Queer As Folk recap: Season Five, Episode Four
(original air date 5 June 2005)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Why didn't anyone talk Ted out of the nip and tuck?
   Maybe they were hoping it would fix the mope and whine.
2. Why is Brian still Michael's friend?
   Old habits die hard, I guess. Or maybe "hard" is the wrong word here.
3. What did Deb's/Loretta's T-shirt(s) say?
   "Life is a bowl of fairies" and "It's a fine line between lesbian and hockey mom."

Bodies bodies everywhere — Brian and Justin are in bed again, and two plus two equals four. They've brought a couple home and are doubling their fun. I think I'm supposed to be thinking "oh my god! a foursome! that's so edgy and raw and totally pushes the envelope!" but I'm really thinking "Ah, Marilyn Manson's cover of Personal Jesus — I love this song."

Afterwards, they all share a spliff and talk about Tuscany and monogamy. The visiting team asks Brian and Justin how long they've been together. Brian and Justin simultaneously say "Four weeks" and "Four years," respectively. So the other guys say they've been together almost ten years, and that one of the keys to their success is "a lot of fucking around — the couple that plays together stays together." Brian likes this idea, of course.

Brian: "It's refreshing to find a couple who are hung, but not hung up."

Three letters — Mel's got mail. She reads it with an expression of stoic acceptance and, well, something that looks quite a lot like fear. Cut to Lindsay, who's also reading a letter, but her face is showing satisfaction and anticipation. And finally let's visit Michael, who probably had to get his dictionary out in order to understand the letter, but is now showing it to Ben with a smug stupid smirk. Michael, you need a new name. I think I'll go with Spiteful.

Ben, meanwhile, is trying to put a crib together and is saying "fuck" a lot. Spiteful tells Has-Ben he'll have to clean up his potty mouth once J.R. arrives. Since when does Ben swear? This makes no fucking sense.

Spiteful whines about having to split J.R. three ways, so Has-Ben says what we're all thinking: "You know, as long as she's loved and cared for, I'm sure it'll all work out."

Home sweet diner — Deb is serving Carl breakfast, and she's barking like she's at the diner. He tells her to sit down and stop waiting on him. Oh — before I forget, Deb's apron says "I keep my best snacks under my apron."

They smooch and get all lovey dovey. Carl asks the obvious question:

Carl: "You're not bored, are you?"
Deb: "Of fucking our brains out?"
Carl: "No, of not working."

The short answer is yes, no matter what Deb says. But wait:

Carl: "So what's on our lady-of-leisure's agenda for today?"
Deb: "Oh, a matinee... a Pinter play... perhaps a piece of Mahler..."
Carl: "A piece of what?"
Deb: "Thank god hanging around Liberty Avenue made you a sex maniac and not a show-tune queen."

Here's to the Ladies Who Lunch, and here's to Deb. And aren't Carl and Deb a gem? I'll drink to them!

Kinnetik — Ted has done something with a bunch of files and figures he's so far ahead with his work, he can take some time off. Yep, it's time for the ol' nip and tuck.

Brian knew this was coming, of course, and ruminates about "an entire subculture convinced that the meaning of happiness is no love handles." Ted points out that the average person does not have Brian's gifted genes, and has to work twice as hard to look half as good. Yeah. I've said it before: in my next life, I want to be Brian Kinney.

Mel's house — Justin is oohing and ahhing over Jenny Rebecca, who, pardon me, is not the cutest baby I've ever seen.

Lindsay shows up, looking rather odd. For one thing, I'm not sure she's wearing anything under her coat. But that might just be wishful thinking on my part.

Melanie says she thought they agreed that Linds would ring the bell and not just "pop in." Mel, I thought we agreed that you would pop into bed with Linds and shut the hell up. And have I mentioned that you have really nice shoulders? Damn you. Cover them up so I can go back to thinking you're being unreasonable and bitchy.

Justin tries to be nice and be a friend to both of them, but they're too busy glaring and spitting at each other. Maybe they should just have an actual hair-pulling shrieking catfight — near the bed — and get it over with.

Justin asks how Gus is. Lindsay says he's doing great and has even started to read — and she directs that statement to Mel, who makes an "oh" face and shifts uncomfortably. Arrggh.

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