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The really queer guy — Emmett is talking about underwear — and about "assets" and "pouches." The producer is not impressed; in fact, he's furious. "Don't ever show us your shorts again," he says. He's interested in metrosexuals and cooking and flowers, not in Emmett's sex life. Time to spread your wings, Em.

The housewarming — Brian is there, but only as long as he has to be — he still has a sex party to go to.

Those annoying guys, Monty and Eli, are there. And so is Deb, complaining about being "fucking starving." And Ben is roaming around with the digicam, like the doofus that he is.

And guess who's at the door? It's Mel again — Michelle Clunie must be amazed at the screen time she's getting this season. Anyway, Mel and J.R. are friendly and nice, and so is Michael — he says they're "still family." How long can this last? More importantly, how long can I care?

Some random conversations take place: Ted fumes; Hunter pouts; Emmett defends himself; Brian yawns.

And then something interesting happens: Lindsay sidles up to Mel... or up to the food table, where Mel is hanging out too. They chat about their own housewarming party — apparently the toilet broke ten minutes before the guests arrived.

Melanie: "A hundred dykes peeing in the backyard."
Lindsay: "The bushes in the bushes."

And they giggle, and it's genuine, and they give each other knowing and couple-y looks. Damn, am I a fool or what? So is Lindsay, probably because Mel is looking incredibly hot. I mean, two tank tops? How can mere mortals survive? Never mind that I can't figure out what the hell Mel is chewing on: some sort of bean? edamame? a pickle? a pepper? some other pickled or peppery thing?

Also, I would like to go on record: if my toilet breaks ten minutes before a party, I'm sending everyone home, or I'm at least moving the party to a bar or someone else's house. There will be no bushes in the bushes.

Michael and Ben make a little speech and pass around copies of the wedding issue of Rage. Brian is repulsed, of course.

Michael: "Well, I happen to think it's a damn good story. Just because it doesn't agree with your anti-family values is no reason to dump on it."
Brian: [sweetly sarcastic] "Okay."

So he dumps the comic book instead, and leaves.

The sex party — There's the hot new guy again, stealing Brian's latest prey. Brian suddenly looks a lot like Rage.

But not that Rage — Michael and Justin are at the comic shop, selling lots copies of the latest issue. Justin berates himself for getting caught up in his own fantasy of Rage/Brian becoming the marrying kind — "Nobody on earth knows better than I do that unless he were genetically altered by some nuclear mishap, that could never happen." Yes. Exactly. Listen to yourself, Justin.

The front step — Ben and Hunter talk about whether Hunter will ever go back to school again. Guess who thinks he will, and who thinks he won't?

The diner, restored — Deb confronts Carl about her "B.F.M." She's ready to go back to work — "It's more than a job. It's who I am." And because Carl is a great guy, he supports her. Deb is relieved: "Good, 'cause my shift started five minutes ago."

Vengeance is not Ted's — Troy realizes he's been in Ted's building before, for one of his "pity fucks." Ted starts to reveal that he was that pity fuck, but Troy is talking about rolling over and fucking and all of that good stuff. So Ted just plays along.

Bye bye — Ben and Michael are preparing dinner. Look, their shirts match their kitchen! How cute. Or something like that.

Hunter shows up and announces that he's leaving. Michael and Hunter yell; Ben keeps his usual zen calm. Hunter's not budging, so finally Ben forks over some money and wishes him well. And Michael does the same. Yes, really.

Hot or not? — Brian tries on about forty-three different black shirts, trying to decide which one is hottest, while Justin whines about not having all of the wonderful things that Ben and Michael have.

This is not a very good way to end this show. (And by that I mean both the episode and the series.)

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Justin leaves the loft; Ted enjoys his new T(r)oy; Brian confronts Hot Guy; Lindsay moves back in with dear old Mum and Dad and comes out all over again.

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