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Oh, Daph is back — Daphne doesn't know how Justin can be so casual about the syphilis thing. But Justin says his test came back negative. That's not what Daphne means; she wants Justin and Brian to settle down. "That's never gonna happen," says Justin, and I hope he's listening to himself.

Speaking of listening, they hear J.R. on the baby monitor. Yes, like so many babies in so many primetime dramas, J.R. is "burning up." Justin tries to reach Michael, but Michael's phone goes straight to voice mail. Who ya gonna call? Mel Marcus!

He shall not be moved — After the meeting, the principal tells Ben and Michael that they might want to consider sending Hunter to a different school. Hunter refuses and says they will not chase him away. Yeah. Cool kid.

The hospital — Mel is there, pacing and cuddling J.R., and Lindsay is there too, in a panic. Tell me again why these two shouldn't settle down and raise a dozen kids.

Well, wait: there's the fact that Mel is a vicious shrew. When Michael and Ben arrive, Mel launches into all kinds of accusations about them being at Babylon and leaving J.R. alone and being crappy parents in general. Lindsay tries to explain that Mel is just frantic from having to wait so long, but let's face it: Mel's not nice. It's partly why she's hot.

Meanwhile, why is the camera all zoomy like we're watching NYPD Blue?

Mel says she's going to make sure that Michael loses custody. He screams back. A nurse shows up to say that the doctor will see Mel and J.R. now, but Michael wants to go. Fearing even more screaming, Lindsay takes J.R. and says she's going and they can stay there and start World War III. Whew.

Babylon — It's time for Emmett to get in a few good lines:

Brian: "Flying solo?"
Emmett: "Not everyone's as lucky as you, to be in a ... non... relationship."
Brian: "Where's Pittsburgh's very own extreme makeover?"
Emmett: "I tried to convince him to make an appearance tonight, but disaster struck. He saw a lesbian and went back into his hole for another six weeks."

Brian says Ted's hole had better be back at work on Monday, or he's fired. Ooooo. And Brian tells Emmett about the syphilis.

Emmett: "Well, this certainly hasn't been your year. Dick-wise."

So Brian begins to tell his conquests that there's something rotten in the state of Kinneymark. He tells a guy, who tells another guy, and they tell two people... and they tell two people... and they... and it even eventually comes back to Emmett. Six degrees of Brian Kinney is more like 0.6.

The breaking point — J.R. has her prescriptions, so it's time for Michael and Mel to fight over who gets to take her home. Lindsay does the right thing and says she's out of it — they can fight all they want, but she's "withdrawing from this custodial circus right now." She just hopes they'll spend as much time thinking about J.R.'s needs as they do about their own. Rock on, blondie.

Heartbreak — Rosie, er, Loretta, has made Deb some jello hearts. Oh my. And oh yuck. Loretta suggests that they go to a nice quiet place, but Deb has to state her case. She's flattered, and honored, but it just won't work:

Deb: "There's just one little hitch... I'm not gay. Although god knows I could have spared myself a lot of grief if I was. But, uh, let's face it, honey, after hanging out here all these years, if it still hasn't rubbed off, I think we can safely assume that, um, it's not gonna."

Loretta protests, but Deb is firm and kind: she tells Loretta about Carl and wishes Loretta well and encourages her to love someone who will love her back, the way she deserves.

Let the sun shine — Emmett throws the curtains open at Ted's house. He's ready to do a makeover, and starts with Ted's hair. Ted doesn't think it will help.

Emmett: "Ted, no matter what you look like, there will always be one person who is blinded by your dazzling beauty."

Sniffle.

School still sux — Callie and Hunter chat, and Callie is nice again. So Hunter takes her hand and starts to ask her out, but then some other guy shows up, so she drops his hand and goes off with the normal guy, who's looking at Hunter askance. Fuck off, Callie.

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