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The phantom of boring-land — Ted is sitting in the dark, listening to what might be The Phantom of the Opera, but I wouldn't know because I can't stand Andrew Lloyd Webber. Well, except for Evita, sorta maybe. Don't get me started on Cats. Oh, but Jesus Christ Superstar rocks, of course! Anyway.

Emmett tells Ted it's time to get back out into the world, and that everyone who has cosmetic surgery goes through this. But whatever the surgery fixed, it didn't fix Ted's tendency to wallow in self-pity. Emmett rolls his eyes.

Splitting — Mel and Linds are going through the bills. Lindsay's not happy about the $1200 water heater bill. They fight over it, because that's all they do now. If I had written this scene, one of them would have suggested that they test the new water heater, to see just how long of a steamy shower it can support. Go through the entire toy box, girls: it's time to replace the passive-aggressive crap with the dominant-submissive play.

Anyway, because the bills are piling up, Lindsay suggests that Mel go back to work.

Melanie: "Go back to...? When you had Gus, I made sure that you were as comfortable as possible so you could stay home with him."
Lindsay: "That was a completely different set of circumstances."
Melanie: "Oh, how's that?
Lindsay: "We were still living together. And we still loved each other."

Mel just kind of stares, because that last part stunned her. I still love you both, so shut the fuck up and fuck already!

Domestic bliss — Justin is making dinner, courtesy of one of Michael's cookbooks. Brian jokes about the happy wives swapping cookbooks, and says he loves Justin's cream sauce. Justin asks what's for dessert. Brian says, "A penicillin tart."

Justin doesn't take the news very well. Brian swears he's never fucked anyone without a condom.

Justin: "I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner, considering where your dick's been."
Brian: "Excuse me, but you haven't exactly been a saint yourself. In fact, I might've even gotten it from you."

So there, twinkity twink.

More domestic bliss — Hunter isn't hungry. Ben and Michael make it worse by telling him that the principal of Hunter's school has called a meeting with the parents. Hunter says he's going too, since it's about him. Right on.

Where the girls are — Look at that: an actual lesbian bar! I thought they had all disappeared. And who should walk in but... you guessed it. Emmett and Ted. Oh, you didn't guess it?

Em thought this would be a good way for Ted to get out without caring how people react to him. Hmm. That's quite clever.

Anyway, let's go with what you really guessed: Deb and Loretta are there too. Deb's trying to let Loretta down easy.

Meanwhile, a feisty butch hits on Ted, thinking he's a lesbian. He can't believe that — but geez, Ted, you're wearing a plaid shirt and a flap hat. Come on! Actually, what am I saying? He could be wearing some sort of Portia de Rossi holographic costume thingie and I'd still know he was Ted.

Ted flees, leaving Em there in his fabulousness.

Emmett: [explaining to the butch who hit on Ted] "She just hasn't been herself since the hot flashes."

Deb tries to get Loretta to look around at the "good-lookin' gals," but Loretta only has eyes for Deb. Sigh. I think they should have asked Tyne Daly to play Loretta. Now that was some chemistry. (Though not as much, or not the same, as Tyne had with Meg Foster. Now there was a butch. Yow.)

The gym — Brian and Ben are scowling at each other. You can show off your pecs all you want, Ben: Brian's still hotter. Brian reminds Ben that he, too, once enjoyed getting gang-banged in the Liberty Baths. Heh.

It's Daph!! — Justin and Daphne are babysitting J.R. while Ben and Michael and Hunter go to the meeting at the school. Wow, Daph, you really, really need to call me in a few years. Hello.

Daphne asks Justin whether he's talked to Brian about having kids. "He won't even get a puppy," Justin smirks. Oh, and he mentions the syphilis thing.

Bye, Daph. That was short.

The parents — Callie's parents are assholes. There are many other asshole parents in attendance as well. Hunter gets the last word:

Hunter: "I'm glad I came here tonight. Because I learned something too. Now I know how your kids got to be the way they are. From you."

You're okay, Hunter.

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