Google "bridge collapses," you get about a thousand hits. Actually, you get lots more than that, and now I'm going to be afraid of bridges.

Art school — Oh no! The art professor (my future girlfriend Brooke Smith) has been in a car accident and has internal injuries. Russell makes some stupid joke about how terrible it would be if her labia were injured, and Claire reminds him that those aren't internal, but I'm not sure Russell really knows that.

Speaking of stupid jokes, the substitute teacher is Billy, a.k.a. Brenda's scary brother, a.k.a. almost a reason to stop watching this show.

Brenda's house — Brenda comes home to find Nate trying to deal with his survivor's guilt — but it's actually a hallucination, which we know because Nate starts screaming at Brenda. It's still enough to make me want to get that baseball bat.

The Fisher residence — George is missing Ruth and crying. Go on, cry, George: I don't care, and neither does Maya, who's looking at you like you're an alien, or perhaps a talking pig.

Rosarita Beach — Ruth and Bettina discover that their hacienda is a dump. Bettina doesn't care: she says she knows how to make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Ewww.

Art school — Billy chats up Claire. Claire is still thinking about Edie: she wonders whether there's some sort of cocktail that can make you compatible with someone else. Billy seems to think she's talking about him, because he thinks everyone is always talking about him.

The Fisher kitchen table — George has grilled up some giant portabellos. Rico is making faces, as if he's not a kind of fungus himself.

Reefer madness — Brenda's at her dealer's house. She almost has sex with the dealer guy and his random stoner buddy, but she thinks better of it and runs out the door. Does this mean you and I can't get high together, Brenda? 'Cause I think that could be fun, and I won't bring any random buddies along.

David and Keith's place — David arrives home to find Keith sitting in front of an empty pizza box and a basketball game. David gets kinda pissy about it.

The Fisher kitchen — George asks whether anyone wants to play 300 bridge. Maya says "no" just like she told Ruth that she didn't want to help fold laundry. This kid should write the recaps!

There's a crash from the business-y part of the house. Nate, Rico, and George run out to find the comic book geeks, who of course are trying to steal that ultra-rare book. Okay, who's geekier: the comic book guys, or the three bozos who get a thrill out of catching them and scolding them?

The hacienda — Ruth and Bettina are trying to take a dip in the jacuzzi, but it's lukewarm, and even drinking tequila straight from the bottle isn't helping. Ruth has had enough disappointment for one day, so she gets out and goes to complain to the manager. It's a beautiful sight: she threatens to call the credit card company to have them refuse payment, and she's just generally pushy and dissatisfied — very un-Ruthlike. She even says "damn"! Shocking!

So the jacuzzi heats up, and the tequila keeps flowing, and I half expect Kathy Bates to strip.

Claire's place — Claire has made some sort of weird dollhouse that seems to be a replica of Fisher & Diaz — but cooler, because it contains things like a refrigerator made out of a coffin. Nate stops by to chat about his crappy, sad childhood (as usual). Claire looks at him like she understands, and like he needs to grow up a little.

Group therapy for sex addicts — One of the addicts complains that somebody reeks of marijuana. Brenda asks them to let her stay, because she really needs to be there. Why can't anybody be nice to Brenda?

Nate's dream — Okay, whoever wrote the hallucinations/dreams for this episode simply did not try hard enough. We had the David-has-tits thing, and the Nate-screams-at-Brenda thing, and now Nate's seeing his dead dog and his dead dad and his dead wife, and his dad as a comic book superhero who reaps everyone Nate cares about. And then Nate eventually sees himself as the main course à la The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover, and none of it is quite cool enough for this show. Also, that movie is gross.

The funeral — David thinks all the comic book geeks are alienated, but Nate thinks they're a community, and even gets kind of verklempt about it. He kind of laughs maniacally, and half-cries, and it seems like some sort of epiphany. But this is Nate: there are not enough epiphanies in the universe to save a guy like Nate.

The laundry room at Fisher & Diaz — George gives Rico some heartfelt advice, from one asshole to another.

The park — Russell, Jimmy, and Claire feed the pigeons and wonder what to do. Edie and Anita were supposed to join them, but they're not there, and Claire thinks it's because of her. Probably.

Russell wanders off. Jimmy tells Claire that he heard something: that she hasn't had an orgasm. Edie "did a piece on it" at the cool coffeehouse or whatever it was. Wait: now I have to stop liking Edie, and I really don't want to. And I also have to like Jimmy, at least a little, because he offers to try a new technique on Claire to see if he can help her reach the big O. Claire says "okay" like he's just asked her whether she wants to go get a beer, but then she gets a cute look on her face like she's thinking, "whee!"

David and Keith's place — David continues to pick at Keith about the Celeste thing, and confesses that he fucked Sarge while Keith was away. They say "fuck" a lot — more times than one would think possible in 10 seconds, and it ends up being a rather adorable scene.

Keith: "Look: I fucked Celeste; you fucked veiny guy from La Habra. Tit for tat — we're even."
David: "Okay, you don't get to say the word 'tit' to me. Ever."

And we have liftoff — Claire looks really, really, really happy. Apparently Jimmy really knows how to crack corn — um, I mean "grind" the corn, which is what his new technique is called. I'm never going to be able to eat corn on the cob again, am I? Actually, tortillas will be even weirder.

Brenda's house — Brenda is trying to do yoga. Nate and Maya show up, and there are smiles and hugs all around, and the light is that warm glowy light, and they still look like the perfect family to me.

Rosarita Beach — Ruth and Bettina were horseback riding, but now one of the horses is sick or something, and has to be shot. Great vacation.

And hmm, what an abrupt ending that was: the rapid shifting of scenes, from an orgasmic young woman to an odd little family reunion to a man shooting a horse. I think we all know what that means: sometimes the opening credits lie.

NEXT WEEK ON SIX FEET UNDER: Nate wants to move on with Brenda and Maya; Ruth doesn't want to go home; Rico tries to walk out after being kicked out; David and Keith are unfit fathers; Edie and Claire study chemistry.

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